STAR WARRIORS: The Return Of The Jedi Princess

A long time ago, in an era far, far away...

The evil Darth Ares and the Imperial Forces ruled Peloponnesus but a small band of rebels, led by the Warrior Princess Xena, formed and alliance and planned one final assault on Ares' compound, the "Death City-State"

Xena, her twin sister Princess Leia Diana, Gab Pathwalker, Sal3PO and ArgoD2 lead an army of rebel soldiers down a dirt road

Leia D: Are we there yet?

Xena: Not yet

Leia D: I really think we should stop, I need to brush my hair

Xena: You can't brush your hair and walk at the same time?

Leia D: No, it disrupts my concentration

Gab: Xena look! - Over that ridge

Marcus Calrissian, a shaggy blond and a pack of mercenaries come over to meet Xena

Xena: Marcus!

Gab: ChewIolaus!

Marcus: It's good to see you again Xena

ChewIolaus: AAAAAARRRRRUUUUMMPPHH

Xena: Where's Herc Solo?

ChewIolaus: (Sad tone) MMMMRRRMMM

Marcus: Callisto Fett turned him into a statue

Gab: Herc a statue, why doesn't that shock me?

Leia D: I don't understand, why didn't she just burn him like everything else?

Xena: He's a demigod, remember? - Fire only gives him a nice tan

Marcus: We heard that's she taking him to Darth Ares' compound

ChewIolaus: (Angry) RRRRRGGGGGHHHH

Xena: I'm on my way there myself

Marcus: Are you crazy Xena? - You don't have enough soldiers to defeat him

Gab: See? - THAT'S what I've been telling her all along but does she listen to me...DOES ANYONE LISTEN TO ME?

Xena: Did you say something Gab?

Gab: (Shaking her head) I give up!

Xena: You don't understand Marcus, something is drawing me to Ares

Marcus: Hey, I know he's good-looking but you shouldn't get mixed up with him

Sal3P0> Sorry to interrupt Master Xena but Argo is sensing...

Xena: Not now Sal...

Sal3PO: But...

Xena: I said NOT NOW

Leia D: What's that strange whistling noise?

Gab: Tie Fighter Arrows!

Xena: EVERYONE TAKE COVER

Xena and Marcus can't fend off the Storm Trojans and flee into the forest with the others

Leia D: (Sobbing) My new dress is ruined!

Gab: I don't get it, why aren't they chasing after us?

Xena: Good question

Sal3PO: Argo thinks they believe the forest is haunted

Gab: (Scared) Haunted?

Xena: Oh please!

Marcus: Well, whatever the reason, I think we should stay here for now

A rustling is heard in the bushes

Marcus: On second thought...

Little furry red-eyed creatures jump out and start licking Xena's feet

Gab: Hey, that's MY job!

Leia D: Aren't they cute?

Xena: Don't touch them, they might be rabid!

Sal3PO: Argo calls them "NetForumites" - When they're not eating or sleeping they gather around a glowing fire and worship you Xena

Xena: We're making camp here!

Meanwhile, at the Death City-State
The Emperor calls Darth Ares to his side

Ares: What is thy bidding my master?

Emperor: There is a great disturbance in the force!

Ares: Yes I know, I've felt her

Emperor: Lucky you

Ares: Xena and the others will try to launch an attack on the City-State

Emperor: She has your abilities Ares, her army might succeed

Ares: True, but her army can't do it without her

Emperor: What are your plans?

Ares: She will come here...she is drawn to me!

Emperor: Hey, I know you're good-looking but...

Ares: (Snapping his fingers) AND I have this!

Callisto Fett appears with the Herc Solo statue

Emperor: Ingenious!

Callisto: Lord Ares, do you have another project for me?

Ares: As a matter of fact, I have two for you my dear - Bring me back Xena's annoying companion, but first, me meet in my chambers around midnight

Callisto: Are you going to show me how to use your light sword?

Ares: Something like that

The next day...
A bunch of NetForumites are gathered around Xena, fanning her and feeding her grapes
One recites a poem

Xena: (Mouth full) Not bad, but I don't really care for the rhyme scheme

The NetForumite is immediately slaughtered by the others for it's incompetency
Gab Pathwalker returns with a string of small fish

Gab: Do I put these in the food supply or weapons bin?

Xena: You know the rule, anything under 6 inches is useless

Gab: Don't tell ChewIolaus that

Xena: Actually, maybe we should use them as food, the soldiers are getting tired of nuts and berries, we need real meat to build strength

Gab: The Storm Trojans have all the venison, this is the best we can do

Xena: (Looking at the NetForumites) Maybe not...

