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by Lizzy/Tendre
N10DRE2@aol.com
*****
CAUTION/WARNING/MAJOR CAVEAT
The following spoof WILL be highly offensive to most of my fellow Irish-Catholics...at least the sober ones. PLEASE think twice before going any further and don't send me any e-mails about how evil I am...tell me something I don't already know! For the rest of you, ENJOY: )
Xena and Gabrielle are walking the streets of Boston
Gab: (Passing a restaurant and smelling fried clams) Ooh, Xena...
Xena: No
Gab: But we've been searching for hours, can't we get something to eat?
X: Cathbad and his clan of idiot bards must be stopped, ONCE AND FOR ALL
Gab: They only do it because they love us
Xena: Then why don't they buy the furkin' merchandise and leave us alone?
Gab: Well, for some people, our juice tumbler is just too expensive
Xena and Gabrielle freeze in their tracks as a strange wailing noise is heard
Gab: What's that sound?
Xena: (Unsheathing her sword) I think its Harpy mating season, be on guard
Gab: (Pointing to the end of the street) Look!
A drum and bagpipe corps marches by The crowd, gathered to watch the St. Patrick's Day Parade, cheers wildly
Gab: This looks like fun, let's join them!
Xena: I don't think we'll be welcomed there
Gab: And when it this NOT the case?
Xena and Gabrielle carefully mingle into the crowd and watch the proceedings
Gab: (Staring at the bagpipes) I think they're trying to kill those things in their arms
Xena: It's probably the humane thing to do
Gab: (Mimicking the drum major with her staff) I like this rhythm
Xena: Not bad, but I prefer our Bulgarian War Chants
Gab: (Whispering) Xena, why are those guys wearing skirts?
Xena: Well, there could be a few reasons
An old man standing next to them overhears
Old man: They're called "kilts," young lady
Gab: Who'd they kill?
The old man laughs Gabrielle looks at Xena Xena shrugs
Gab: (To the old man) Tell me, what do they wear under them?
The old man lifts the kilt of a passing drummer
Xena: (Covering Gabrielle's eyes) I think that answers that question
Xena notices the old man's club
Xena: (Unimpressed) Cute stick!
Old man: (Indignant) It's NOT a stick, it's a SHILLELAGH
Xena: You guys always have to name it, don't you?
Old man: (Looking at Xena's chackrum) What's up with that kitchen utensil of yours?
Xena: (Borderline rage) It's NOT a kitchen utensil, it's a CHACKRUM
Old man: Bless you!
Gab: Xena's chackrum is a weapon and an occasional eel chopper
Old man: Weapon, you say? - HA - My shillelagh is a REAL weapon
Xena: If you say so
Old man: My shillelagh cracked the skulls of over a hundred enemies!
Xena: My chackrum decapitated the heads of over a thousand enemies!
Old man: My shillelagh is carved from the strongest blackthorn and is inlaid with the finest emeralds!
Xena: My chackrum is forged from the strongest of...of...
Xena looks at Gabrielle Gabrielle shrugs
Xena: My chackrum is forged from the strongest of metals and is inlaid with the finest New Zealand Paua!
Old man: My shillelagh is over 12 inches in length!
Xena: My chackrum is over 1200 grams in weight!
Old man: Grams?
Xena: Go take a metrics class
Gab: (Sighing) How much longer?
Old man: My shillelagh has given pleasure to more than few women!
Xena puts her arm around Gabrielle and walks away
Xena: (Calling back) I don't need a tool for that!
Old Man: (Calling after) Who the Hell do you think you are, one of the "Chieftains?"
A trio of women come running over to Xena and Gabrielle
W#1: (Staring at Xena) I don't believe my eyes!
W#2: (Staring at Gabrielle) Could it possibly be?
W#3: IT'S MORRIGU AND BRIGHID COME BACK TO SAVE US
All three drop to their knees
W#1,2,3: (Unison) We'll do whatever you want
Gab: (Clearing them out with her staff) Go away, I saw her first!
Suddenly, Xena runs her sword through a man in the crowd
Gab: WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
Xena: Look at his shirt
Gab: Xena, it says "KISS Me, I'm Irish!" - "KISS" - Not "KILL"
Xena: Oh
Gab: We have GOT to get you some glasses
Xena: NEVER
Gab: There's nothing wrong with glasses
Xena: "Xena: Four-Eyed Princess" - Wouldn't THAT be intimidating?
Gab: Actually, it would
Xena: No, Gabrielle
Gab: What if we found frames to match your armor?
Xena: (Decking a guy) No
Gab: Now, what was THAT for?
Xena: He pinched me!
