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The lights go down in a crowded amphitheater Salmoneus comes on stage
Sal: Good evening mortals and immortals and welcome to the 96 Miss Peloponnesus Pageant!
A cheer goes up from the crowd
Sal: As you all know, the winner of tonight's contest becomes the bride of Zeus while the others become peasant wives
The peasant men in the audience go wild
Sal: Now, let's not waste any time and start the parade of city-states - Ladies...OF THE SOUTHERN REGION!
A group of 10 women prance on stage headed by Gabrielle
Gab: (Looking directly at the audience and beaming) My name IS Gabrielle and I AM from Potadia in Athens coun-teeeee...I love my parents, flowers and I will be attending the Royal Bard Academy next year
She recieves polite applause and is followed by the other nine
Sal: Next we have the ladies...OF THE EASTERN ISLANDS
Callisto heads out with her group of ten
Cal: I'm Callisto from Serra and I like to burn things
The crowd goes wild while the other nine contestants flee in terror
Sal: Uh...OK, now the ladies...OF THE NORTHERN TERRITORY
Pandora comes out with her box and no other contestants
Pan: I'll tell you what I told them - My name is Pandora, choose me or I'll open this box and kill us all!
The crowd boos
Sal: (Sighing) Finally, the ladies...OF THE WESTERN MAINLAND
Xena comes out in her group
In the audience, Xena's army barks with approval
Army: WOOF WOOF WOOF
Sal: (Leering at Xena's breasts) Alright, before we begin the talents...oops...I meant TALENT contest, let's introduce our celebrity panel of judges!
The judges are shown off stage in the first row
Sal: You've known him from many a war, he's the man in black waiting to attack - Ladies and gentlemen...ARES
Sal: Men worship her while women ask for beauty tips, she is one happening goddess...APHRODITE
Aphrodite politely waves
Sal: Known as Hercules' sidkick and one of few men who can wear a purple vest in public without getting beat up...IOLAUS
Iolaus flexes his muscles
Sal: He's the reason Iolaus doesn't get beat up and his Dad just happens to be the god we're holding the contest for - the man, the myth, the hair...HERCULES
Hercules sits there stone-faced
Sal: She's appeared in one of 'Tendre's spoofs before but hasn't been heard from since the late 80's, let's hear it for...CHARO
Charo blows a kiss
Gab: (Running off the stage) I want to file a complaint, Xena SLEPT with Hercules!
Sal: OH PLEASE, WHO HASN'T?
Gab: I thought we were supposed to be virgins
Sal: Yeah sure girlie!
Xena: (Overhearing Gabrielle) You almost slept with Iolaus!
Gab: ALMOST doesn't count
Iolaus (Whispering to Gabrielle) We could take care of that during the production number
Gabrielle throws Iolaus into the orchestra pit
Iolaus: (Landing in a drum) You can kiss "Miss Congeniality" goodbye lady!
Iolaus notices a beautiful lute player in the corner
Iolaus: (Smiling at her) Hey, how ya doin'...the name's Iolaus
Sal: Can we please get on with the talent competiton?
Each contestant performs
Gabrielle plays a flamenco number on her panflute
Charo: Oooh, I ehlike dat...big points for ehlittle blondie!
Pandora comes out and does a ventriloquist act with her box
Herc: Hey, that's impressive - it's hard to animate something so wooden
Iolaus: Yeah, I know
Next, Callisto sets herself on fire yet comes out unscathed
Aphrodite: She did all that without drying her skin, she's got my vote!
Xena walks out to the end of the stage and throws her chackrum inches away from the judges' heads
Ares: I think that just about says it all, don't you?
The other judges agree
Army: WOOF WOOF WOOF
Sal: Coming up next, the evening dress armor competion, but first a word from our official sponsor "Poseidon Punch" - It's not just a drink, it's an adventure!
Backstage, the contestants get their armor ready
Gab: Have you seen my armor?
Xena: You don't have any armor
Gab: That's because you're cheap and mean
Xena: Stop flattering me Gabrielle, I'm not a judge
Pan: My armor was left out in the rain to rust!
Cal: (Fake shock) You didn't pack it safely in a box?
Xena: Hey, who put honey in my breastplate?
Cal: Someone broke all of my buckles!
Everyone gets in a huge brawl
Sal: OK, I think we're going to skip the evening dress armor competition and head right to our four finalists
Xena, Callisto and Pandora assume they've won and walk up
Sal: I haven't read the names yet!
Xena: Read 'em
Sal: (Looking at his card) Xena, Callisto, Pandora...and Gabrielle
Gabrielle comes running over to the other three, hugging them and crying
Sal: Ladies, do you have any family members here in the audience?
Gab: I'd like to say "Hi" to my little sister Lilla over there - HI LILLA
Lilla reluctantly stands and flashes a middle finger at Gabrielle
Sal: How touching!
Xena: My mother is somewhere out there, love ya Mum!
Lynda Carter stands up and waves to Xena
A male voice is heard from the top row
Taurus: What about me Xena?
Xena: Oh yeah...my brother is here too
Pan: My Grandmother and namesake is in the audience...Thanks for the box you old Harpy!
Sal: And what about you Callisto?
Cal: I don't have any family members because XENA KILLED THEM ALL
Sal: We are now down to the last competition, the one you all voted to keep in a landslide, it's time for Skimpy Leather Underwear!
Army: WOOF WOOF WOOF
Pandora goes on first
Xena and Callisto see each other as the main threat
Gabrielle walks by them and they both begin to chuckle
Taking off her robe, Gabrielle reveals her washboard tummy
Xena: (Stunned) When did you get THAT?
Gab: (Strutting by) See what happens when I have new clothes to wear?
Cal: (Drooling after Gabrielle) I have a little black number you can model later
Xena: Touch her and you'll be modeling a black eye later!
Sal: Now before we pose the last question to our four finalists, let's give a nice hand to last year's Miss Peloponnesus - PRINCESS DIANA
Princess Diana comes out and does one last turn on the stage as the crowd cheers
Diana: (Waving) I want to thank all of the little people out there for making this possible...
Callisto and Pandora high five each other
Xena: What's that about?
Gab: Diana looks exactly like you...no way are they going to pick another brunette!
Sal: Time for the final question, are we ready ladies?
All four line up next to Salmoneus
Sal: An acreage of prized farmland overlaps two kingdoms, how would YOU solve the dispute?
Pan: Hey, you said no algebra!
Frustrated, Pandora leaves the stage
Gab: I would sit down with representatives from both kingdoms and work out a seasonal sharing deal...thank you
Polite applause from the audience
Xena: I'd conquer both kingdoms and take the farmland for myself
Army: WOOF WOOF WOOF
Callisto: I'd burn the farmland!
The audience hisses in approval
A drumroll begins
Sal: (Opening an envelope from the judges) The title of 96 Miss Peloponnesus and future wife of Zeus goes to...PANDORA
Pandora jumps up and down with glee
Diana places a laurel wreath on Pandora's head as Salmoneus serenades her with a Bulgarian War Chant
Gab: I can't believe she won...all because of that stupid box!
Cal: LET'S BURN IT
Xena: Let's get out of here before we become peasant wives