Convert this page to Pilot DOC Format
by Lizzy/Tendre
N10DRE2@aol.com
Lucy begins with an interview at W-U-S-S TV
Anchor: Good morning Ms. Lawless
LL: Good morning
Anchor: And welcome to "Waking Up With WUSSies"
LL: Thank you...I think
Anchor: I understand you're a huge WUSSie fan
LL: I can never get enough of the big WUSS!
Bells and horns go off in the studio because Lucy says the magic word "WUSS"
Anchor: Lucy Lawless...is that REALLY your name?
LL: Yes, yes it is
Anchor: Really?
LL: Yes
Anchor: C'mon!
LL: I'll show you my driver's license
Anchor: Well, it's a very illiterate name
LL: I think you mean "alliterative"
Anchor: Hey, we all have our accents lady!
LL: Right
Anchor: So, how do you like working on "Star Trek?"
LL: I'm on the show "Xena: Warrior Princess"
Anchor: And that's a spinoff of "Star Trek" right?
LL: Actually, it's a spinoff of "Hercules: The Legendary Adventures"
Anchor: That's a spinoff of "Baywatch" correct?
LL: No, it's an original show
Anchor: But "Baywatch" is a spinoff of "Star Trek"
LL: (Thinking for a second and submits) Yes, yes it is
Anchor: Wonderful
Lucy smiles politely
Anchor: So, you were a grape picker on the Rhine
LL: Yes, yes I was
Anchor: That must have been fun
LL: Indeed
Anchor: Good for you
Lucy smiles politely
Anchor: You were also a gold miner
LL: Yes, yes I was
Anchor: That must have been hard work
LL: Indeed
Anchor: Good for you
Lucy smiles politely
Anchor: And it also says here that you were a nun
LL: What?
Anchor: You were a nun for a number of years
LL: Um no, no I was never a nun...
Anchor: Are you sure?
LL: I've been many things in my life but never a nun, trust me on this
Anchor: But it says here on the card that you were a nun
LL: Sorry, I was never a nun, I'm sure my parents would've preferred it but I wasn't
Anchor: Are you ashamed to admit it?
LL: LOOK, I don't care WHAT your bloody card says, I was never EVER a nun...I like sex, there goes that career option, you know what I'm saying?
Anchor: What are you trying to pull Ms. Lawless?
LL: I'm not trying to pull anything, I swear it!
Anchor: On a stack of Bibles?
LL: Oh for the love of God
Anchor: OK, let's move on now
LL: Please, let's!
Anchor: So, you were also an orthopedic surgeon
LL: (Thinking for a second and submits) Yes, yes I was
Anchor: That must have been fascinating
LL: Indeed
Anchor: Good for you
Lucy smiles politely
Anchor: Thank you so much for being on "Waking Up With WUSSies"
LL: My pleasure, you WUSS
Bells and horns go off again as Lucy leaves the set
Lucy in the limo with her publicist looking at the crowd of Xena fans outside
the TV studio gates
They read the signs
Fan#1: LONG LIVE XENA
Fan#2: BE MY PRINCESS
Fan#3: LOOK HERE<
LL: What a bunch of dilly birds!
Pub: OK, I want you to get out and meet with them, smile, take some
pictures...
LL: You're as crazy as they are if you think I'm getting out of this limo
Pub: It's good PR for the show
LL: I don't care WHAT it is, I'm not getting out of this car
Pub: Yes you are
LL: Please, please don't make me go...PLEASE, I'll give you money, I'll be
your sex slave just DON'T make me go out there!
The publicist kicks Lucy out the door
Pub: And remember, be charming and try not to use any polysyllabic words
Lucy meekly walks over to the trio
LL: Hi, I'm Lucy Lawless
Fan#1: So?
LL: I'm Xena
Fan#2: Sure, you're Xena and I'm Bill Clinton!
Fan#3: I don't see any leather or a chackrum
LL: No really, I'm the actress that portrays the character of Xena
Fans: (In unison) HUH?
LL: Me Lucy, Me Xena, Lucy...Xena...Me!
