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As in "ROCky Road," I caution everyone to the extended use of Southern
stereotypes in the following parody.
The extremely talented and beautiful Renee O'Connor, along with her "Momma,"
took a trip to Africa.
That's as far as reality goes, the rest is a result of my misfired neurons ;-)
Renee and her mother land in Tanzania where they meet up with their guide
ROC: Aint this excitin' Momma?
Mom: Let's just say this aint Texas
ROC: Momma, aint nothin' ever gonna be Texas
Mom: It's...it's s'foreign
ROC: But that's what's s'great, everything is a totally unique experience
Mom: It's an experience alright
ROC: This is nature in full glory
Mom: We coulda just gone to Disney World's "Safari Kingdom" - at least they have decent food and real toilets
ROC: Take a look out there, do ya see any two-hour lines?
Mom: Disney World don't require malaria shots!
ROC: Oh Momma, where's yer sense of adventure?
Mom: Honeychild, where's yer sense!
ROC: Ya said ya wanted a vacation
Mom: April May took her Momma to Dollywood
ROC: I DON'T WANNA HEAR ONE WORD ABOUT APRIL MAY ON THIS HERE TRIP
Mom: But ya knew dang well how much I wanted to go to Dollywood
ROC: Now why wouldya ever wanna go there?
Mom: Oh I dunno, maybe 'cause I like Dolly Parton and the U.S. State Department hasn't issued a travel advisory against it!
Guide: (Handing Renee a backpack and a pickax) Everything is all set, Ms. O'Connor
Mom: Where ya off to, Junebug?
ROC: I'se gonna run up to Mt. Kilimanjaro, I'll be back in an hour
Mom: You can't climb that thang in an hour!
ROC: (Leaving) With all the physical work I do on "Xena," I reckon I'll be back in 45 minutes
Renee returns in an hour and 10 minutes
ROC: Sorry it took me s'long, I ran into a blizzard near the top
Mom: Cotton Ball, are ya Okay?
ROC: Fine, just got m'lips a little chapped
Mom: (Trying to put Chapstick on her daughter) Hold still now!
ROC: (Pushing her away) Quit it Momma, people are watchin'
Mom: I bet they all wish their Mommas did this for them
ROC: Yeah, maybe when they was 5
Guide: (Looking down a dirt road) Here comes a messenger!
A courier on an ostrich delivers Renee a new Xena script
Mom: How'd they find ya way out here?
ROC: They don't call it "Universal" for nothin'
Renee browses through the script
ROC: OH NO, NOT AGAIN
Mom: What's wrong, Snookums?
ROC: It's another long-lost Xena relative storyline
Mom: Who does she find this time?
ROC: "Xenya," her Celtic twin sister who mellows out entire armies with her singin'
Mom: That sounds interestin'
ROC: But I wanna long-lost relative too!
Mom: I'se a sure we can find ya some back home
ROC: (Looking at a memo and sighing) The head honchos at the production company now see Gabrielle as a platinum blonde
Mom: Skeeter, if ya dye yer hair anymore, it's gonna fall out!
ROC: Then git used to callin' me "Sinead"
Mom: Well, ya already got the last name
The guide comes over
Guide: The tribal dinner and dance for well-monied tourists will begin shortly
ROC: Lemme see yer maps for a sec'
Mom: Now whaddya up to?
ROC: I be fixin' to stop that civil war in Rwanda
Guide: (Pointing) Tutsi territory is 560km that way
Mom: Tootsies? - Who they fightin', the Raisinettes?
ROC: No Momma, the "Hutus"
Mom: The who whos?
ROC: (Taking off) I'll be back for supper!
Renee returns that evening atop an elephant
Guide: Were you successful, Ms. O'Connor?
ROC: No problemo!
Mom: How'd ya do it, Buckybear?
ROC: First, I explained to them how unappetizin' it was for us Americans to be watchin' the nightly news and seein' their butchered bodies a-floatin' in Lake Victoria
Guide: And that's all it took?
ROC: Then I told their leaders that I'd furk up their satellite dishes s'bad that they'd git nothin' but 500 channels of The Nashville Network!
Mom: That's supposed to be a threat?
The next day, the trio end up in Kenya
ROC: I can't believe how great this is...I feel just like Marlin Perkins!
Mom: Now that's mighty frightenin'
Guide: Poachers are up ahead, they'll try to sell you their contraband
Several armed men approach
Mom: If we don't buy nothin', they might cook us up
ROC: Oh Momma, that's a myth
Guide: Don't worry Ma'am, the cannibals are 940km southwest of us and they're out of salt
ROC: (Addressing the hunters) Y'all should be ashamed of yerselves, killin' innocent creatures - How'd ya like yer skin to be sold as a rug?
Mom: (Looking through the assortment) Oooh Renee, this cheetah would look s'good in the entrance way!
ROC: Wrap it up, Rafiki
The next morning, they pass the Somali border
ROC: How far is Mogadishu from here?
Mom: Bless ya, Darlin'
Guide: About 75km north
ROC: (Taking off) I'll return in a little bit
Mom: Renee git back here! - Ya PROMISED not to go a-huntin' evil warlords...RENEE
Guide: (Sitting down) Cigarette?
