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A long time ago, in an era far, far away...
The evil Darth Ares and the Imperial Forces ruled Peloponnesus but a small band of rebels, led by the Warrior Princess Xena, formed and alliance and planned one final assault on Ares' compound, the "Death City-State"
Xena, her twin sister Princess Leia Diana, Gab Pathwalker, Sal3PO and ArgoD2 lead an army of rebel soldiers down a dirt road
Leia D: Are we there yet?
Xena: Not yet
Leia D: I really think we should stop, I need to brush my hair
Xena: You can't brush your hair and walk at the same time?
Leia D: No, it disrupts my concentration
Gab: Xena look! - Over that ridge
Marcus Calrissian, a shaggy blond and a pack of mercenaries come over to meet Xena
Marcus: It's good to see you again Xena
Xena: Where's Herc Solo?
ChewIolaus: (Sad tone) MMMMRRRMMM
Marcus: Callisto Fett turned him into a statue
Gab: Herc a statue, why doesn't that shock me?
Leia D: I don't understand, why didn't she just burn him like everything else?
Xena: He's a demigod, remember? - Fire only gives him a nice tan
Marcus: We heard that's she taking him to Darth Ares' compound
ChewIolaus: (Angry) RRRRRGGGGGHHHH
Xena: I'm on my way there myself
Marcus: Are you crazy Xena? - You don't have enough soldiers to defeat him
Gab: See? - THAT'S what I've been telling her all along but does she listen to me...DOES ANYONE LISTEN TO ME?
Xena: Did you say something Gab?
Gab: (Shaking her head) I give up!
Xena: You don't understand Marcus, something is drawing me to Ares
Marcus: Hey, I know he's good-looking but you shouldn't get mixed up with him
Sal3P0> Sorry to interrupt Master Xena but Argo is sensing...
Xena: Not now Sal...
Xena: I said NOT NOW
Leia D: What's that strange whistling noise?
Gab: Tie Fighter Arrows!
Xena: EVERYONE TAKE COVER
Xena and Marcus can't fend off the Storm Trojans and flee into the forest with the others
Leia D: (Sobbing) My new dress is ruined!
Gab: I don't get it, why aren't they chasing after us?
Xena: Good question
Sal3PO: Argo thinks they believe the forest is haunted
Gab: (Scared) Haunted?
Xena: Oh please!
Marcus: Well, whatever the reason, I think we should stay here for now
A rustling is heard in the bushes
Marcus: On second thought...
Little furry red-eyed creatures jump out and start licking Xena's feet
Gab: Hey, that's MY job!
Leia D: Aren't they cute?
Xena: Don't touch them, they might be rabid!
Sal3PO: Argo calls them "NetForumites" - When they're not eating or sleeping they gather around a glowing fire and worship you Xena
Xena: We're making camp here!
Meanwhile, at the Death City-State
The Emperor calls Darth Ares to his side
Ares: What is thy bidding my master?
Emperor: There is a great disturbance in the force!
Ares: Yes I know, I've felt her
Emperor: Lucky you
Ares: Xena and the others will try to launch an attack on the City-State
Emperor: She has your abilities Ares, her army might succeed
Ares: True, but her army can't do it without her
Emperor: What are your plans?
Ares: She will come here...she is drawn to me!
Emperor: Hey, I know you're good-looking but...
Ares: (Snapping his fingers) AND I have this!
Callisto Fett appears with the Herc Solo statue
Callisto: Lord Ares, do you have another project for me?
Ares: As a matter of fact, I have two for you my dear - Bring me back Xena's annoying companion, but first, me meet in my chambers around midnight
Callisto: Are you going to show me how to use your light sword?
Ares: Something like that
The next day...
A bunch of NetForumites are gathered around Xena, fanning her and feeding her grapes
One recites a poem
Xena: (Mouth full) Not bad, but I don't really care for the rhyme scheme
The NetForumite is immediately slaughtered by the others for it's
Gab Pathwalker returns with a string of small fish
Gab: Do I put these in the food supply or weapons bin?
Xena: You know the rule, anything under 6 inches is useless
Gab: Don't tell ChewIolaus that
Xena: Actually, maybe we should use them as food, the soldiers are getting tired of nuts and berries, we need real meat to build strength
Gab: The Storm Trojans have all the venison, this is the best we can do
Xena: (Looking at the NetForumites) Maybe not...