Gab: (Frustrated) Once again, YOU get all the action and I get NOTHING
Xena: Ahem
Gab: You don't count
Xena pinches Gabrielle really hard
Gab: YOU COUNT, YOU COUNT
Xena gets pinched again and decks another guy
Xena: This is getting tiresome
Gabrielle looks around at the people, at Xena and then herself
Gab: I think I know what's wrong...I'll be right back!
Gabrielle takes off and returns
Gab: (Giving something to Xena) Here
Xena takes the headband with two sparkling green shamrocks protruding out
Xena: And just what am I supposed to do with THIS?
Gab: Wear it
Xena: Not funny, Gabrielle!
Gab: Xena, everyone else, BUT YOU, is wearing green - it's some kind of bizarre custom - you'll get pinched if you don't
Xena: I'll take my chances
Gab: Xena, please
Xena: (Sighing) Alright
Xena starts to put it around her neck Gabrielle grabs it and places it right
Gab: It's SUPPOSED to go on your head
Xena: I'D RATHER WEAR GLASSES
Gab: LOOK, it was either THIS or a button about Erin and her bra!
Xena: (Keeping it on her head) Very well
They pass by a jewelry vending booth Gabrielle stops to look
Gab: (Picking up a silver ring) HOW CUTE - Xena, look at the little hands holding the heart with a crown on top
Xena: Fascinating
Vendor: It's called a "claddagh" - a ring of friendship...and love!
Gab: AWWWWW
Xena: No
Gab: (Pleading) Xena!
Xena: No
Gab: (Angry) Xena!
Xena: No
Gab: (Seductive) Xena!
Xena: How much?
Vendor: $40.00 and for an additional $10.00, I'll carve your initials in the heart for you
Xena: That's OK, I can do it myself
Vendor: Are you sure? - Some of the letters can be...
Xena pulls out her dagger and holds it up
Vendor: That'll be $40.00 even!
Xena slams down some dinars and goes off with a skipping Gabrielle The vendor looks at the dinars
Vendor: What kind of malarkey is the U.S. Mint up to NOW? - First the Susan B. Anthony, then the new $100.00 bill and now THIS?
Xena and Gabrielle pass a food court
Xena: (Stopping) I'm hungry, let's get something
Gab: Oh, now that YOU'RE hungry, we can get something!
Xena: Who's the one holding the sword?
Gab: (Rolling her eyes) Why does it always have to be about your sword?
Xena: Don't answer a question with a question - WHO'S holding the sword?
Gab: You
Xena: And who's holding the dinars?
Gab: You
Xena: Who has the leverage?
Gab: Yeah, but who can SPELL leverage?
A few minutes later, Xena and Gabrielle sit at a table with their food
Gab: (Chewing) Mmm, this soda bread is good...not as good as nutbread...but NOTHING is as good as nutbread
Xena: (Dowing her 4th shot of Irish whiskey) Now THIS has made the day worth it
Gab: (Pointing to Xena's plate of corned beef and cabbage) You haven't even touched your meal - it looks delicious!
Xena: Looks can be deceiving
Gab: Ooh, big, brave warrior princess scared of a little meat!
Xena: I'M NOT SCARED
Gab: ARE TOO SCARED
Xena: NOT SCARED
Gab: SCARED
Xena defiantly takes a big bite and forces a smile
Gab: See, was that so bad?
Xena turns her head and spits it out, knocking off 2/3rds of the Hogan clan A man across the table looks at Gabrielle's plate
Man: Nice potatoes!
Xena reaches over and puts "the points" on him
Xena: I've just shut off the flow of blood to your "Blarney Stones" - Apologize to her, or you'll be the last of your line!
Man: (To Gab before he passes out) Sorry!
Musicians begin to play around them
Gab: Hey, maybe I should get my panflute and join in
Xena: I'm sure they'd LOVE that
Gab: (Listening to the Gaelic lyrics) I wonder what they're saying?
Xena: Too bad my slave girl wasn't here to interpret for us
Gab: DON'T YOU EVER BRING HER UP IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN
Xena: We were just...
Gab: I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT
Xena: Gabrielle
Gab: (Throwing her hand at Xena) HERE, CARVE OUR INITIALS INTO THIS RING, RIGHT NOW
Xena: (Carving) OK, OK
Two besotted men approach Gabrielle
S: Hey Clancey, would you get a look at this?
C: Saints preserve us, Seamus!
S: So you see it too?
Xena and Gabrielle look at each other quizzically
C: (Getting right in Gabrielle's face) Short...wearing a green outfit...red hair and funny-looking ears...IT'S A LEPRECHAUN
S: TAKE US TO YOUR POT O'GOLD
Xena throws both men across the street Gabrielle runs over to them and sticks her tongue out
Gab: (Leaving) THAT'S for the "funny-looking ears" crack!