Mom: (Pondering) Y'know...Renee used to eat cactus as a child...neighbors thought it was cute n'all but I guess I shoulda stopped her
Renee returns a few hours later with Mohammed Farrah Aidid in tow
Guide: You captured a warlord who evaded the strongest American forces?
Renee: (Proudly) I did
MFA: No, Aidid!
Mom: How did ya do that, Corn Dog?
Renee: I promised him nekked pictures of Lucy
MFA: (Clearing his throat) And?
Renee: And an autographed Houston Rockets jersey
MFA: HAKEEM THE DREAM
The next few days are spent crossing Sudan
Mom: Aint this supposed to be one of the most dangerous countries in Africa?
Guide: It's no more dangerous then some of your American cities
ROC: HEY - Now don't be dissin' m'homeland, Simba!
A pack of kids snatch a suitcase and bolt over the hill
Mom: They'se runnin' off with our stuff!
ROC: It's just one bag
Mom: The bag with our camera and yer "Naturally NASCAR" t-shirt
ROC: They can be replaced
Mom: M'new "Ricky VanShelton" was in there
ROC: Don't worry Momma, I'll buy ya another CD when we git home
Mom: And yer "Best of Jazzdance II"
Renee jumps on a Zebra and lassos the culprits
Mom: Babygirl keeps hopin' "Up With People" will call
Everyone is brought before the village elders
ROC: Look, 'cause I hog-tied the chief's son don't give'm the right to keep us here
Guide: They want you to reprise a scene from "Xena"
ROC: I aint gettin' dressed up in a leather bikini
One of the men steps forward
Man: We don't care what you look like, we just want to know about "subplots" and "character development"
ROC: Yeah, and ya wanna sell me some prime real estate in Libya
Man: Honestly Miss, we're men of the 90's, we don't make our women cover up from head to toe in black shawls...that often
ROC: (Reluctantly) Alright
Renee ends up discussing the show for several hours
ROC: (To her Mom) Wow, that was unbelievable - they really WERE interested in the storylines!
Mom: Oh git real Renee...look at 'em
ROC: (Looking at them) So?
Mom: Do you see a "Hercules" or a "Marcus" among 'em?
Mom: Do you even see a "Joxer?"
ROC: What's yer point?
Mom: C'mon Crawdad, the "sensitivity" approach is the only chance these guys will EVER have of gettin' a date with somethin' besides their hand
ROC: Oh Momma, yer s'smart!
Mom: Well, that's why I have the title of "Momma"
The last stop on the trip is Egypt
Renee and her Mom visit The Great Pyramids while the guide makes arrangements for a Nile river tour
ROC (Riding a camel along the sand dunes) This is s'cool
Mom: (Holding on in back) COOL? - M'fingernails is a-meltin'!
A group of people dressed in elaborate Egyptian costumes approach
ROC: (Looking at them) I must be dehydrated, I'm startin' to hallucinate
Mom: Ya just had to go and piss off the Egyptian gods, didn't ya?
ROC: Why do ya always assume it's m'fault?
Thunder and lightning explode all around them
ROC: (Drops to her knees) I'se s'sorry, that little ankh I "picked up" in the pharaoh's tomb - I PROMISE to take it back, just don't kill us!
Maurice White: Why would we want to kill you?
ROC: Aint y'all gods?
Verdine White: We're not gods...well, actually, we USED to be back in the 70's
ROC: (Suddenly recognizing them) "EARTH, WIND & FIRE"
Mom: What happened to "Water?"
Maurice: We're shooting our new music video but the director up an quit on us
ROC: (Nonchalantly) Well I work on a little TV show, maybe I could help y'all
Verdine: OH GREAT
Mom: Oh great
Renee ends up directing a Hip Hop version of "Let's Groove"
ROC: (Clenching her fist) I can feel that MTV Moon Man statue in m'hand right now!
Mom: Renee, calm yerself
ROC: (Climbing The Sphinx) I'SE GONNA BE ONE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY TOWER O' POWER
Mom: Ya always did have a Napoleon complex even as a little girl
ROC: I do NOT have a Napoleon complex!
Guide: (Returning) Sorry Ms. O'Connor, I couldn't get the glass bottom boat trip tickets
ROC: IMBECILE - Pourquoi est-ce que je dois faire tout moi-meme?
Mom: (To herself) I shoulda just gone to Branson
On the airplane back to New Zealand, Renee meets up with Lucy
LL: Was it a ripper O.E.?
LL: Did you have a good time?
ROC: Happier than a fly on a cowpie!
ROC: Sure did!
LL: I picked up some really great ethnic music for the show in Turkey and Amsterdam
ROC: What, no Magyar or Goidelic hymns?
LL: I've got those too...like a listen?
ROC: Later, I'se kinda tired
LL: You should be refreshed from your vacation
ROC: Hey, I climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, ended civil war in Rwanda, captured a Somali warlord, AND directed an "Earth Wind, & Fire" video - What did YOU do?
LL: Oh not much, just sailed up and down the Cote d'Azur...with the executive producer
ROC: (To herself) Next vacation, I'm takin' Momma to Branson