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(Xena And Gabrielle At Universal Studios Hollywood)
Xena and Gabrielle ride Argo up to the front gate...
Guard: Sorry, no horses allowed
Xena: We have an important meeting with Frank Biondi Jr.
Gab: (Pompously) The Big Guy himself
Guard: (Evil Grin) I'm sure you do, go right ahead
An animal trainer comes running over
Trainer: It's about time!
Xena: Hey, we're ten minutes early for our meeting
Xena: We're here to see Mr. Biondi
Trainer: (Disappointed) You mean you're not the new animal act?
Gab: Actually, some people might think so
Trainer: (Pointing to an office window) You want that lady over there
Xena: You say you have animals here, could you please board my horse?
Trainer: (Taking Argo) Sure
Gab: Oh Xena, I want to see the animals!
Xena: I told you we'd visit Hollywood Boulevard later
They walk into the office and scare the secretary
Secretary: (Screaming) Security!
Xena: (Flooring the guards with one kick) Excuse me, we have a meeting with Mr. Biondi
Secretary: (Checking a list in her shaking hand) Oh yes, here you are, two strange women on a horse...Lord Biondi will be in meetings all afternoon but he does want to see you - please, enjoy the park while you are waiting
Gab: (Jumping up and down) I wanna go on the tram ride!
Xena and Gabrielle take the "Back Lot Tram Tour"
Gabrielle is excited
Xena is bored silly
The "Western Town" is the next stop
An outlaw in a black hat approaches the tram
Outlaw: (Shooting off his gun) Give me your purses, your watches, (Looking at Xena) your swords...
Gab: What is he doing?
Outlaw: This here's a tram robbery little lady
Xena: (Decking the guy) No it isn't
Outlaw: (Bleeding) ARE YOU INSANE?
Gab: No, she's Greek
Outlaw: I'm an actor, I'm not real!
Xena: Tell me about it
Gab: (Upset) What did I ask you, what did I ask you this morning? Please do not punch anyone today - NO PUNCHING
Gab: (Folding her arms) Nevermind, I don't want to talk to you right now...just, I don't want to talk to you
Xena: (Folding her arms) Is that supposed to be my punishment?
Xena and Gabrielle are asked...politely...to leave the tram ride
Gabrielle storms off
Xena later finds her sulking inside a "Flintstones" prop
Xena: I see you're still not talking to me
Gab shakes her head
Xena: Here, I bought you a balloon
Gab: I don't want your dumb balloon
Xena: I had them write your name on it
Gab: (Squealing with delight) Thank you!
Meanwhile, Argo talks with a dog and a parrot at the "Animal Actors" attraction
Dog: Can you believe they have me jumping through flaming hoops for a piece of cheese?
Argo: My owner makes her friend do the same thing
Parrot: I'm tired of working for these pathetic humans, four years and they STILL haven't given me a SAG card!
Argo: (Kicking a door down) C'mon lets get outta here
A young woman dressed like Xena marches up behind Xena and Gabrielle
FakeX: Hey Sandi, it's MY turn to be Xena, like you're supposed to be the Bride of Frankenstein today!
Xena: I'm not Sandi
FakeX: Then who are you?
Xena: I'm Xena
FakeX: OK, enough with the comedy routine
Xena: No, I'm really Xena
FakeX: Look, I don't know who YOU are but I'M on the schedule to play Xena today
Gab: Who's on the schedule to play me?
FakeX: There is no "you"
Gab: WAIT A MINUTE
FakeX: Hey, I don't want any trouble from you two, I'm just trying to make enough money for a boob job - now since you already have yours, please let me have mine!
Xena: (Indignant) These are real
Gab: (Smirking) They definitely are
FakeX: (Running off crying) THAT'S IT - I'm taking the job in my uncle's deli
Gab: Speaking of delis, I'm hungry Xena
Xena: Did you see the prices? - I'm not paying 7 dinars for 2 pieces of chicken
Gab: You get fries too
Xena: Forget it!
Xena takes out her sword and goes after a bunch of pigeons Gabrielle grabs her
Gab: (Upset) What did I ask you, what did I ask you this morning? Please do not hunt today - NO HUNTING
Gab: You're always complaining that we don't fit in - do you see anyone else hunting the pigeons? DO YOU?
Xena: Fine, go waste your money on chicken but I won't eat it
Gabrielle gets the chicken while Xena wrestles a family of five for a table
by the fountain
Xena looks enviously at the chicken
Gab: Would you like a piece?
Xena: (Stubbornly) No
Xena: (Grabbing the wing) Well, if you're not going to eat it
Xena scarfs down the chicken
Gab: Good, isn't it
Xena: (Licking her fingers) Umm
Gab: Could you please use a napkin?
Xena: I don't need it
Gab: What are you, a barbarian?
Xena: Do you really expect me to answer that?
A bee lands on Gabrielle's arm
Gab: (Scared) A BEE
Xena: We've been up against Titans and you're afraid of a bee?
Gab: Would you just get rid of it?
Xena flicks it off with her pinky finger
Gab: It's such a beautiful day out
Gab: Not a cloud in the sky
Gab: You know, that's what drew me to you in the first place...deep and meaningful conversations
Gabrielle takes a coin out of her pouch
Xena: Now what are you doing?