Later that evening

Xena: (Licking her fingers) Umm, these are pretty tasty with BBQ sauce

Gab: (Stunned) I still can't believe you're eating them

Xena: Trust me honey, they WANT me to eat them, now be a good girl and pass the slaw

Gab: Marcus says the soldiers are ready for tomorrow's attack

Xena: Good

Gab: ChewIolaus and Sal3PO went looking for Leia Diana but they couldn't find her

Xena: Callisto Fett took her about an hour ago

Gab: And you didn't stop her?

Xena: Once Ares gets a load of her whining, he'll surrender immediately

Gab: Good strategy!

Xena: It's time to gather the others

Gab: (Seriously) Campfire moment?

Xena: Yep

Gab, Marcus, ChewIolaus, Sal3PO, ArgoD2 and the others sit around the fire as Xena stands on a stump

Xena: (Heroic tone) Tomorrow will be an important day in our history, a day in which The Empire will either live or die, a day in which WE will either live or die - Now some might say that we haven't "lived" all of these years under the Imperial Forces but as I look out at friends and fellow soldiers, I tend to disagree...

Gab: (Signaling to Xena) Pick it up!

Xena: One thing is for certain, Darth Ares and the Death City-State will not be standing come this time tomorrow...LONG LIVE THE ALLIANCE!

Everyone: (Cheering in unison) LONG LIVE THE ALLIANCE!

The crowd disperses leaving Gab and Xena alone by the campfire

Xena: Well, did it go over alright?

Gab: Of course...you know, you could stand there and pick your nose for 10 minutes and they'd still follow you into battle

Xena: (Looking glum) Remind me of that the next time

Gab: (Moving closer to Xena) Do you want to talk about it?

Xena: Marcus will lead the first wave on the valley floor, then I want you to lead the second one from the hills

Gab: Wait a minute, why aren't you leading the attack?

Xena: You know as well as I do that we don't stand a chance as long as Ares is alive, I'm going after him tonight

Gab: That's a suicide mission!

Xena: Make sure my body is buried next to Lyceus NOT Taurus

Gab: Then I'm going with you

Xena: (Grabbing Gab) No you're not...all this time as my protegee, you'll be the one to lead if I'm not here to do so

Gab: I only want to go to the Royal Bard Academy

Xena: Give it up, your GPA isn't high enough

Gab: (Starting to cry) Please be careful Xena

Xena: (Wiping her tears) You too...

Sal3PO: Sorry to interrupt Master Xena

Xena: What is it this time Sal?

Sal3PO: Argo says that this is the best time to enter the City-State, you must go now

Xena embraces Gab and departs
At the City-State, Callisto presents Leia Diana to Ares

Leia D: You know Callisto, a good moisturizer twice a day will help those crows feet

Callisto: Shut up! - Lord Ares, I've brought back Xena's annoying companion

Ares: FOOL - You brought back the wrong one!

Callisto: But sire, there were so many to choose from

Ares: Nevermind, Xena is on her way here now, get ready for tomorrow's battle

Leia D: You know Ares, some people think black leather looks good on them but they really should look in a mirror first...

Ares: Take this royal pain and gag her!

Callisto: My pleasure

Leia D: Please use silk, cotton makes my lips chap

Later that night, Xena enters the compound
Gab sneaks up behind her

Gab: Xena, you forgot your cape

Xena: Thanks Gab...GAB? - I TOLD YOU TO STAY

Gab: You didn't reinforce it with a firm but loving pat on the head

Xena: I gave you a piece of cheese

Gab: But you didn't say "good girl"

Xena: (Sighing) Why do I need a cape?

Gab: All heroes and villains should battle each other in capes, it adds visual drama

Xena: Who's going to lead the second wave tomorrow?

Gab: ChewIolaus

Xena: (Sarcastic) Perfect!

Gab: How about I go after Callisto while you deal with Ares?

Xena: Fine - just don't get yourself killed over Leia Diana

Gab: Not a problem

Xena: May the force be with you Gab

Gab: Hey, I like that! - Maybe we should use it as our new slogan

Xena: Nah, not catchy enough

Moments later
Callisto takes Gab by surprise and ties her up next to Leia Diana and the Herc statue in the main chamber
Xena follows a heavy breathing into the same room
The breathing grows louder

Xena: Yes, I know I'm attractive but this is sick!

