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by Lizzy/Tendre
N10DRE2@aol.com
Ever IMAGINE (in other words, this aint real, people) what our two favorite co-stars would discuss over a Hollywood "power lunch?" Well, here's my take on it...ENJOY; )
At the border of Beverly Hills and West Hollywood, Lucy and Renee do lunch at "The Ivy"
LL: (Speaking on her cell phone) Yes...of course, Darling...whatever you say...Toodles! - YOU FURKING PARASITE
ROC: Talkin' to a family member?
LL: No, just my agent
ROC: That reminds me, I forgot to make a small animal sacrifice to mine
LL: Don't use rodents, they consider it blasphemy
The waitress brings them their salads
Waitress: Would either of you care for some fresh ground pepper or grated Parmesan?
LL: Too right! - But first, I want you to juggle everything while performing the closing number to "A Chorus Line"
Waitress: Excuse me?
LL: We have power to abuse now and now we're abusing it...GET MOVING, MISSY!
The waitress tries her best and then leaves in a huff
LL: A walking Judder bar, that one
ROC: Hey Lucy, do y'all think we'se famous enough to kill someone and git away with it yet?
LL: Hmm...I'd wait another season or two
ROC: Good thinkin' - You British are always plannin' ahead!
LL: I'M NOT BRITISH - WHY DO YOU THINK I'M BRITISH? - I'M NOT BRITISH
Renee's cell phone rings
ROC: Hello? - Oh, hi Momma...no...no...ANOTHER ONE? - I dunno, make a necklace, give it to the dog...WHATEVER...okay...okay...I know...please stop cryin'...love you too...bye now!
LL: What's wrong?
ROC: (Sighing) M'fans sent another ear
LL: This makes an even dozen, does it not?
ROC: Well, if you count the guy that sent both of his...
LL: Maybe you should have someone else handle your fan mail besides your mother
ROC: NO SIREEE - this here is SWEET PAYBACK for Momma not lettin' me become a roadie for Reba AND all the times m'family looked at me like I was touched for wantin' to be an actress
LL: I know what you mean...it took several years before I realized when my family would refer to me as an actress, they meant it derisively
ROC: And now we'se cult goddesses!
LL: I prefer "deities of a niche"
ROC: Y'all speakin' French on me again? - Texas gals don't lissin to that frog talk!
LL: But you're unopposed to other oral activities Francais?
ROC: Hey, y'all can't spell "Texas" without S-E-X
A group of businessmen at the next table overhear and make lewd gestures
Group: HEY BABY
ROC: GROW UP
Group: (Laughing) Give us a few seconds
LL: That's all you gents ever need
Group: By the way, Penn State will CRUSH Texas in the Fiesta Bowl!
ROC: Keep dreamin' your Quaker asses off, Northern Boys!
LL: Is everyone finished?
ROC: Not yet...HOOK'EM HORNS...okay, we'se done
LL: Honestly Renee, I cannot comprehend the need of Americans to validate their natal origin by projecting their aspirations on a professional athletic franchise
ROC: What in the Hell did ya just say? - YOU'SE IN M'COUNTRY NOW, SPEAK ENGLISH
LL: I take umbrage to that comment
ROC: Huh?
LL: PISS OFF
ROC: Now, there ya go! - Was that s'hard?
LL: I WAS going to get you eyebrows that matched your hair color for Christmas, but now, DEFINITELY a thesaurus
ROC: Oh, I LOVED that dinosaur from "Jurassic Park"
The waitress comes over to refill their drinks
Waitress: Your lunch will be ready shortly
LL: By the time you get to it, Dearie, it will be our dinner!
The waitress gives Lucy an evil glare and leaves
LL: What a discourteous little shit!
ROC: Whoa, you'se the only person I know that can say "discourteous" and "shit" in the same sentence
LL: It's called "growing up Kiwi"...it's a gift!