Fan#1: You aint Xena
Fan#2: You look like her anemic half-sister
Fan#3: I bet she's one of them celebrity look-a-likes, the studio probably
hired her so we wouldn't see the real Xena sneak in
Fans: (In unison) YEAH
LL: For the last time, I'm really Xena!
Fan#1: The real Xena doesn't talk funny like you do
Fan#2: The real Xena rides Argo, not a limo
Fan#3: And the real Xena has bigger boobs than you
LL: (Looking down) But...
Fan#1: I think you should just get back in your limo!
Fan#2: Boo!
Fan#3: Get outta here you fake!
LL: THAT IS IT, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU DRONGOS ONCE AND FOR ALL THAT I'M REALLY
XENA
Lucy runs down the parking lot, vaults over a Buick and hurls her Ferragamo
pump at a security guard, knocking him out
Fan#1: WHOA, she really IS Xena!
Fan#2: I love you Xena, can I have your autograph?
Fan#3: Is Gabrielle in the limo too?
Lucy gets back in the car after posing for pictures with the fans
Pub: How did you do that?
LL: Jump the Buick?
Pub: No, not get a run in your hose
LL: Don't tell the producers I did this, they'll take away my stuntdouble
Pub: Your secret is safe with me
LL: Good
Pub: (Clearing the throat) I SAID your secret is safe with me
LL: Oh Hell...will you take a traveler's check?
Pub: Add a $10.00 service charge
LL: You know, I don't believe what just happened back there - Can't these
people discern fantasy from reality?
Pub: Hey, you're talking about a country that voted for Ronald Reagan as
president...TWICE
LL: Poor Renee, I've always wondered about her...
Pub: What do you mean?
LL: I thought maybe she was dropped on her head as a baby but now I
know...all Yanks are just bloody wacked!
Pub: Now remember, each wacky American equals a ratings point
LL: I just want to be able to send Daisy to a good college
Pub: And you will...once we hit the 100th episode, we'll all be living on
"Moderately Comfortable Street" for the rest of our lives
Lucy and her publicist go into an Italian restaurant in after The Rosie
O'Donnell Show
Pub: It was sure nice of Rosie to recommend this place
LL: (Unfurling a list) This is the top one she checked under "Italian" Part
VII, Subsection C
Pub: I'm very proud of you Lucy for not making any fat jokes today
LL: Do I get a star AND a happy face?
Pub: You know, having "Xena: Warrior Princess" dress up in a dog suit and
sing "Puppy Love" would NOT have helped the show's image
LL: Actually, that might have been fun
Lucy and the publicist are seated
Pub: Finally, some real food - I'm sick of "Planet Hollywood"
LL: If I eat one more bite of "Cap'n Crunch" chicken, I'm gonna toss!
Diners at another table notice her
Diner#1: Hey Xena, can I borrow your sword to cut my meat?
Diner#2: Are you hiding Gabrielle under the table?
Diner#3: YiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiBURP
LL: Well, aren't they amusing
Pub: The price of fame, sweetie, the price of fame
A waiter comes over to take their orders
Waiter: Good evening Ms. Lawless, here is a complimentary glass of wine
LL: Why thank you!
Pub: Hey Pal, I'm alive too
Waiter: Here's some ice water
Pub: Fabulous
LL: (Taking a sip) My God! - This is the exact vintage that I adore...how did
you know?
The waiter points to the official "Xenite" certificate on the wall next to
the Xena newsletter and a stack of trading cards
Waiter: Your fan club president sent them out to every restaurant in the
tri-state area
LL: Are you're kidding me?
Waiter: Could you please tell her to stop calling and faxing us now?
Lucy and her publicist discuss the Rosie show over dinner
Pub: Lucy, what was with that lavender top?
LL: It's the "in" color now
Pub: When will you learn? - With your skin tone, solids right/pastels bite!
LL: Well, I thought it was trendy
Pub: If everyone shoved a banana up their nose as the "in" thing, would you
do it?
LL: When did you become my mother?
Pub: Honey, they PAY me to be your mother, now lose that shirt!