Everyone gathers and starts to dance a jig Gabrielle joins in
Gab: C'mon Xena, this is fun!
Xena: No
Gab: Killjoy!
Xena: I've killed many in my life...no one with the name "Joy"
Gab: (Dragging Xena over) Just one dance
Xena: Fine
Xena starts to jig and inadvertently boots someone into The Old North Church steeple
Panic breaks out in the streets
Everyone: THE BRITISH ARE COMING, THE BRITISH ARE COMING...CALL GERRY ADAMS
Xena: NOW do you see why I don't like to dance?
In the chaos, someone spills green beer all over Gabrielle
Gab: OH NO
Xena: It's not like it's going to stain
Gab: I can't walk around like this!
Xena: Why, everyone else is?
Gab: They're not walking, they're STAGGERING
Xena: YOU AND YOUR WORDS - WHEN WILL IT END?
Xena and Gabrielle avoid the crowd by ducking into a cathedral
Gab: Look at all of these beautiful statues and candles and stained glass windows!
Xena: (Grabbing a bowl of Holy Water and chugging it) Yeah
Gab: This must be a temple
Bishop Maloney comes over to them
BM: Temple Beth-El is down the street, this is The House of the Lord
Gab: (To Xena) If this is his house, can you imagine his castle?
Xena: And just who is this Lord?
BM: The Lord Almighty
Gab: What's his kingdom?
BM: The Kingdom of Heaven
Gab: Heaven...heaven...nope, never heard of it
Xena: Is it near Atticus?
BM: (Smelling the booze) I take it you two have been honoring Saint Patrick today...come with me for a minute
Xena and Gabrielle sit with him in a pew
BM: (Kneeling) Care to join me in the Lord's Prayer?
Gab: This lord has his own prayer? - He sure thinks highly of himself!
Xena: I kneel for no one!
Gabrielle winks at Xena
Xena: Most of the time
Bishop Maloney begins
BM: "Our father..."
Xena: (To Gab) I don't know my father
BM: "Who art in Heaven..."
Gab: (To Xena) There's that "Heaven" place again
BM: "Hallowed be thy name..."
Xena: (To Gab) What a strange name
Gab: (To Xena) I bet he was teased in school
BM: "Thy Kingdom come..."
Gab: (To Xena) A little demanding, wouldn't you say?
BM: "Thy will be done..."
Xena: (To Gab) Already have been
BM: "On Earth as it is in Heaven..."
Gab: (To Xena) OK, we have GOT to go to this place!
BM: "Give us this day our daily bread..."
Gab: (To Xena) I hope it's nutbread
BM: "And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us..."
Gab: (To Xena) What did he just say?
Xena: (To Gab) I thought big words were YOUR specialty, Miss Know-It-All
BM: "Lead us not into temptation..."
Xena: (To Gab) That's your job!
BM: "And deliver us from evil..."
Gab: (To Xena) That's your job!
BM: "Amen"
X&G: (Unison) EEEWWW
Bishop Maloney gets up
BM: If you two will excuse me, I need discuss mass matters with Father Ryan and Father O'Connor
Gab: (To Xena) For some reason, they sound like good guys
Xena: JESUS CHRIST
BM: I BEG your pardon?
Xena: (Pointing to cross) That's Jesus!
Gab: Ohmygods, you're right!
BM: You know of Jesus, BUT, you don't know of Jesus?
Xena: We met him in the desert
Gab: A really nice man
Xena: Not much fun at parties, though
Gab: He DID change that water into wine
Xena: That was very cool
Gab: What's he doing on that cross?
BM: Paying for our sins
Xena: (Muttering) Been there, done that
Gabrielle and Bishop Maloney swap stories Xena wanders off and heads for the altar Snooping around, she stumbles across the Sacrament
Xena: YUM
Xena starts drinking the wine and popping hosts in her mouth
Xena: Not bad
Bishop Maloney shrieks in horror and runs over
BM: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Xena: Just getting a little snack
BM: (Grabbing the chalice away from her) These AREN'T cookies and punch!
Xena: You can say that again
BM: (Wiping his forehead) I...I...need to lie down now - I'm sending Sister Mary Astrea Nanaea Celtica Ban Cu over to take care of you
Gab: Bye, Daddy!
Bishop Maloney runs off
Xena: What's his trauma?
Gab: I don't think he was too please about you eating Jesus like that
Xena: HUH?
Gab: You were eating his flesh and blood
Xena: WAS NOT - Now, these weren't "cookies and punch" but they DEFINITELY weren't flesh and blood either - Believe me, I KNOW
Gab: (Covering her mouth) This whole thing is sick, it was bad enough when I found out Jesus sits on his father's right hand, I think we should just go!