ROC: It's called "usin' big words that don't impress nobody"...it's annoyin'!
LL: "Annoying" - 3 syllables - GOOD GIRL, here's a cracker!
ROC: Hey, our public educational system may not fill the same britches as yours...
LL: It doesn't even fill Bulgaria's
ROC: BUT, we can hold our own - I even gots me a "RIF" certificate!
LL: RIF?
ROC: "Readin' Is Fundamental"
LL: "Fundamental"...spell it, define it, use it in a sentence
ROC: KEEP IT UP, ISLAND GIRL - I swear I'se gonna take a dictionary - unabridged - and shove it down your throat!
LL: Ooooh baby baby...c'mon...YOU KNOW I WANT IT
ROC: AAAAAAAAHHHHH
LL: Well, you've got a vowel down, now let's try adding some consonants, shall we?
ROC: At least I have more than one vowel - I can't tell the difference between "bid," "bed" and "bad" with y'all
LL: It's called a "mid front lax" and we don't take one vowel and turn it into thuuuriiieeeyyy
ROC: Y'all makin' fun of my Texan heritage?
LL: You better believe I'm making fun of your Wrangler jeans wearing, bronco bucking daring, big hair scaring, Southwest Air faring, cattle ass branding, Alamo's last standing, horse shoe hurling, shiny baton twirling up your nose with a yellow rose heritage!
ROC: Oh yeah? - You're whole country is the size of m'state!
LL: I'll give you a hundred dollars if you can tell me the names of those surrounding states
ROC: How 'bout I break out m'chaps and spurs and ride ya into the ground?
LL: That would be fine if YOU KNEW HOW
ROC: Sasquatch!
LL: Was that meant to be an insult?
ROC: I dunno many gals that would take too kindly to bein' called "Big Foot"
LL: At least I'm considered "Texas-sized," how about you, Lil' Rusty Head?
ROC: HEY, m'hair is an attractive shade of burnt sienna!
LL: It's burnt, all right
ROC: And your hair is SOOO wonderful
LL: Let's find out
Lucy gets up and clinks her glass
LL: Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I just wanted you all to know that not only am I a stunning brunette, I'm also a beautiful NATURAL blonde
The men applaud while the women throw cutlery at Lucy Renee notices two adults with a small boy enter the restaurant
ROC: (To Lucy) Goll Dang, whatever you do, don't turn around!
LL: Why, is Der Kommissar in town?
ROC: COUPLE WITH A KID, COUPLE WITH A KID
LL: (Rolling her eyes) Perfect
The family spots the two and come over
Husband: We're so sorry to interrupt your lunch...
LL>: Then why are you?
ROC: (Kicking Lucy under the table) No, please, we love to meet total strangers during the few moments of peace we have a day
Wife: It's just that we're...I mean our son, Brandon is such a big fan of your show, isn't that right, Brandon?
Brandon: WAAAAHHHH
Wife: It's alright, Sweetie, say "Hi" to Xena, she's not going to kill you
Brandon: WAAAAHHHH
LL: (Extending her hand) Hello there, Brandon, I hope my daughter Daisy meets a boy just as handsome as you some...DAAAAAYYYYYYEEEEEE
Husband: BRANDON - WHAT DID WE TELL YOU ABOUT BITING PEOPLE'S FINGERS?
Wife: Someone's going to get a big "Time Out"
LL: (Getting ready to throw her chair at them) He's not the only one
ROC: (Holding down Lucy's arm) Heh, would y'all like an autograph?
Husband: That would be nice BUT do you think we could have your shoes instead? - It's much more personal
LL: (Getting ready to kick) I'LL GIVE YOU MY SHOE
ROC: (Holding down Lucy's leg) Actually, we'll be needing our shoes to walk with HOWEVER we could sign our napkins
Wife: Won't the restaurant get mad?
ROC: (Signing) Hey, we'se big Hollywood celebrities, remember?
