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ROCk the Casbah

by Lizzy/Tendre
N10DRE2@aol.com


DISCLAIMER


As in "ROCky Road," I caution everyone to the extended use of Southern stereotypes in the following parody. The extremely talented and beautiful Renee O'Connor, along with her "Momma," took a trip to Africa. That's as far as reality goes, the rest is a result of my misfired neurons ;-)
Y'all enjoy!


Renee and her mother land in Tanzania where they meet up with their guide

ROC: Aint this excitin' Momma?

Mom: Let's just say this aint Texas

ROC: Momma, aint nothin' ever gonna be Texas

Mom: It's...it's s'foreign

ROC: But that's what's s'great, everything is a totally unique experience

Mom: It's an experience alright

ROC: This is nature in full glory

Mom: We coulda just gone to Disney World's "Safari Kingdom" - at least they have decent food and real toilets

ROC: Take a look out there, do ya see any two-hour lines?

Mom: Disney World don't require malaria shots!

ROC: Oh Momma, where's yer sense of adventure?

Mom: Honeychild, where's yer sense!

ROC: Ya said ya wanted a vacation

Mom: April May took her Momma to Dollywood

ROC: I DON'T WANNA HEAR ONE WORD ABOUT APRIL MAY ON THIS HERE TRIP

Mom: But ya knew dang well how much I wanted to go to Dollywood

ROC: Now why wouldya ever wanna go there?

Mom: Oh I dunno, maybe 'cause I like Dolly Parton and the U.S. State Department hasn't issued a travel advisory against it!

Guide: (Handing Renee a backpack and a pickax) Everything is all set, Ms. O'Connor

Mom: Where ya off to, Junebug?

ROC: I'se gonna run up to Mt. Kilimanjaro, I'll be back in an hour

Mom: You can't climb that thang in an hour!

ROC: (Leaving) With all the physical work I do on "Xena," I reckon I'll be back in 45 minutes

Renee returns in an hour and 10 minutes

ROC: Sorry it took me s'long, I ran into a blizzard near the top

Mom: Cotton Ball, are ya Okay?

ROC: Fine, just got m'lips a little chapped

Mom: (Trying to put Chapstick on her daughter) Hold still now!

ROC: (Pushing her away) Quit it Momma, people are watchin'

Mom: I bet they all wish their Mommas did this for them

ROC: Yeah, maybe when they was 5

Guide: (Looking down a dirt road) Here comes a messenger!

A courier on an ostrich delivers Renee a new Xena script

Mom: How'd they find ya way out here?

ROC: They don't call it "Universal" for nothin'

Renee browses through the script

ROC: OH NO, NOT AGAIN

Mom: What's wrong, Snookums?

ROC: It's another long-lost Xena relative storyline

Mom: Who does she find this time?

ROC: "Xenya," her Celtic twin sister who mellows out entire armies with her singin'

Mom: That sounds interestin'

ROC: But I wanna long-lost relative too!

Mom: I'se a sure we can find ya some back home

ROC: (Looking at a memo and sighing) The head honchos at the production company now see Gabrielle as a platinum blonde

Mom: Skeeter, if ya dye yer hair anymore, it's gonna fall out!

ROC: Then git used to callin' me "Sinead"

Mom: Well, ya already got the last name

The guide comes over

Guide: The tribal dinner and dance for well-monied tourists will begin shortly

ROC: Lemme see yer maps for a sec'

Mom: Now whaddya up to?

ROC: I be fixin' to stop that civil war in Rwanda

Guide: (Pointing) Tutsi territory is 560km that way

Mom: Tootsies? - Who they fightin', the Raisinettes?

ROC: No Momma, the "Hutus"

Mom: The who whos?

ROC: (Taking off) I'll be back for supper!

Renee returns that evening atop an elephant

Guide: Were you successful, Ms. O'Connor?

ROC: No problemo!

Mom: How'd ya do it, Buckybear?

ROC: First, I explained to them how unappetizin' it was for us Americans to be watchin' the nightly news and seein' their butchered bodies a-floatin' in Lake Victoria

Guide: And that's all it took?

ROC: Then I told their leaders that I'd furk up their satellite dishes s'bad that they'd git nothin' but 500 channels of The Nashville Network!

Mom: That's supposed to be a threat?

The next day, the trio end up in Kenya

ROC: I can't believe how great this is...I feel just like Marlin Perkins!

Mom: Now that's mighty frightenin'

Guide: Poachers are up ahead, they'll try to sell you their contraband

Several armed men approach

Mom: If we don't buy nothin', they might cook us up

ROC: Oh Momma, that's a myth

Guide: Don't worry Ma'am, the cannibals are 940km southwest of us and they're out of salt

ROC: (Addressing the hunters) Y'all should be ashamed of yerselves, killin' innocent creatures - How'd ya like yer skin to be sold as a rug?

Mom: (Looking through the assortment) Oooh Renee, this cheetah would look s'good in the entrance way!

ROC: Wrap it up, Rafiki

The next morning, they pass the Somali border

ROC: How far is Mogadishu from here?

Mom: Bless ya, Darlin'

Guide: About 75km north

ROC: (Taking off) I'll return in a little bit

Mom: Renee git back here! - Ya PROMISED not to go a-huntin' evil warlords...RENEE

Guide: (Sitting down) Cigarette?