Xena: You're right, the crowd should be gone by now
Gabrielle walks in a zig zag
Xena: What are you doing?
Gabrielle: (Looking up at the cross) He keeps following me with his eyes
Xena: Look somewhere else
Gab: LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE? - HE'S 20 FEET IN THE AIR AND THE WHOLE BUILDING IS CONSTRUCTED AROUND HIM...WHERE ELSE SHOULD I LOOK?
Xena flaunts her bosom in front of Gabrielle
Gab: Xena, we're in a house of worship!
Xena: That's never stopped you before!
As they reach the door, a booming voice stops them Even Xena is scared
Sis: AND JUST WHERE DO YOU TWO THINK YOU'RE GOING?
Sister Mary hovers over and blocks the door She spins her head around in disapproval at Gabrielle's outfit
Gab: It wasn't my fault, someone spilled green beer on me
Sis: It's not the beer I'm having a problem with - Honestly, child, that's the most hideous garment I've ever seen - You're taking this "Blessed be the poor" business a little too far!
Gab: I know it's kinda raggy but...
Gabrielle throws up her hand
Gab: DON'T YOU JUST LOVE MY RING?
Sis: You'd think the man who gave you this nice ring could give you some nice clothes!
Gab: Yeah, Xena
Xena: You're lucky you got the ring
Sis: WHAT ARE YOU TWO SAYING?
Gab: (Nuzzling Xena) SHE gave me the ring
The cathedral starts to shake
Sis: (Grabbing Gab) YOU'RE COMING WITH ME
Xena goes after Sister Mary but is pinned against the wall by a firestorm
Sis: (Pointing at a charred warrior princess) AS FOR YOU...GET IN THAT CONFESSIONAL, RIGHT NOW
Sister Mary takes Gabrielle over to the school and gives her a uniform to wear
Gab: (Scratching her wool blazer and looking down at her saddle shoes) Why am I being punished?
Sis: (Holding a ruler) I don't want to hear one more word from you!
Gab: OK
Sis: WHAT?
Gab: Technically, that wasn't a word, it was an interjection
Sis: Are ya sassing me back, Missy?
Gab: I didn't touch your back
WHACK
Gab: OW
Sis: A few weeks in our school and we'll take care of that mouth of yours!
Gab: Don't bother, I just went to the dentist - Look, no cavities!
WHACK
Gab: OWWW
Sis: I don't know what kind of heathen Mother and Father raised you but I shall pray to the Lord to have mercy on their pathetic souls!
Gab: What's wrong with my parents' shoes?
WHACK
Gab: OWWWWWWWW - That is SOOO it!
Gabrielle takes her staff and snaps Sister Mary's ruler in half
Gab: (Leaving) You're not the ONLY one who knows how to use a stick
Meanwhile, Xena sits in a confessional booth
Xena: (Banging on the wall) HEY, is anyone here?
Priest: Yes?
Xena: Alright, what do I do?
Priest: Why don't you start with, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned..."
Xena: (Lunging at the screen) ARES, ARE YOU IN THERE?
Priest: Please hurry it up, my dear, Ted Kennedy is due at any moment and I want to be out of here before The Ascension
Xena: Right
Priest: What have you done?
Xena: Killed people
Priest: And
Xena: Burned villages
Priest: OK
Xena: Stole what didn't belong to me
Priest: Fine...now, were any of the men you killed Catholic?
Xena: I don't think so
Priest: Were any of the Houses of the Lord burned down in those villages?
Xena: No
Priest: Did you offer alms from the things you stole?
Xena: I dropped a bag of dinars in the church coffer
Priest: Great, say 10 "Our Fathers" and 10 "Hail Marys" and you're absolved of all your sins...NEXT!
Xena: Father, wait, I'm not done!
Priest: (Bored) What else?
Xena: Apparently, I'm living in sin with my friend
Priest: (Perking up) You mean that irritating little blonde?
Xena: Strawberry blonde
Priest: (Excited) And what kind of...SIN...would that be?
Xena: (Blushing) You know...S-I-N
Priest: JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH, CHILD, GET SPECIFIC
Xena: Is that REALLY necessary?
Priest: The Lord may work in mysterious ways but he doesn't read minds, if He did, this whole planet would've exploded ages ago - NOW GIMME DETAILS
Xena: (Leaving) You're one sick Father!
Xena grabs Gabrielle out of the bingo parlor and they start to run
Gab: (Holding up some Rosary Beads) Hey Xena, look at what I won!
Xena: Very nice, LET'S GO
Gab: What about Cathbad and his clan of idiot bards?
Xena: Another time
Priest: (Chasing after them) WAIT, COME BACK, it's been a slow week and all of the altar boys are on retreat!
Lizzy/Tendre
N10DRE2@aol.com