Waitress: (Bringing the entrees) The plates are very hot and the napkins will be an extra $20.00 on your bill
Wife: (Taking the autographs) Thanks! - Say "thank you," Brandon
Brandon: (Shoving his finger up his nose) I pick this for you, Xena
LL: Lovely
Husband: Before we go, we just wanted to say that you two have such a palpable on-screen chemistry, it's refreshing to see it carry over off-screen as well
Wife: Absolutely, you two deserve your own element on the periodic chart
LL: (Throwing an arm around Renee) My Mate!
ROC: (Throwing an arm around Lucy) Sisterfriend Lucy!
The trio leave
LL: (Marking down something in her purse) That's another stipend we get from the PR department for feigning friendship in public
ROC: What's wrong with these fans? - Do we look like trained monkeys?
LL: (Checking Renee for ticks) I dunno
ROC: And I don't even wanna THINK about what they're writin' on that there Innernet thang!
LL: They're either debating our sexual preference, attacking each other or nitpicking the latest episode to death
ROC: (Sighing) I suppose it's just the price of fame
LL: Can you ever imagine going so crazy over someone?
ROC: (Looking at the table across the way) IT'S HIM...OHMYGOD, IT'S HIM
LL: (Also looking) Who? WHO?
ROC: (Shocked) WHO? - Lucy, it's Spock!
LL: That bloke who wrote about how to raise psycho kids?
ROC: NO, IT'S MR. SPOCK
LL: "Star Wars," right?
ROC: "Star TREK"
LL: Oh yes, the one with the funky uniforms, I remember it now
ROC: - S'sorry, I forgot y'all aint into Pop Culture 'cause ya grew up in "PerfectLand"
LL: Is it my fault you dysfunctional Schizo-Yanks had to put your faith in Klingons and Duran Duran as teenagers?
ROC: Now don't ya be startin' with Duran Duran - they taught me everythang I know about eye liner!
LL: Big surprise there
ROC: I suppose y'all learned everythang in your life from books?
LL: Most of it
ROC: Big surprise there
LL: At least my life's motto isn't "Donkey Kong and a Dr. Pepper - y'all can never git no better"
ROC: Quit ridin' your high horse of pomposity and try it sometime!
LL: "Pomposity" - Lord Almighty, there must be some kind of "vocabulary spell" in your bisque
ROC: (Getting ready to spoon some at Lucy) Let's find out
Leonard Nimoy gets up from his table
ROC: HEY MR. SPOCK, WAIT, MINDMELD WITH ME
LN: Warp off!
LL: Excuse me, Sir, I understand your prosperous career was established in a genre similar to the one me and my co-star currently occupy
LN: (To Renee) She's not from around here, is she?
ROC: Are Kirk and Bones here too?
LL: I was wondering if you might impart some words of wisdom to a couple of novices?
LN: RUN GIRLS - RUN WHILE YOU CAN - IT NEVER ENDS
LL: That bad, is it?
LN: Do you know my REAL name...DO YOU?
LL: I'll guess "Bob"
ROC: SPOCK
LN: NO, it's Leonard Nimoy!
ROC: IS NOT
LN: (Leaving) Good luck to you both...in more ways than one
ROC: (Separating her middle and ring finger) Live long and prosper!
LL: The power of television is absolutely frightening
ROC: Not as frightenin' as the Borg
LL: What?
ROC: Nevermind...y'know the more I think about it, our fans just wanna drop out for an hour
LL: An hour? - THESE PEOPLE HAVE DROPPED OFF THE BLOODY PLANET
ROC: Hey, at least ya get booty
LL: No kidding...you should see all the gifts they send me, do you need a new VCR? - It translates both PAL and SECAM
ROC: Huh, my fans only send me ears...and a pack of Slim Jims
LL: If you ask me, they're all off the rails...the whole stinking lot of 'em!
