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Clveless

by Lizzy/Tendre
N10DRE2@aol.com


Yes, Alicia Silverstone is pretty cool but I think our Gabrielle has it all over her ;-)


We hear a voice-over of Gabrielle as we see her walking down a marble hall carrying tablets and scrolls

[Hey there, my name is Gabrielle.
I live in a kickin' Athenian villa with my dinar-laden Dad, Salmoneus. He's this mondo Titan of business...I'm not really sure what he does exactly but I give him huge props for raising me alone, you see, my dear Mom was eaten by a Hydra when I was just starting out in tiny togas. Life has been kinda harsh but I have my designer duds and my high school buds to keep me from going harpy. Now, there is one itsy-bitsy problemo that's been dogging me this semester. My greatest skill is my ability to talk my way into and out of anything but mean old Mr. Zamfir, my music teacher, doesn't care what I have to say and is giving me a "Delta" - Can you believe that? - I usually get straight "Alphas" - If I want to go to the Royal Academy for the Bards, I need to get that changed!]

The voice-over continues as we see Xena and Hercules making out behind the Parthenon

[That's my best friend Xena or "Xee" as I like to call her - what a total 'Dite' you know, as in "Aphrodite" - she is all that AND a bowl of figs! And that's her boyfriend Hercules, he is such a 'Donis' but he has this mega demigod complex just because his Dad is Zeus...whatever!]

Xena: Hey Gab!

Gab: Hey Xee, what's the IV-I-I?

Xena: Ohmigods, like Herc told me that Iolaus told him to tell me to tell you that he has it so going on for you!

Gab: Way?

Xena: Way!

Gab: Not even!

Xena: Yeahuh!

Gab: Nuhuh! - This is so not happening - I had this really bitchin' vision last night, in it the oracle told me that the man of my dreams would soon enter my life!

Joxer comes out from behind a column and hugs Gabrielle

Gab: (Pushing him off) AS IF

Joxer: Hey Gab, my Uncle Jason is letting me use his boat this weekend, how about you and me going on a little seaquest?

Gab: Yeah, when Icarus flies!

Joxer: I can get Mr. Zamfir to change your grade

Gab: You can do that?

Joxer: (Proudly) I have family connections

Xena: C'mon, let's bag Mr. Plato's class and hit The Agora for some ragin' new threads!

Gab: Alaia or Escada?

Xena: Nah, I pillaged them last week, how about Dolce & Gabbana?

Gab: Stellar - let's jam!

They get on Argo and leave

Gab: Xee, can I practice with the reins? - I'm taking my rider's test next week, I NEED to get my own horse!

Xena: Sure, hey Gab, did you see that new girl from Serra?

Gab: Yeah, I think her name is Callisto

Xena: Like she needs to get with the program and lose those substandard sandals!

Gab: That's it! - She will be our philanthropy project for the semester

Xena: Girl, you've got to be joking

Gab: Look, I know she's a total Gorgon now, but I think we can help her

Xena: Whoa, what a challenge, count me in

Gab: Oh no...math!

The next day
Gabrielle, Xena, Callisto and the other girls are in the gym practicing with weapons

Gab: (Going over to Callisto) Hi, I'm Gabrielle and that's Xena

Cal: Hey

Gab: So, how do you like Athens High?

Cal: It's alright I guess...tell me what do you guys do for...you know...fun?

Gab: Well, we go shopping alot and we like to have parties in our villas

Cal: Cool...but I mean, what do you DO to have fun?

Gab: That's about it, now after class, come hang with us, I'll buy the henbane

Cal: (Excited) You've got henbane here?

Gab: Like DUH...this IS Greece!

Coach: Xena, get your butt up here, it's your turn!

Xena: (Sighs) I've got this note from my personal warrior, it says I don't have to do anything which requires swords flying in my face

Gab: There goes her social life

Cal: Hey, tomorrow night, I heard about a cool harvest festival we could go to

Gab: No way - It's in Sparta

Cal: What's wrong with Sparta?

Gab: Hello? - Sparta is like in the VALLEY!

Xena: Eeewww, gross me out!