Gab: I want to throw a coin in the fountain and make a wish
Xena: Why? - I'm already in your life, what else could you wish for?
Gabrielle chucks the coin at Xena
Xena: Your throw is improving
Gab: I don't want to talk to you, I don't even want to LOOK at you
Xena: Aw c'mon, you know you want to look at me, EVERYONE wants to look at me - I'm gorgeous
Gabrielle starts chucking more coins at Xena
Xena: (Teasing) Did you make a wish?
Gabrielle splashes the fountain water at Xena
Xena: (Splashing back) Ooooh, aren't we the Amazon!
A crowd starts to gather
An elderly couple looks on
Edna: Harold, is this a show?
Harold: (Taking out his brochure) Sorry Edna, I don't see anything listed for "Fountain Follies"
Xena: (Noticing the people) Let's get out of here, we're starting to attract a crowd
Gab: When DON'T we attract a crowd Xena?
As they leave, everyone applauds
Gab: (Bowing) Why thank you, thank you very much
A tourist runs up to Xena
Tourist: Hey leather girl you and me!
Xena: Yeah right
Tourist: (Holding up his camera) You blondie take camera and take picture me and leather girl
Gab: (Hurt) Don't you want your picture with me too?
Gabrielle starts to take her clothes off
Xena: What are you doing?
Gab: I'm all wet
Xena: Don't do that, they'll think we're strippers
Gab: When DON'T they think we're strippers Xena?
Xena: C'mon, let's go into "Backdraft" and get dried off
Argo and her new buddies watch the whole fountain escapade
Dog: (Looking at Xena) At least we don't have to work for her
Argo: Speak for yourselves
Dog: THAT'S your owner?
Argo: Yes, please send your sympathy cards to Argo, that's A-R-G-O
Parrot: She's not the Full Quid mate
Argo: Yeah, but she gives good hay
Parrot: Best of luck to you
Xena and Gabrielle see a guy dressed as Hercules
Xena: Who are you?
FakeH: I'm Hercules, son of Zeus
Xena: You're a son of a something
Gab: No, really who are you?
FakeH: I SAID I'm Hercules, now how would you pretty girls like a date with a demigod when I get off of work later?
Gab: Where's the guy who plays Iolaus?
FakeH: There is no "Iolaus"
Gab: This is incredible!
Xena: You're catching on Gabrielle
FakeH: It's not that I don't like hanging with you beauties but unless you take a picture with me, Zeus is going to get mad
Xena: (Putting her touch on him) I've just shut off the bloodflow to your groin, tell me who you really are or you don't get to score with "Betty Rubble" later
FakeH: OK OK, my name is Ed, I'm a drama major and when I'm not doing this, I'm a dancing Milk Dud at the mall
Gab: At last, the truth
FakeH: Does this mean we're not on for tonight?
Xena and Gabrielle enter the "Jurassic Park" ride
While standing in line, Gabrielle starts to climb on the railings
Xena: (Firmly) Gabrielle, get off the railings
Gab: What else do you want me to do? - Forget I asked that
Xena notices a mother walk by with her toddler on a leash and then looks at Gabrielle now swinging on the railings
Xena: (To herself) What a great idea!
A misting system above everyone in line is turned on
Gab: (Looking up) Why are they watering us? Do they think we're plants?
Xena: They don't want anyone to get overheated in line, besides, it's the first shower some have had in days
Gab: Hey, I wanted to stop by the lake this morning but you had to rush the Hades out of me to get here
Xena: (Taking out some sunblock) Put this on, you're getting all sunburnt
Gab: (Grumbling) Do I have to?
Xena starts rubbing the lotion on Gabrielle's neck and shoulders
Two guys behind them in line watch
Guy#1: (Whispering) Dude, this is better than the ride
Guy#2: Tell her that the inside of her friend's thighs are burnt too
Xena: (Taking out her chackrum) I'm getting really tired of waiting
Gab: Put that thing away right now!
Xena: It'll be easier to decapitate all of these people and go to the head of the line
Gab: (Upset) What did I ask you, what did I ask you this morning? Please do not decapitate anyone today - NO DECAPITATING
Xena lets out a bloodcurdling yell
Gab: What's wrong?
Xena: I'VE JUST STEPPED IN SOMEONE'S GUM
Gab: (Taking out a tissue) Here, lemme get it off
Xena: (Glaring at the people in line) WHICH ONE OF YOU UNCOUTH SUBHUMANS DID THIS?
Everyone in line runs for the exit
Gab: I guess we can go on the ride now
Gabrielle and Xena "survive" the ride
Gab: I don't get it we were in line for 3 hours and the ride was only 3 minutes!
Gab: That's unreal!
Xena: You're starting to get the point of this place
Gab: (Turning green) Xena...
Xena: Actually, that was worth the wait, let's go again
Gab: Xena...I think I'm gonna be sick
Xena: You only had chicken and a drink all day
Gab: Um...when I got the drink, I also got an ice-cream
Gab: And some nachos...a pretzel...popcorn and cotton candy
Xena: What, no pizza and burgers?