ROC: Yeah, it's really kinda sad that people can't believe in Family, Country and Religion anymore, that's why they turn to us as new gods
LL: Indeed
Both think for a minute
LL: I want my temple made out of solid granite
ROC: And I want mine outta mother-of-pearl
LL: You mean "nacre"
ROC: Don't be gettin' all smart ass on me again!
LL: Is that anyway to address a fellow idol?
The waitress comes over
Waitress: Forgive the intrusion, oh great saviors of syndication, but we're moving you to another table
LL: (Outraged) Is this some sort of a joke? - DO YOU KNOW WHO WE ARE?
Waitress: Mr. Jaleel White is here and this is his favorite spot
ROC: WAIT A MINUTE, Y'ALL KICKIN' US OUT FOR URKEL?
Waitress: His show is on a major network...is yours? - BUT, as a way to say, "we reasonably care about you," dessert is on the house
LL: (Moving to another table) Damn well better be!
ROC: (Following) I just can't believe we'se bein' overthrown by some sit-com person...I'd git it if it were Crystal Bernard n'all seein' she's the Texas Beef Ranchers' "Most Famous Lone Star Star"
LL: Aren't you up for that?
ROC: (Sobbing) I'se behind her at number two...I'SE ALWAYS NUMBER TWO...RENEE "FOREVER SIDEKICK" O'CONNOR NUMBER TWO...WHEN AM I EVER GONNA BE NUMBER ONE?
LL: You're number one with me, Love, NOW SHUT THE FURK UP AND WIPE YOUR FACE
ROC: How can I, we gave away our napkins
LL: Then use the tablecloth
ROC: (Feeling it) It's too rough
LL: (Offering Renee her sleeve) Bloody Hell!
ROC: (Taking it) You Scottish folk sure are the resourceful ones
LL: I'M NOT SCOTCH - WHY DO YOU THINK I'M SCOTCH? - I'M NOT SCOTCH
The waitress returns with their dessert
LL: (Suspiciously) What is it?
Waitress: Peach flan
ROC: OH NO, NOOOOOOOOO
Suddenly, Lucy becomes entranced, picks up the dish and starts to rub it against her bosom
ROC: LUCY, DON'T
LL: Renee, life is a gift...
ROC: STOP IT
LL: You either eat it now or watch it rot
ROC: (Slapping Lucy across the face) SNAP OUT OF IT
Lucy drops the dish and looks around
LL: (Dazed) Wh...what happened?
ROC: Lucy, breathe...and focus...breathe...and focus...
LL: Why are things all fuzzy?
ROC: You had another one of them "peach" incidents
LL: DAMN - We should've insisted on chocolate mousse
A man from another table hops over
Man: (To Lucy) I'll give you $1000.00 to keep doing what you were doing and I'll give your friend another $1000.00 to lick it off of you
ROC: Y'all go on back to your table now, Mister
LL: Is that in American dollars?
ROC: LUCY
LL: Sorry
ROC: Y'know, my Momma's STILL upset about you fondlin' your dessert at Threadgill's
LL: How was I to know she baked a peach pie?
ROC: (Looking at her watch) Oh, I see, it's "blame m'Momma" time!
LL: You bet your sweet lollyknockers it's blame your Momma time!
ROC: Y'all blamin' m'Momma?
LL: I'm blaming your Momma!
ROC: You BETTER not be blamin' m'Momma!
LL: And what if I WERE blaming your Momma?
ROC: DON'T YOU DARE GO BLAMIN' M'MOMMA
LL: HEY GULF GIRL...YO MOMMA
Renee grabs a piece of radicchio off the floor and shoves it in Lucy's mouth
LL: (Spitting it out at Renee) I know the REAL reason behind your hostility...you can't forgive me for showing that movie to your family
ROC: THEY WAS ALL EXPECTIN' "JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH"
LL: Well, I'm glad I broadened their cinematic horizons
ROC: Oh yeah, I'm SO SURE y'all show it at your annual "Ryan Family Grass Clippin's And Rotten Fruit Throwin' Film Fest!"
