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MAMA MEETS XENA
A Skit By Simahoyo, With Help From Dragon
DAY, EXTERIOR, THE RAYTOWN SHOPPING CENTER. IN A FLASH OF LIGHTNING, A PHONE BOOTH APPEARS. THE DOOR OPENS AND OUT STEPS A MAN DRESSED IN FUTURISTIC CLOTHING AND SUNGLASSES.
RUFUS: Now that I have Bill and Ted sorted out, I going to get a nice, cold Lone Star Beer. It's been centuries.
HE SAUNTERS OFF TO THE LOCAL JUKEJOINT.
SECONDS LATER, MAMA, IOLA, NAOMI AND VINTON STOP AND LOOK AT THE PHONE BOOTH. MAMA DIGS IN HER PURSE.
MAMA: I know I got me some quarters in here somewhere. Iola: You should tie in in the corner of a hankie. That way they don't all fall to the bottom. I saw it on Martha Stewart just last Wednesday. Or was it Tuesday?
VINTON: Why don't you use your phone card? You've been wanting to see how it works.
MAMA: Yer the one who wanted to use it. Vinton Harper, you are such a sucker for technology.(Digs in her purse again.) Here's that little ole card. Although I don't know why I'm calling Eunice. It's not like I really want to talk to her.
MAMA ARRANGES HER GLASSES SO SHE CAN SEE BETTER, AND READS THE CARD. MAMA: Let's see now...I dial this number(dials) Then this number(dials), then I wait for the beep, Hurry up you hunk of junk...Then I dial this number(as she dials her finger slips) Damn!
LIGHTNING STRIKES THE PHONE BOOTH. EVERYONE CROWDS IN AND CLOSES THE DOOR, SUDDENLY THEY ARE RACING THROUGH TIME. MAMA: What the hell??....
XENA, GABRIELLE, ARGO AND JOXER ARE WALKING ALONG A ROAD. GABRIELLE IS PRACTICING A STORY. JOXER IS SINGING THAT STUPID SONG. XENA IS SILENT. SHE SUDDENLY STIFFENS. GABRIELLE GETS HER STAFF AT THE READY AS XENA DRAWS HER SWORD. EVEN JOXER PULLS OUT HIS SWORD. IN A FLASH OF LIGHTNING, A HUGE BOX THUMPS TO THE GROUND. THERE ARE PEOPLE, OR MAYBE GODS INSIDE. XENA FROWNS. SHE DOESN'T LIKE GODS. XENA: This looks like some trick of the Gods.
THE DOOR POPS OPEN, AND MAMA LOOKS OUT.
MAMA: What the hell?...
GABRIELLE: What in Hades?....
THE WHOLE HARPER FAMILY, AND IOLA, COME OUT OF THE PHONE BOOTH AND STARE. XENA SHRUGS AND PUTS HER SWORD BACK IN IT'S SCABBARD. GABRIELLE RELAXES, BUT JOXER STEPS IN FRONT OF THEM, WAVING HIS SWORD. JOXER: Ha, you thought you could fool us. Well, Joxer The Mighty isn't that easy to fool. Who are you?
MAMA: Put that damn grass clipper down before you hurt somebody, son. I'm Thelma Harper, and this is my best friend, Iola. And these two knuckleheads are my son Vinton and his wife, Naomi. Now, just who are you? And why are you wearing a pasta strainer on your head? XENA: You can't talk to him like that?
MAMA(Gives Xena, "The look"-ha, and you thought Xena invented it?) Sez who? Some floozy dressed up in some leather outfit I hate to think about what goes on in your trailer park at night, and me (voice quavering) a nice old church goin' lady.?
GABRIELLE: She's not a floozy, whatever that is. She's a warrior. I've seen her fight twenty men. As for what goes on at night, that's for me to know and none of your business.
MAMA: Oh Lord. I'm being lectured by a teenager wearing less than Naomi.
I'm just glad Bubba isn't here.
VINTON(under his breath): Me too.
NAOMI JABS HIM IN THE RIBS WITH HER ELBOW.