Later that evening
Xena: (Licking her fingers) Umm, these are pretty tasty with BBQ sauce
Gab: (Stunned) I still can't believe you're eating them
Xena: Trust me honey, they WANT me to eat them, now be a good girl and pass the slaw
Gab: Marcus says the soldiers are ready for tomorrow's attack
Gab: ChewIolaus and Sal3PO went looking for Leia Diana but they couldn't find her
Xena: Callisto Fett took her about an hour ago
Gab: And you didn't stop her?
Xena: Once Ares gets a load of her whining, he'll surrender immediately
Gab: Good strategy!
Xena: It's time to gather the others
Gab: (Seriously) Campfire moment?
Gab, Marcus, ChewIolaus, Sal3PO, ArgoD2 and the others sit around the fire as Xena stands on a stump
Xena: (Heroic tone) Tomorrow will be an important day in our history, a day in which The Empire will either live or die, a day in which WE will either live or die - Now some might say that we haven't "lived" all of these years under the Imperial Forces but as I look out at friends and fellow soldiers, I tend to disagree...
Gab: (Signaling to Xena) Pick it up!
Xena: One thing is for certain, Darth Ares and the Death City-State will not be standing come this time tomorrow...LONG LIVE THE ALLIANCE!
Everyone: (Cheering in unison) LONG LIVE THE ALLIANCE!
The crowd disperses leaving Gab and Xena alone by the campfire
Xena: Well, did it go over alright?
Gab: Of course...you know, you could stand there and pick your nose for 10 minutes and they'd still follow you into battle
Xena: (Looking glum) Remind me of that the next time
Gab: (Moving closer to Xena) Do you want to talk about it?
Xena: Marcus will lead the first wave on the valley floor, then I want you to lead the second one from the hills
Gab: Wait a minute, why aren't you leading the attack?
Xena: You know as well as I do that we don't stand a chance as long as Ares is alive, I'm going after him tonight
Gab: That's a suicide mission!
Xena: Make sure my body is buried next to Lyceus NOT Taurus
Gab: Then I'm going with you
Xena: (Grabbing Gab) No you're not...all this time as my protegee, you'll be the one to lead if I'm not here to do so
Gab: I only want to go to the Royal Bard Academy
Xena: Give it up, your GPA isn't high enough
Gab: (Starting to cry) Please be careful Xena
Xena: (Wiping her tears) You too...
Sal3PO: Sorry to interrupt Master Xena
Xena: What is it this time Sal?
Sal3PO: Argo says that this is the best time to enter the City-State, you must go now
Xena embraces Gab and departs
At the City-State, Callisto presents Leia Diana to Ares
Leia D: You know Callisto, a good moisturizer twice a day will help those crows feet
Callisto: Shut up! - Lord Ares, I've brought back Xena's annoying companion
Ares: FOOL - You brought back the wrong one!
Callisto: But sire, there were so many to choose from
Ares: Nevermind, Xena is on her way here now, get ready for tomorrow's battle
Leia D: You know Ares, some people think black leather looks good on them but they really should look in a mirror first...
Ares: Take this royal pain and gag her!
Callisto: My pleasure
Leia D: Please use silk, cotton makes my lips chap
Later that night, Xena enters the compound
Gab sneaks up behind her
Gab: Xena, you forgot your cape
Xena: Thanks Gab...GAB? - I TOLD YOU TO STAY
Gab: You didn't reinforce it with a firm but loving pat on the head
Xena: I gave you a piece of cheese
Gab: But you didn't say "good girl"
Xena: (Sighing) Why do I need a cape?
Gab: All heroes and villains should battle each other in capes, it adds visual drama
Xena: Who's going to lead the second wave tomorrow?
Xena: (Sarcastic) Perfect!
Gab: How about I go after Callisto while you deal with Ares?
Xena: Fine - just don't get yourself killed over Leia Diana
Gab: Not a problem
Xena: May the force be with you Gab
Gab: Hey, I like that! - Maybe we should use it as our new slogan
Xena: Nah, not catchy enough
Callisto takes Gab by surprise and ties her up next to Leia Diana and the Herc statue in the main chamber
Xena follows a heavy breathing into the same room
The breathing grows louder
Xena: Yes, I know I'm attractive but this is sick!