Ares: (Now gasping) You've been hanging around your horse too long Xena

Xena: (Whirling around) ARES

Ares: XENA

Xena: ARES

Ares: XENA

Callisto, Leia Diana, Gab and the Herc statue simultaneously roll their eyes

Ares: I knew you would come Xena, I FELT YOU

Xena: Hey, I was drunk that night - YOU PROMISED NOT TO TELL

Ares: COME...JOIN THE DARK SIDE

Xena: I've already dyed my hair, what more do you want from me?

Ares: Will you not give in?

Xena: Not while I'm sober!

Ares: THEN PREPARE TO DIE

Xena and Ares start clashing light swords
Gab wiggles around and pops out Xena's breast dagger
She slowly cuts Leia Diana and herself free as Callisto watches Xena and Ares fight

Leia D: How did you get Xena's breast dagger?

Gab: I won it in a dice game

Leia D: You beat Xena in game of dice?

Gab: Only one roll - Please don't ask me what she won

Ares and Xena continue to do battle
Gab and Leia Diana inch up near Callisto
Gab starts to whisper in Leia Diana's ear

Leia D: Maybe Xena likes you to do that but I'm not into it Gab

Gab: Listen, I want you to distract Callisto - Make fun of her split ends

Leia D: I already did that

Gab: Tell her she's bloated

Leia D: Did that!

Gab: Then try complimenting her

Leia D: That's going to be hard

Gab: Nevermind - CALLISTO, I LIKE YOUR TEETH

Callisto: (Turning around) Why thank you!

Gab: (Punching her in the mouth and knocking her out) Now you can get some more

Xena knocks Ares' light sword out of his hand and pins him up against a wall

Ares: You won't kill me Xena...I'M YOUR FATHER

Xena: You've tried that trick before, remember?

Ares: It's true...AND GAB PATHWALKER IS YOUR REAL SISTER

Xena: (Horrified) WHAT?

Gab: OH MY GODS, WE'RE GONNA BURN IN HADES FOR WHAT WE'VE DONE

Leia D: HA - I knew all along that someone with such poor fashion sense couldn't possibly be related to me

Xena: I'm not buying any of this Ares

Ares: I thought as much - THIS MIGHT CONVINCE YOU TO JOIN

Ares reaches into his pants

Xena: Your arrogance is overwhelming!

Gab: Now YOU know how it feels

Ares holds up something glowing
Xena falls backwards on her knees

Gab: What is it Xena?

Xena: IT'S MY OWN FURKING PEZ DISPENSER

Gab: NOOOOO - DON'T GIVE IN XENA - FIGHT THE TEMPTATION

Xena: BUT THE RESEMBLANCE IS UNCANNY

Gab: THE NETFORUMITES WILL MAKE YOU ONE

Xena: WE BLOODY ATE THEM ALL REMEMBER?

Gab: THINK ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE - IT'S INHERENTLY WRONG TO TEACH A CHILD TO SNAP A HEAD BACK FOR CANDY

Xena: THAT'S HOW I WAS RAISED

Gab: AND?

Xena: She's right...sorry Ares, I won't join you

Ares: Your new Winnebago is out front

Xena: DEATH TO THE ALLIANCE

Gab grabs a pitchfork in the corner and smashes Xena in the back

Xena: (Really pissed) Now that's the SECOND time you've done that...KNOCK IT OFF

Leia D: This is all very entertaining but I really need a pedicure!

Leia Diana snatches Xena's chackrum and throws it
Ares is decapitated and the chackrum rebounds off the Herc statue, setting him free

Leia D: (Handing Xena the chackrum) Here's your little round killing thing back - If anybody wants me, I'll be in the spa

Herc: (Looking around) Is there anything I can do?

Xena: Just stand there and look gorgeous

Herc: Hey, I can do that...by the way, what happened?

Gab: Oh not much, The Empire has fallen and I'm Xena's sister

Herc: You're Xena's sister?

Gab: Looks that way

Herc (Big grin) You're Xena's sister!

Marcus and ChewIolaus are successful with their attack
The City-State falls
Xena and Gab watch the victory party from a balcony

Xena: (Smirking) You know Gab, I could have you hanged for disobeying my orders

Gab: (Smirking back) Then who would lick your feet?

Xena: The NetForumites

Gab: We ate them all, remember?

Xena: Oh yeah, I guess I'll have to keep you around then

Sal3PO: (Walking over) Sorry to interrupt Master Xena

Xena: Now what Sal?

Sal3PO: The Alliance is ready to discuss your demands

Gab: What is he talking about Xena?

Xena: I'm renegotiating our contracts - 100,000 dinars per village saved and a piece of the merchandising profits

Gab: Don't forget my own horse!

Lizzy/Tendre
N10DRE2@aol.com

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