Mom: (Pondering) Y'know...Renee used to eat cactus as a child...neighbors thought it was cute n'all but I guess I shoulda stopped her

Renee returns a few hours later with Mohammed Farrah Aidid in tow

Guide: You captured a warlord who evaded the strongest American forces?

Renee: (Proudly) I did

MFA: No, Aidid!

Mom: How did ya do that, Corn Dog?

Renee: I promised him nekked pictures of Lucy

MFA: (Clearing his throat) And?

Renee: And an autographed Houston Rockets jersey

MFA: HAKEEM THE DREAM

The next few days are spent crossing Sudan

Mom: Aint this supposed to be one of the most dangerous countries in Africa?

Guide: It's no more dangerous then some of your American cities

ROC: HEY - Now don't be dissin' m'homeland, Simba!

A pack of kids snatch a suitcase and bolt over the hill

Mom: They'se runnin' off with our stuff!

ROC: It's just one bag

Mom: The bag with our camera and yer "Naturally NASCAR" t-shirt

ROC: They can be replaced

Mom: M'new "Ricky VanShelton" was in there

ROC: Don't worry Momma, I'll buy ya another CD when we git home

Mom: And yer "Best of Jazzdance II"

ROC: NOOOOOOO

Renee jumps on a Zebra and lassos the culprits

Guide: Jazz...dance?

Mom: Babygirl keeps hopin' "Up With People" will call

Everyone is brought before the village elders

ROC: Look, 'cause I hog-tied the chief's son don't give'm the right to keep us here

Guide: They want you to reprise a scene from "Xena"

ROC: I aint gettin' dressed up in a leather bikini

One of the men steps forward

Man: We don't care what you look like, we just want to know about "subplots" and "character development"

ROC: Yeah, and ya wanna sell me some prime real estate in Libya

Man: Honestly Miss, we're men of the 90's, we don't make our women cover up from head to toe in black shawls...that often

ROC: (Reluctantly) Alright

Renee ends up discussing the show for several hours

ROC: (To her Mom) Wow, that was unbelievable - they really WERE interested in the storylines!

Mom: Oh git real Renee...look at 'em

ROC: (Looking at them) So?

Mom: Do you see a "Hercules" or a "Marcus" among 'em?

ROC: No

Mom: Do you even see a "Joxer?"

ROC: What's yer point?

Mom: C'mon Crawdad, the "sensitivity" approach is the only chance these guys will EVER have of gettin' a date with somethin' besides their hand

ROC: Oh Momma, yer s'smart!

Mom: Well, that's why I have the title of "Momma"

The last stop on the trip is Egypt
Renee and her Mom visit The Great Pyramids while the guide makes arrangements for a Nile river tour

ROC (Riding a camel along the sand dunes) This is s'cool

Mom: (Holding on in back) COOL? - M'fingernails is a-meltin'!

A group of people dressed in elaborate Egyptian costumes approach

ROC: (Looking at them) I must be dehydrated, I'm startin' to hallucinate

Mom: Ya just had to go and piss off the Egyptian gods, didn't ya?

ROC: Why do ya always assume it's m'fault?

Thunder and lightning explode all around them

ROC: (Drops to her knees) I'se s'sorry, that little ankh I "picked up" in the pharaoh's tomb - I PROMISE to take it back, just don't kill us!

Maurice White: Why would we want to kill you?

ROC: Aint y'all gods?

Verdine White: We're not gods...well, actually, we USED to be back in the 70's

ROC: (Suddenly recognizing them) "EARTH, WIND & FIRE"

Mom: What happened to "Water?"

Maurice: We're shooting our new music video but the director up an quit on us

ROC: (Nonchalantly) Well I work on a little TV show, maybe I could help y'all

Verdine: OH GREAT

Mom: Oh great

Renee ends up directing a Hip Hop version of "Let's Groove"

ROC: (Clenching her fist) I can feel that MTV Moon Man statue in m'hand right now!

Mom: Renee, calm yerself

ROC: (Climbing The Sphinx) I'SE GONNA BE ONE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY TOWER O' POWER

Mom: Ya always did have a Napoleon complex even as a little girl

ROC: I do NOT have a Napoleon complex!

Guide: (Returning) Sorry Ms. O'Connor, I couldn't get the glass bottom boat trip tickets

ROC: IMBECILE - Pourquoi est-ce que je dois faire tout moi-meme?

Mom: (To herself) I shoulda just gone to Branson

On the airplane back to New Zealand, Renee meets up with Lucy

LL: NEE

ROC: LU

LL: Was it a ripper O.E.?

ROC: Huh?

LL: Did you have a good time?

ROC: Happier than a fly on a cowpie!

LL: Huh?

ROC: Sure did!

LL: I picked up some really great ethnic music for the show in Turkey and Amsterdam

ROC: What, no Magyar or Goidelic hymns?

LL: I've got those too...like a listen?

ROC: Later, I'se kinda tired

LL: You should be refreshed from your vacation

ROC: Hey, I climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, ended civil war in Rwanda, captured a Somali warlord, AND directed an "Earth Wind, & Fire" video - What did YOU do?

LL: Oh not much, just sailed up and down the Cote d'Azur...with the executive producer

ROC: (To herself) Next vacation, I'm takin' Momma to Branson


Lizzy/Tendre
N10DRE2@aol.com


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