LL: There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that movie...it's a BEAUTIFUL allegory and if you didn't descend from repressed puritanical hypocrites, maybe you'd see that!
ROC: At least we didn't descend from criminals!
LL: DAMMIT ALL, FOR THE LAST TIME, THAT'S AUSTRALIA
ROC: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
LL: (Gets ready to punch Renee then changes her mind) Alright, along with the thesaurus for Christmas, a subscription to "National Geographic For Kids"
The waitress brings over the check
Waitress: Sorry to say that my time with you two has ended, and as devastating as that may be for me, I must depart your little "I-have-it-so-tough-as-a-celebrity Whining and Dining."
ROC: HEY - Do y'all know how HARD we hafta work in skimpy costumes? - Wait, that didn't sound s'good
Waitress: And do you know how many people would LOVE to be in your skimpy costumes?
LL: (Sizing up the waitress) IN YOUR DREAMS, SANDWICH PORTER
ROC: Lucy, did y'all wanna write this off today or shall I?
LL: Your shout, Hon
ROC: (Paying the bill) All righty, let's go
The two start to walk out of the restaurant
LL: (Turning around to the waitress) And here's your tip, Girlie...LICK IT N' STICK IT
ROC: You Welsh people sure have a way with the words
LL: I'M NOT WELSH - WHY DO YOU THINK I'M WELSH? - I'M NOT WELSH
Lucy and Renee start walking down the street
Two women on a motorcycle stop and shout at them
Women: HEY, XENA AND GABRIELLE
LL: (To Renee) Prepare for "Fan Facade: 69Delta2"
ROC: Ready
Women: YOU RULE
LL: Now
Lucy slides her hand down Renee's backside while Renee sucks on Lucy's finger
LL: OUCH - That's the one the brat bit earlier!
ROC: (Switching fingers) Sorry
Women: WE GAVE UP THE MELISSA ETHERIDGE CONCERT JUST TO SEE YOUR NEW EPISODE
LL: We appreciate your support!
ROC: Thank ya right kindly!
The women drive off
LL: (Marking something in her purse) Yet another stipend
ROC: How many more audience types are we gonna run into today?
LL: Well, if we encounter any old or lame people, I've got my crutches in the car
ROC: Lucy, you're s'smart!
LL: Yes, I know
ROC: I just wish we could go someplace where people don't know us
LL: (Snapping her fingers) Choice idea!
The two are transported to the middle of Antarctica
ROC: How did you do that?
LL: We're big time Hollywood celebrities, remember?
ROC: LEMME TRY, LEMME TRY
Renee snaps her fingers and they end up in Woodbridge, New Jersey
A man with a grey ponytail wearing a kilt spots them
Keltoi John: LUCY, RENEE IS IT REALLY YOU? - I KNEW YOU'D COME FOR ME
LL: (To Renee) Quickly, try again!
Renee snaps her fingers and they disappear
KJ: NOOOO, WAIT, COME BACK
Mrs. Keltoi comes after her husband
LadyK: Let's go, John
KJ: BUT, BUT LUCY AND RENEE CAME TO SEE ME, THEY DID I TELL YOU
LadyK: Right, get back inside now, Saint Patrick is due for pinochle
Lucy and Renee return to Antarctica
ROC: Great idea, Lucy, no one will ever know us here!
LL: Aw, look at the cute little penguins...I think they're performing a mating ritual
ROC: It looks like they'se tryin' to spell out somethang...
LL: G-I-V-E...A-R-G-O...M-O-R-E...S-C-R-E-E-N-T-I-M-E
ROC: Well, I'll be!
LL: Isn't that just super!