VINTON: Ow! Skeeter, that hurt. Wanta kiss it better? BUT NAOMI IS DRAWN TO THE WARRIOR PRINCESS LIKE A MOTH TO A FLAME. SHE STALKS HER, EYES MOVING UP AND DOWN. GABRIELLE SNARLS. NAOMI IGNORES HER AND TOUCHES XENA'D BICEPS.
NAOMI: Oh, you are so strong.(she watches as Xena flexes her muscles Then she looks at Vinton.)
GABRIELLE: Get away from her.
MAMA PURSES HER LIPS, THEN SHAKES HER HEAD.
MAMA (under her breath): Lord, I hope I ain't seeing' what I'm seeing'.
IOLA: Just like on Oprah. (Fans herself) Naomi is missing the best part.
Isn't he handsome?
IOLA (gushing): The fellow with the sword. Why, he just sends my mind into a whirl.
MAMA: Really? Iola, you been looking fer a fella. Go talk to him.
MAMA: Don't go all shy on me. Talk to the man.
VINTON (To Naomi): Skeeter....(Sticks his lower lip out). What about me?
GABRIELLE: Xena, what about me, your, "best friend"? MAMA: Best friend my left foot. If they ain't shaking the bed every night like those two knuckleheads, why, I'll give up beer fer Lent. XENA: Enough! Who sent you? Was it Ares?
GABRIELLE: More like Strife.
XENA: You know, it is more his style...
MAMA: I was just trying to use my new phone card. And my finger slipped, and there was lightning, and the next thing you know, here we are. XENA AND GABRIELLE TOGETHER: Zeus???? What does he have against us? JOXER FINALLY NOTICES IOLA, WHOSE EYES ARE FIXED ON HIM IN A LOVESTRUCK GAZE.
JOXER: Joxer The Mighty at your service, ma'am. I'll protect you from hydras, bears, even the occasional cyclops.
VINTON SHRINKS AWAY FROM HIM, AND PUTS HIS ARM AROUND NAOMI, TRYING TO LOOK MANLY. JOXER SHAKES HIS HEAD. HE KNOWS THIS SITUATION WELL. HE PUTS A HAND ON VINTON"S SHOULDER.
JOXER: It's okay, pal. I don't bite. (Grinning at Iola), much.
IOLA FLUTTERS HER LASHES AND GIGGLES. JOXER PUTS THE SWORD AWAY. JOXER: Have you thought about staying? You don't seem intimated by my manly prowess at all.
IOLA: Come to think of it, I always admired the Ancient Greeks. Besides, you're cute.
JOXER GRINS FOOLISHLY.
MEANWHILE MAMA GLARES AT XENA AND GABRIELLE. THEY STEP FORWARD. MAMA SWINGS AT THEM WITH HER PURSE.
MAMA: Just get away from me, you two. I'll gather up my family and go, if I can figger out how to git that damned phone booth home. IOLA: Try redial, Thelma.
MAMA: Shoooot! Why didn't I think of that? Everybody git in here. we're a'gonin' home.
MAMA, NAOMI AND VINTON GET INTO THE PHONE BOOTH. IOLA LOOKS AT JOXER LOVINGLY. MAMA: Iola? Are you coming?
JOXER LOOKS AT IOLA PLEADINGLY. IOLA KISSES HIM SOUNDLY, AND WALKS TOWARD THE PHONE BOOTH. IOLA: Somebody has to take care of Mother.
MAMA HITS THE REDIAL BUTTON AND THE LIGHTNING STARTS AGAIN. THE PHONE BOOTH DISAPPEARS. XENA AND GABRIELLE RUB THIER EYES. JOXER LOOKS SAD. GABRIELLE: Tough old lady.
XENA: You got that right.
JOXER: Goodbye, Iola.
AS FOR MAMA AND HER FAMILY, WHO KNOWS IF THEY EVER GOT BACK TO RAYTOWN?
ALL I KNOW IS THAT RUFUS HAD TO GET ANOTHER PHONE BOOTH.