Ares: (Now gasping) You've been hanging around your horse too long Xena
Xena: (Whirling around) ARES
Callisto, Leia Diana, Gab and the Herc statue simultaneously roll their eyes
Ares: I knew you would come Xena, I FELT YOU
Xena: Hey, I was drunk that night - YOU PROMISED NOT TO TELL
Ares: COME...JOIN THE DARK SIDE
Xena: I've already dyed my hair, what more do you want from me?
Ares: Will you not give in?
Xena: Not while I'm sober!
Ares: THEN PREPARE TO DIE
Xena and Ares start clashing light swords
Gab wiggles around and pops out Xena's breast dagger
She slowly cuts Leia Diana and herself free as Callisto watches Xena and Ares fight
Leia D: How did you get Xena's breast dagger?
Gab: I won it in a dice game
Leia D: You beat Xena in game of dice?
Gab: Only one roll - Please don't ask me what she won
Ares and Xena continue to do battle
Gab and Leia Diana inch up near Callisto
Gab starts to whisper in Leia Diana's ear
Leia D: Maybe Xena likes you to do that but I'm not into it Gab
Gab: Listen, I want you to distract Callisto - Make fun of her split ends
Leia D: I already did that
Gab: Tell her she's bloated
Leia D: Did that!
Gab: Then try complimenting her
Leia D: That's going to be hard
Gab: Nevermind - CALLISTO, I LIKE YOUR TEETH
Callisto: (Turning around) Why thank you!
Gab: (Punching her in the mouth and knocking her out) Now you can get some more
Xena knocks Ares' light sword out of his hand and pins him up against a wall
Ares: You won't kill me Xena...I'M YOUR FATHER
Xena: You've tried that trick before, remember?
Ares: It's true...AND GAB PATHWALKER IS YOUR REAL SISTER
Xena: (Horrified) WHAT?
Gab: OH MY GODS, WE'RE GONNA BURN IN HADES FOR WHAT WE'VE DONE
Leia D: HA - I knew all along that someone with such poor fashion sense couldn't possibly be related to me
Xena: I'm not buying any of this Ares
Ares: I thought as much - THIS MIGHT CONVINCE YOU TO JOIN
Ares reaches into his pants
Xena: Your arrogance is overwhelming!
Gab: Now YOU know how it feels
Ares holds up something glowing
Xena falls backwards on her knees
Gab: What is it Xena?
Xena: IT'S MY OWN FURKING PEZ DISPENSER
Gab: NOOOOO - DON'T GIVE IN XENA - FIGHT THE TEMPTATION
Xena: BUT THE RESEMBLANCE IS UNCANNY
Gab: THE NETFORUMITES WILL MAKE YOU ONE
Xena: WE BLOODY ATE THEM ALL REMEMBER?
Gab: THINK ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE - IT'S INHERENTLY WRONG TO TEACH A CHILD TO SNAP A HEAD BACK FOR CANDY
Xena: THAT'S HOW I WAS RAISED
Xena: She's right...sorry Ares, I won't join you
Ares: Your new Winnebago is out front
Xena: DEATH TO THE ALLIANCE
Gab grabs a pitchfork in the corner and smashes Xena in the back
Xena: (Really pissed) Now that's the SECOND time you've done that...KNOCK IT OFF
Leia D: This is all very entertaining but I really need a pedicure!
Leia Diana snatches Xena's chackrum and throws it
Ares is decapitated and the chackrum rebounds off the Herc statue, setting him free
Leia D: (Handing Xena the chackrum) Here's your little round killing thing back - If anybody wants me, I'll be in the spa
Herc: (Looking around) Is there anything I can do?
Xena: Just stand there and look gorgeous
Herc: Hey, I can do that...by the way, what happened?
Gab: Oh not much, The Empire has fallen and I'm Xena's sister
Herc: You're Xena's sister?
Gab: Looks that way
Herc (Big grin) You're Xena's sister!
Marcus and ChewIolaus are successful with their attack
The City-State falls
Xena and Gab watch the victory party from a balcony
Xena: (Smirking) You know Gab, I could have you hanged for disobeying my orders
Gab: (Smirking back) Then who would lick your feet?
Xena: The NetForumites
Gab: We ate them all, remember?
Xena: Oh yeah, I guess I'll have to keep you around then
Sal3PO: (Walking over) Sorry to interrupt Master Xena
Xena: Now what Sal?
Sal3PO: The Alliance is ready to discuss your demands
Gab: What is he talking about Xena?
Xena: I'm renegotiating our contracts - 100,000 dinars per village saved and a piece of the merchandising profits
Gab: Don't forget my own horse!