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***** Hey y'all, guess what time it is? It's pick on Renee and her Momma time! Once again, the lovely and talented ROC along with her maternal entity are the subjects of a SPOOF, so please locate your "funny bones" and understand that this will be fraught with Texas stereotypes...I wish to thank Sandra Wilson for birthing her babygirl in the great Lone Star state because I'd NEVER have this much fun if her daughter were born in Iowa...ENJOY; ) *****
Renee's Momma picks up the phone and calls her daughter
ROC: (Answering) G'day?
Momma: Now listen here, Missy, New Zealand may be your new home but there aint no need to be a-talkin' like that!
ROC: Sorry, Momma
Momma: Say it!
ROC: Momma, please!
Momma: SAY IT
ROC: HOW Y'ALL DOIN'? - Y'ALL, Y'ALL, Y'ALL - Y'ALL HAPPY NOW?
Momma: Thank you
ROC: (Sighing) What's up, Momma?
Momma: I just got back from that big fan thang of yours in crazy KALI-FOR-NI-AY
ROC: Did ya bathe in Lysol like I told ya?
Momma: Sweetie, they didn't seem infected with anythang - except with their love for y'all
ROC: C'mon, they don't love me...nobody loves me...only you love me, Momma!
Momma: Now Honeysuckle, ya gotta cut that out, remember what the therapist said
ROC: What makes ya think they love me anyway?
Momma: This one couple said they'd lick your boots anytime, anywhere
ROC: They'se probably just mineral deficient, that don't mean they love me
Momma: I'se got proof - I took pictures of 'em and all the others that came a-slobberin' around
ROC: Who ya foolin'? - Ya took pictures o'the mental ward again!
Momma: I did NOT hafta go to the mental ward this time - they all came to me!
ROC: Well now, I hope ya made duplicate shots and sent 'em to the FBI
Momma: Actually, I think I sent 'em to the Fish and Game warden by accident
ROC: At least ya didn't talk to any o'them Fruit Loop Loonies, did ya? - Momma?...MOMMA? - DID YA TALK TO THEM? - I TOLD YA NOT TO TALK TO THEM
Momma: Now, Angel Bear, how could I not?
ROC: BUT I TOLD YA NOT TO
Momma: Look, you'se the actress in the family, I wasn't about to play the deaf mute for a weekend!
ROC: WHADYA SAY TO 'EM?
Momma: Well, lessee, first I told 'em about ya bein' Willie Nelson's lovechild, then I went on to tell 'em about the Juvenile Hall years...
Momma: Oh, Sweet Jesus, Puddin' Pop, whadya think I'd say? - I told 'em you'se my darlin' babygirl and how mighty proud ya make me!
ROC: Oh, Momma
Momma: S'proud, in fact, I'se bustin' m'buttons right n' left
ROC: I hope ya kept ya shirt on, the last thang we need is a picture of y'all in your brassiere on the 'Net
Momma: Hey, that could be interestin'! - Renee...RENEE? - I WAS JOKIN', STOP HYPERVENTILATIN'...C'MON...C'MON...SUCK IN SOME CARBON DIOXIDE FOR MOMMA
ROC: (Gasping) I can't believe ya said that - I CAN'T BELIEVE YA SAID THAT
Momma: Pumpkin, I aint in the ground yet, I can still have some fun
ROC: (Crying) DON'T SAY THAT - DON'T SAY THAT
Momma: Renee, quit your bawlin', right now, ya hear?
ROC: Okay, okay...I'se done
Momma: Did ya wipe your nose on your sleeve?
Momma: Well, it's good to know ya haven't lost ALL of your Texas breedin'
ROC: What else happened at that freak show?
Momma: They all said you'se got m'smile
ROC: That reminds me...can I keep it for another month?
Momma: Renee, ya said ya was a-sendin' it back!
Momma: Oh, alright, but I need it this summer
Momma: Some of your fans asked me to attend their weddin's
ROC: Y'ALL GOIN'?
Momma: I certainly couldn't refuse, especially since I'm the matron of honor in a half dozen!
ROC: OKAY...THIS IS ALL STOPPIN' RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW - YOU'SE MY MOMMA...MINE...IT'S BAD ENOUGH I HAVE TO SHARE Y'ALL WITH A BROTHER...I AINT A-SHARIN' YA WITH A BUNCH O'CRACKER HEADS
Momma: But, Tweety Bird, they'se your own legion of Prison Men and Lesbians!
ROC: Look out, "Disney Channel," I'se a-comin' home!
Momma: Don't be so judgmental, a couple o'them made ya some pretty whoop-ass sticks
Momma: No...I don't think they was nuns and none of 'em answered to the name "Chuck" either
ROC: Actually, those might come in handy for crushin' the skulls o'them idiot parody writers
Momma: Y'all got some other gifts too
ROC: I DID?
Momma: Uh-huh...here, lemme read some o'the cards...TO RENEE, BECAUSE YOU'RE AN AQUARIAN LIKE ME, I WANTED YOU TO HAVE THIS...HEY RENEE, BECAUSE Y'ALL A TEXAN LIKE ME, I WANTED YA TO HAVE THIS...DEAR RENEE, BECAUSE YOU POSSESS A CLAVICLE LIKE ME, I WANTED YOU TO HAVE THIS...
ROC: Well, why don't ya mosey on down to the Comanche Peak Nuclear Power Plant, ask 'em for one o'them spare lead pails and send the stuff to me
Momma: Sure thang, Bugaboo, AND someone baked ya a sweet potato pie also!
