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At the Renaissance Productions "Room Above The Pawn Shop/Office Building," Tyldus and VCU are in a 3x5 ft. cubicle, staring at a computer
Tyldus: (Scrolling through the Forum) "Arch Deluxe?"
VCU: Nah, had that yesterday
Tyldus: How about a "Kickin' Chicken Sub?"
VCU: Sounds good
The computer screen begins to flicker then a graphic of dancing cashews comes up
Tyldus: What's going on?
VCU: Oh no, it's the fans...THEY'RE LAUNCHING A COUP ON THE FORUM
All of the sudden, gunfire is heard outside the building and all power is lost
Tyldus: I don't think it's just the Forum!
An alarm is sounded and everyone gathers in the broom closet/basement
Worker: Did someone drop a nuclear bomb?
VCU: The "Xenitesrcxxxxx" are attacking
Worker: OH GOD - I'd rather be vaporized!
The "Omnipotent Renaissance God" or ORG enters looking remarkably like Bacchus
ORG: I want answers...NOW
Tyldus: (Trembling) Well Master, umm...uh...it appears the "Xenitesrcxxxxx" have broken off into factions but they're all attacking at once
ORG: And this is bad?
VCU: Master, I think they want to usurp your power
Tyldus, VCU and a few mops fall to the ground
Tyldus: We...don't have any...as of yet
VCU: (Aside) WHY, why didn't I take that internship with the L.A. County Board of Supervisors? - It would've been SO much easier!
ORG: First, tell me how you two know so much about the "Xenitesrcxxxxx"
Tyldus: (Deep breath) Actually...we...sorta...kinda..."communicate" with them
VCU: Tyldus more than me!
ORG: AND WHAT IS MY POLICY ON WHO YOU MAY SPEAK WITH?
Tyldus and VCU: (Unison) "Fans, no...Ventilators, maybe!"
ORG: You're Public Relations people, what's wrong with you? - Wait...you're Public Relations people, THAT'S what's wrong with you!
After a serious flogging, Tyldus and VCU try and figure out a plan with Omnipotent Renaissance God
Tyldus: (Looking out a window) It's no use, they have the place surrounded - "Lucy's Liver Lovers" want to meet with us in person or they'll take her gallbladder hostage
VCU: The group for "Useless Forum Posts and Private E-Mail Messages" wants an audience as well
ORG: (Pointing) What about that troupe on the hill?
Tyldus: That's just the "Parody Bards" - They only sit, watch and write
ORG: GET RID OF THEM FIRST
VCU: I've been thinking of options and I'm afraid I can only come up with one
ORG: Yes, it is the ONLY one
Tyldus: (Gasping) You mean...BUT MASTER, IT'S NOONTIME
ORG: I don't care - WAKE UP THE ACTORS
VCU: What if they don't wake up?
ORG: Use the "W" word!
Tyldus: "W" word?
Moments later, everyone shrieks in horror as Lucy, Renee, Hudson and Ted are brought in
Lucy: WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON? - IT'S BLOODY NOON
Renee: (Hugging Lucy) Oh Lu, you've learned how to tell time! - I'M SO PROUD
ORG: Your fans have gone insane
Hudson: Wait a minute, when WEREN'T they insane?
ORG: Thank you for the enlightened observation, Yangtze
Hudson: That's Hudson
Ted: Hey, I've just been through the "Jonathan Brandis" years, what could be worse than screaming horny teenagers?
VCU: Screaming horny adults
Tyldus: AND they're forming separate entities which will undermine the show
VCU: There have been reports of religious and ethnic slurs already
Lucy: (High-Fiving the others) YES...we're gonna see some plasma, we're gonna see some plasma
ORG: NO LUCY, BLOOD IS ONLY FOR ME
Lucy: OH C'MON - You took away my cock-fights, you took away my dog-fights, AT LEAST you can give me my fan-fights...they gotta be good for something besides ringing my parents at 2:00am!
Ted: Oh, were those your parents? - Sorry
Tyldus: OK, here's the plan...first, Renee will go with Lucy to the homosexual side and French kiss for 10 minutes then Renee will go with Ted to the heterosexual side and do the same while Lucy rides Tilly over to the "PeTA" brigade
VCU: Now Danube, you will go...
Hudson: HUDSON...IT'S HUDSON
VCU: Yarra, Congo, Euphrates...WHATEVER...from this moment on, you'll be called "Red Sea" - go to the religious front and read something from Exodus!
Tyldus: Renee, once you get back from the tongue fest, I want you in your "Mickey Mouse" ears playing with the Under-12 age group!
Renee: WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE "DISNEY GIRL?" - I DON'T WANNA BE "DISNEY GIRL," I WANNA BE SPIDER-MAN
Tyldus: Good idea! - That'll work for the 30 people who have written to the spider from "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"
An operatic version of Animotion's "Obsession" is heard outside the building
Ted: What is THAT?
VCU: DAMN, it's the "Lucy Sings Better Than Cecilia Bartoli" crowd, they're trying to break the windows!
Lucy: (Shouting out) You're "B-sharp" is too throaty, Darlings, try a lower octave!
A pizza is slid under the door
Hudson: FOOD, I'm starving!
Tyldus: (Grabbing the box) DON'T TOUCH IT
Tyldus opens the box
Inside the pepperoni forms a perfect "e"
Tyldus: Just as I thought, it's from "HeyHeyRenee" - People who want the proper denoting of Renee's median "e"
Renee: At least they know where to stick the accent mark
Lucy: I know where I'd like to stick it
Renee: What's up with the hostility, Lucy?
Lucy: YOU FORGOT TO READ ME A BEDTIME STORY LAST NIGHT
Renee: Hey, it was Volga's turn!
Hudson: HUDSON HUDSON HUDSON
VCU: NO, "Red Sea!"
Ted: What if I take all the pepperoni off, can I have a slice?
ORG: SILENCE...I WON'T PUT UP WITH THIS FOOLISHNESS ANY LONGER
Omnipotent Renaissance God gets up to leave
VCU: Where are you going, Master?
ORG: I shall deal with the "Xenitesrcxxxxx" myself!
Tyldus: Is that wise?
ORG: These people won't ruin what I've worked so hard for...I WILL NOT GIVE UP
Secretary: Excuse me Master, David Hasselhoff is on line 2, he wants to know if you're free for lunch
ORG: (Skipping out the door) Nice working with y'all!