Lucy runs over to them
LL: (Screaming) No one cares what you think, after all, you're BIRDS WHO CAN'T FLY
ROC: Now Lucy, calm down
LL: Sorry, I will NOT take second billing to a horse
ROC: Y'all try workin' for Disney sometime
LL: (Holding her chest) Ow, I think I froze my lungs yelling at those shark hors d'oeuvres
ROC: You Chinese sure can't take the cold
LL: I'M NOT CHINESE - WHY DO YOU THINK I'M CHINESE? - I'M NOT CHINESE
The two trudge through the snow and stumble across a weather outpost
A group a male scientists invite then in
LL: (To Renee) You, me and a bunch of men stuck out in the middle of an ice continent, this could be FUN
ROC: I git the cute ones this time
Scientist#1: Ladies, we are overjoyed by your presence
LL: (Smirking) I'm sure you are
Scientist#2: Can we discuss how important "foreshadowing" is to a script?
LL: WHAT?
ROC: (Flirtatious) Wouldn't y'all like to discuss "foreplay" instead?
Scientist#1: (Perplexed) No
Scientist#2: Speaking of "play," why don't we all play "Xena?"
Other scientists: YAY...I WANNA BE ARES...I WANNA BE THEODORIS...I WANNA BE GABRIELLE
ROC: Now why in blazes wouldya wanna BE Gabrielle when you could BE WITH Gabrielle?
Scientists: How boring!
ROC: YOU SON OF A...
LL: Nevermind, Renee
Lucy snaps her fingers
They are now on the moon
ROC: WHOA - THIS IS S'COOL - LUCY, YOU'RE S'COOL
LL: Yes, I know
They spot the American flag
ROC: (Taunting) And where is the banner of New Zealand?
LL: One snap of my fingers and you're in naked in 'Frisco!
ROC: Sorry...c'mon I'll race ya to the Sea of Tranquility
LL: (Looking up) Hold on Houston, we have a problem
A strange spaceship lands next to them
ROC: OH NO, MARTIANS
LL: Actually, shouldn't the correct terminology be "Moontians?"
ROC: WE'SE ABOUT TO BECOME ALIEN CHOW AND Y'ALL GETTIN' IDIOMATIC ON ME?
LL: "Idiomatic?" - Three big words in one day, Renee, you must be exhausted!
ROC: FOOLCHILD, WE'SE GONNA DIE
LL: Just relax...we're gorgeous, remember? - Aliens don't want gorgeous people, only corn farmers with missing teeth
ROC: I know, we can tell'em we just met Spock!
The aliens disembark from their ship
They nonchalantly undulate by Lucy and Renee, pretending not to notice
LL: Oh for Chrissakes, we can see your bloody dorsal eye peering at us
ROC: Y'all aint very subtle, that's why WE'RE actors
LL: We also know you want to say something so why not just get it over with?
The aliens zip over
Alien#1: OHMYZORGON, WE JUST LOVE YOUR SHOW
Alien#2: It's the biggest hit after "Knight Ridder" in the Crab Nebula
Alien#1: Could we get a DNA sample from you two?
Alien#2: And please sign it "To Dalwq: Our Greatest Non-Human Fan"
Lucy and Renee chat with them for awhile, give a tissue sample and wave goodbye
ROC: Now they was actually kinda nice
LL: You're just saying that because they offered you your own galaxy
ROC: Sure beats ears
LL: True enough
ROC: Hey Lucy, I just had a deep thought
LL: Must be the loss of gravity
ROC: What if God, or in your case, Satan, is a fan of the show? - We'se gonna be spendin' all of eternity as our characters!
LL: Universal is having trouble securing the broadcast rights to Madagascar, The Afterlife is down the road a bit...AND WHY IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK I'M GOING TO HELL?
ROC: See ya!
Renee leaps over a crater and takes off
Lucy's cell phone rings
LL: Yes? - A breakfast cereal? - With marshmallow chackrums? - Hmm, let me get back to you on that one
Lizzy/Tendre
N10DRE2@aol.com