LL: Fine, I'll just go naked to my next interview
Pub: That might pull in an audience
Lucy and her publicist return to New Zealand and the X:WP main office
Pub: (Looking out the window) Renee just pulled into the driveway
LL: QUICK - Hide all the sharp utensils!
ROC: (Barging in the door) OK, where is it?
LL: It's nice to see you too, Renee!
ROC: No games Lucy, WHERE is it?
LL: Um...
Pub: (Stepping in) So Renee, did you catch Lucy on the Rosie show?
ROC: Sure did!
Pub: And what did you think?
ROC: (Looking at Lucy) Where do you get off singin' a cowboy song in MY
country?
LL: I did it in deference to you, Darling
ROC: BULLSPIT, don't make no difference to me! - Am I on your talk shows
singin' "Waltzing Matilda?"
LL: How many times do I have to explain it to you Renee, I'M NOT A BLOODY
AUSSIE
ROC: I don't care WHAT you are, just stop stompin' on my territory!
LL: Pissing on pines again are we?
ROC: HEY...I was only 14 and it was an elm
Pub: Ladies...and I use that term loosely...please!
ROC: And what was up with that purple shirt?
LL: Oh not you too
ROC: Sugar, with your complexion, solids go/pastels blow!
LL: I suppose you're going to lecture me on shoving a banana up my nose
ROC: (Pausing for a minute) All you Kiwis are just plain wacked! - Now GIMME
GIMME GIMME
LL: (Opening up a sack) Let's see what we've got here...Ah, here you a go - a
jumbo jar of "Old El Paso" extra hot salsa...
ROC: That other stuff is made in New York City
Pub: NEW YORK CITY?
LL: (Handing Renee a shirt) AND a Dallas Cowboys home jersey...the
cheerleading outfit is mine
ROC: OH LUUUUU
An overjoyed Renee jumps up and down and smothers Lucy
LL: ALRIGHT, alright Renee, there's no need to lick
ROC: Now, where is IT?
LL: (Nervously) Why don't you try the jersey on?
ROC: WHERE IS IT LUCY?
Pub: (Running out the door) Gotta do lunch with...uh...with someone, ciao!
Lucy reluctantly hands Renee a gift
ROC: (Ripping the wrapping off) What in the HELL is this?
LL: I got you an autographed copy of Tipper Gore's book...
ROC: I ASKED YA FOR GEORGE JONES' AUTOGRAPH
LL: I'm sorry Renee, I just couldn't get to him
ROC: (Falling on the floor) OH...OH...OH MY GOD
LL: I tried really hard, I did!
ROC: (Rolling around) OHMYGOD...OHMYGOD...OHMYGOD
LL: But...but Tipper's is even BETTER, she IS the second lady of your
country!
Renee> I DON'T GIVE AN ARMADILLO'S ASS ABOUT TIPPER GORE
LL: Renee
ROC: I only asked you for ONE little deed - One ITSY BITSY request...
LL: Please
ROC: While I was down eatin' ice-cream with a bunch of snot-nosed brats and
YOU were off bein' MISS TV THANG
LL: I'll make it up to you, I promise!
ROC: All my relatives back in Texas were gonna throw me a parade 'cause I got
Ol' Possum's John Hancock, thanks to you...
LL: Nee
ROC: My co-star
LL: Nee Nee
ROC: MY FRIEND
LL: NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
ROC: AND WHAT DID YA DO?
LL: (Inaudible)
ROC: I CAN'T HEAR YA
LL: (Sobbing) I...I failed
ROC: THAT'S RIGHT - YA FAILED
LL: I'll do anything you want, I'll even wear the costume!
ROC: FORGET IT - I don't even want to breathe the same air as you right now
LL: RENEE PLEASE
ROC: (Storming out the door) And DON'T be lookin' for an invite to my
barbecue!
LL: 5...4...3...2...
ROC: (Poking her head back in) Hey Lu, the new script came down an hour
ago...wanna run lines later?
LL: Sure thing, Hon
ROC: OK, see ya
Lucy collapses on the couch in exhaustion
Lucy: Hello...WHAT? - No Mom, I was never a nun...really...I wasn't a nun, I
SWEAR!
Lizzy/Tendre
The phone rings
N10DRE2@aol.com
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