Cal: Aw c'mon guys, it might be fun

Xena: I guess I could get Herc and Iolaus to go with us

Gab: Let's do it!

Xena: YIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI

Cal: HIIIIIISSSSSS

Gab: I have GOT to get me a signature sound!

Later on
Gabrielle, Xena and Callisto are walking around the school quad

Gab: (Pointing to groups of kids) See that clan with the Arabian horses by the stables? - That's Cyrus and his Persian Mafia

Cal: He's kinda cute

Xena: Be prepared to wear 7 veils

Gab: And over there is Ares and his black leather crew...I don't think you need an explanation

Cal: (Looking at a hill) What's the deal on those guys?

Xena: Dionysian Deadheads, total loadie losers!

Gab: Stay away from them, they are so beneath you

Cal: Actually, that's what I was kinda hoping for

Xena: (Hearing trumpets) Hercules is calling me, gotta marathon!

Xena and Gabrielle embrace extra long

Gab: Bye Xee, see you in pottery class!

Cal: Hey Gab

Gab: Yeah Cal?

Cal: What up with you and Xee, I mean I heard some rumors and stuff

Gab: As if! - Just because we like to bathe together doesn't mean anything - Oh sure, we flirt with each other and toss the double entendres around quicker than a chackrum but we only do that to keep the people guessing

Cal: Way wicked!

Gab: Isn't it just so?

The next evening...
Salmoneus is a conference with his slaves at the villa

Slave: Lord Seltzer, the water sales have slipped dramatically this quarter

Sal: Contact Poseidon's people, see if he'll endorse it - If not, start one of those contests, you know, "Buy so many cases...Win a trip to Crete"

Gabrielle struts down the stairs in a slinky toga

Sal: Oh no, young lady, you march back to your room and change!

Gab: But Daddy, it's a Versace

Sal: I don't care what it is, you're not going to the festival in that

Gab: I paid 6000 dinars for it

Sal: Well, maybe if you accessorize

Gab: Daddy NO

Sal: Go get it Gab

Gab: But Daddy, that Black Wolf handbag is so last century!

Sal: Look, we've got dozens of warehouses in Asia Minor overflowing with them - you either take it or you don't go

Gab: (Stomping off) Alright already!

Gabrielle reaches the festival
Callisto, Hercules and Iolaus are gathered around the bonfire as a chorus of "Rolling With The Homer" is heard in the background

Gab: Hey

Cal: Hey

Hercules: Hey

Iolaus: Alfalfa

Cal: (Staring at the fire) Isn't it fascinating?

Gab: (Throwing her handbag in) Here's my contribution

Cal: This festival is totally weak, there's hardly any food, no wine, it's just so...

Gab: Spartan?

Iolaus: Don't worry babes, we've got it covered

Herc: BRING ON THE JUGS

Xena comes over

Gab: Perfect timing

Xena: I've got red wine, white wine, cherry wine...

Gab: (Singing) "We don't have to take our clothes off, to have a good time, oh no!"

Xena: Let's festival!

Herc: (Grabbing Xena) Hey woman

Xena: Herc, how many times have I told you? - I aint your woman!

Herc: Now don't go trippin' on me girl! - Is it that time of the month again?

Gab: With Xee, it's ALWAYS that time of the month

Iolaus: Hey Gab

Gab: Yeah Iolaus?

Iolaus: Um, I was wondering...

Gab: What?

Joxer stumbles over

Joxer: Good news Gab, I spoke with Mr. Zamfir today and he's changing your grade to an "Alpha" - You're on your way to a perfect IV.0!

Gab: (Trying to avoid him) That's great, thanks

Joxer: Now, when we go sailing this weekend, be sure to bring earplugs, we might encounter Sirens

Gab: Sirens? What'll we do?

Joxer: Usually just pull over to the right

Iolaus: You're going sailing...with HIM?

Gab: Iolaus, you don't understand...

Iolaus: Hey Cal, would you like to dance?

Cal: For sure!

They go off and dance with Herc and Xena

Gab: This is so unfair! - I get my grade changed but the man I love is off dancing with the girl I helped...MY LIFE IS SUCH A GREEK TRAGEDY


Lizzy/Tendre
N10DRE2@aol.com


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