Gab: A girl has to show some restraint
Xena: The bathroom is around that corner
Gab: The wait is 15 minutes...I think I only have 15 seconds
Xena: (Looking around) Here, go behind this Triceratops
Gab: It's a Velociraptor
Xena: Would you just hurry up and heave?
The ride operator comes over
Operator: Excuse me, you two aren't supposed to be back here
Xena unsheathes her sword while Gabrielle disgorges
Operator: Enjoy your stay at Universal Studios
Xena and Gabrielle rest on a bench
A little girl and her family sit on the bench next to them
She tries to get Xena's attention
Girl: What's your name?
Xena ignores her
Girl: I SAID what's your name?
Girl: That's a stupid name
Xena: What's yours?
Gab: Obviously not "Grace"
Xena: How adorable
Girl: That's where Mommy and Daddy "ceeved" me
Xena: Well, it's a good thing your Mommy and Daddy didn't "ceev" you in an elevator or you'd be walking around with the name "Otis"
Girl: He's my brother
Gab: Be nice Xena
Xena: So Meadow, are you having fun?
Girl: You have stupid hair
Xena: AND YOU'RE A STUPID LITTLE GIRL
Gab: (Upset) What did I ask you, what did I ask you this morning? Please do not scare any children today - NO SCARING CHILDREN
Gab: (Throwing her hands up) You ALWAYS do this!
Gabrielle notices a cup with a huge dinosaur head on it in the gift shop
Gab: HOW CUTE
Xena: No, you are NOT getting it!
Xena: You're too old for that stuff
Gab: (Shuffling her feet) I guess...
Xena: (Rolling her eyes) Oh for Gods sake, go get it
Gab skips off and returns
Gab: (Placing the dinosaur head on Xena's shoulder) GRRRR
Xena: Get away from me, I do not know you
Gab: Well, I like it
Xena: And what exactly are you going to do with it?
Gab: I dunno - you took out a whole pack of ruffians with a string of fish, maybe I can use this as a defensive weapon
Xena: (Laughing) Yeah right
Gab: I could!
Xena: (Mocking) Look out everyone, it's Gabriellesaurus Rex
Gab: Stop it
Gab: I said stop it
Gabrielle slams Xena in the stomach with the cup
Xena drops to the ground
Gab: (Stunned) I'm getting better, aren't I?
Xena: (Her voice an octave higher) Yes, yes you are
Gabrielle and Xena notice a huge billboard with Xena and Hercules depicted on it
Xena: THAT doesn't even look like me!
Gab: Hey, at least you're ON a billboard
A frantic woman runs up to Xena
'Tendre: OHMIGODS I LOVE YOU AND YOUR SHOW
Gabrielle clears her throat
'Tendre: Oh, and I love you too Gabrielle - Please, PLEASE tell me where to get your t-shirts?
Xena: Sorry, they don't have any of me yet - try again next month
'Tendre: Coffee mugs, posters, keychains...ANYTHING?
Xena: Nope, sorry
'Tendre: But but you don't understand, my boyfriend HATES me now because I spent all day chasing around for your memorabilia instead of having fun with him - I promised five people at work that I'd bring them back a t-shirt!
Xena: I'm afraid they'll have to settle for "Jurassic Park"
Gab: The "ET" shirts are kinda cute too!
'Tendre: (Collapsing on the ground) NOOOOOOOO, I SHOULDA GONE TO VEGAS
Gab: Isn't there anything we can do for her?
Xena: No, she's a lost cause
The secretary shows up and leads Xena and Gabrielle to The Black Tower
Secretary: Lord Biondi will meet with you now
The doors open up with flashing strobe lights and thick smoke pouring out
A dark figure comes forward
Xena: On your knees Gabrielle
Gab: Here? Now?
Xena: Not that
Biondi: Xena, it is good to see you
Xena: You summoned us Lord Biondi?
Biondi: Yes, I just wanted to thank you for doing an excellent job on your show, all of MCA is very proud
Xena: Thank you sir
Gab: Hey, what about me?
Biondi: And you are...
Gab: I don't believe this!
Biondi: Welcome to Hollywood
Xena: Lord Biondi, I was wondering about an increase in our dinars...the "greater good" doesn't really compare to an American Express Platinum Card
Biondi: Our budget won't allow it now, we need every penny for "Back To The Future 7" - Please, take this "I Survived Jurassic Park" bumper sticker as a token of our appreciation
Biondi gives Xena an envelope with the bumper sticker in it and leaves
Xena: (Looking at the envelope with shock and disgust) He spelt my name with a "Z"
Gab: At least YOU got a bumper sticker
Xena: C'mon, let's get Argo and go
Gab: (Whining) Xena, I'm exhausted
Xena: Your mouth seems just fine
Gab: Will you carry me?
Xena: Oh for Athena's sake!
Xena: (Acquiescing) Get on
Xena gives her a piggyback ride to Argo
They get ready to leave
Xena: Well, this day was quite an experience
Gab: When ISN'T it an experience with you Xena?
Argo: NO WAY ARE THEY PUTTING THAT STUPID BUMPER STICKER ON MY REAR