ROC: Don't got Lucy's name on it nowhere?
Momma: Nope, all yours, Babe!
ROC: YEE HAW, I'SE BIG TIME NOW
Momma: Speakin' of "big time," y'all got some more congratulatory remarks on your WEB Page, did ya want me to put 'em up?
ROC: Better read 'em to me first
Momma: Okay..."Dear Renee, SEE? PRETENDIN' to knock over minimarts on TV is much better than doin' em in real life, Best of luck! - Sgt. Jiminez, Texas Board of Parole"
ROC: Uh, no, don't post that one
Momma: How 'bout this one?..."To our favorite rodeo clown, we miss ya somethin' fierce, Hon, and so do the bulls, Keep your belt buckles polished! - Sonny Ray Moon"
ROC: AWW, that's a "maybe"
Momma: Here's a nice one..."Hey O'Connor, if that actin' thang don't work out, ya can always have your old job back, no one can stack 'em and hook 'em like our girl! - Big Lloyd, Big Lloyd's House of Tires & Bait"
ROC: Definitely NOT, I'm still tryin' to live down workin' on that Exxon commercial!
Momma: There's one more..."Hi Rinny, congratulations on your WEB Page, m'new husband owns the Internet, ya know! - April May June-Gates"
Momma: I'll take that as a "no"...OH...and which "e" did ya want me to put the accent mark over next month?
ROC: I'se tired o'the accent mark, put a big old tilde over the "n" instead
Momma: Cactus Flower, I don't know where ya get your wild streak from!
ROC: Better yet, why don't ya hold a contest on the Internet and see what symbols the yokels come up with
Momma: We'se already had 'em gussin' your middle name
Momma: DON'T WORRY, DON'T WORRY, I told 'em ya don't have one
ROC: THANK THE LORD
Momma: Now, there's A-NOTHIN' wrong with "Renee Clementine O'Connor"
ROC: GIT OUT...GIT OUTTA M'TRAILER...GIT OUTTA M'TRAILER
Momma: Funny, you'se half a world away yet there's somethin' real familiar 'bout that phrase!
ROC: Lucy just came in
Momma: What's she doin'?
ROC: Friskin' me for Mentos
Momma: Can't ya tell her to stop?
ROC: STOP? - THIS HERE'S THE BEST PART OF M'DAY - HIGHER, LUCY, HIGHER
LL: You bought the bloody mint kind again - I HATE MINT
ROC: Yeah, I know
LL: Who's on the phone?
LL: Big surprise...HEY MOMMA
Momma: HEY LUCY
LL: HEY MOMMA
Momma: HEY LUCY
LL: HEY MOMMA
Momma: HEY LUCY
ROC: ENOUGH O'THAT
LL: Hey Momma, guess what?
Momma: What, Sugar?
LL: I'm a parade float!
Momma: Aint that nice!
LL: Got me own marching band as well
Momma: Wonderful! - Y'all still sittin' on m'daughter?
Momma: And are ya sittin' up straight? - Remember, no slouchin'
LL: NOT YOU TOO - Here, Renee, you can have her back now
Momma: Is she gone?
ROC: Yeah, thanks Momma
Momma: No problemo
ROC: Ya know they'se all inbred down here
Momma: No wonder ya like it s'much, it reminds ya o'home!
ROC: Well, I guess I better be headin' back to work
Momma: Oh, before ya go, the "Theater On Wheels" people might be a-callin' ya to do their celebrity auction
Momma: Well, they DID give ya the inspiration!
ROC: I've been meanin' to ask ya about that...
ROC: WHAT IN THE HELL WAS YA THINKIN', MOMMA, LETTIN' YOUR 8-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER GO OFF IN A TRUCK FULL O'ACTORS?
Momma: It seemed safe at the time
ROC: Y'all wouldn't even let "Meals on Wheels" deliver to great Granpappy 'cause ya thought they'd spike his food!
Momma: They took ya to a church, didn't they?
ROC: Ah right, the reverend's private quarters/dressing room was sure fun a-changin' in
Momma: Say whatever ya want, ya became a famous actress, didn't ya?
ROC: Ya mean your daughter's CLONE became a famous actress
Momma: What in creation are ya blabberin' about?
ROC: I'se "Renee's International Clone" or "RIC"
Momma: That there's crazytalk!
ROC: After we finished our lil' skit, those "actors" cloned us all
Momma: How is that possible?
ROC: Didn't y'all see the refrigerators and beakers in the back o'their truck?
Momma: I thought they was just props!
ROC: Well, at first they was...
Momma: WHAT HAPPENED...WHAT HAPPENED TO M'PEA POD?
ROC: Your "Pea Pod" was sold into white slavery for the Khmer Rouge - I do believe her dyin' words were, "WHY'D YA LET ME GO IN THAT THERE TRUCK, MOMMA?" before they necklaced her with a flamin' tire
ROC: Don't worry, I'se still your gal - just now I can levitate small cities on occasion
Momma: Well, if that's the case, would ya please do somethang about Beaumont on your next visit home?
ROC: How 'bout Abilene?
Momma: Okay...Ooh, gotta 'nother call, see ya!
ROC: Wait, when did ya git call waitin'?
Momma: When your fans started callin' and askin' for advice - Later, Turtle Dove
ROC: MOMMA...MOMMA...DANG IT...I'SE GOTTA DO SOMETHIN' EXTREME WITH THEM LOCOS
LL: (Poking her head in) Hey Renee, guess what, I'm an ice sculpture!
ROC: (Grabbing her nunchucks) First thangs first