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Kill Me, I'm Irish!

by Lizzy/Tendre
N10DRE2@aol.com


***** CAUTION/WARNING/MAJOR CAVEAT

The following spoof WILL be highly offensive to most of my fellow Irish-Catholics...at least the sober ones. PLEASE think twice before going any further and don't send me any e-mails about how evil I am...tell me something I don't already know! For the rest of you, ENJOY: )

Xena and Gabrielle are walking the streets of Boston

Gab: (Passing a restaurant and smelling fried clams) Ooh, Xena...

Xena: No

Gab: But we've been searching for hours, can't we get something to eat?

X: Cathbad and his clan of idiot bards must be stopped, ONCE AND FOR ALL

Gab: They only do it because they love us

Xena: Then why don't they buy the furkin' merchandise and leave us alone?

Gab: Well, for some people, our juice tumbler is just too expensive

Xena and Gabrielle freeze in their tracks as a strange wailing noise is heard

Gab: What's that sound?

Xena: (Unsheathing her sword) I think its Harpy mating season, be on guard

Gab: (Pointing to the end of the street) Look!

A drum and bagpipe corps marches by The crowd, gathered to watch the St. Patrick's Day Parade, cheers wildly

Gab: This looks like fun, let's join them!

Xena: I don't think we'll be welcomed there

Gab: And when it this NOT the case?

Xena and Gabrielle carefully mingle into the crowd and watch the proceedings

Gab: (Staring at the bagpipes) I think they're trying to kill those things in their arms

Xena: It's probably the humane thing to do

Gab: (Mimicking the drum major with her staff) I like this rhythm

Xena: Not bad, but I prefer our Bulgarian War Chants

Gab: (Whispering) Xena, why are those guys wearing skirts?

Xena: Well, there could be a few reasons

An old man standing next to them overhears

Old man: They're called "kilts," young lady

Gab: Who'd they kill?

The old man laughs Gabrielle looks at Xena Xena shrugs

Gab: (To the old man) Tell me, what do they wear under them?

The old man lifts the kilt of a passing drummer

Xena: (Covering Gabrielle's eyes) I think that answers that question

Xena notices the old man's club

Xena: (Unimpressed) Cute stick!

Old man: (Indignant) It's NOT a stick, it's a SHILLELAGH

Xena: You guys always have to name it, don't you?

Old man: (Looking at Xena's chackrum) What's up with that kitchen utensil of yours?

Xena: (Borderline rage) It's NOT a kitchen utensil, it's a CHACKRUM

Old man: Bless you!

Gab: Xena's chackrum is a weapon and an occasional eel chopper

Old man: Weapon, you say? - HA - My shillelagh is a REAL weapon

Xena: If you say so

Old man: My shillelagh cracked the skulls of over a hundred enemies!

Xena: My chackrum decapitated the heads of over a thousand enemies!

Old man: My shillelagh is carved from the strongest blackthorn and is inlaid with the finest emeralds!

Xena: My chackrum is forged from the strongest of...of...

Xena looks at Gabrielle Gabrielle shrugs

Xena: My chackrum is forged from the strongest of metals and is inlaid with the finest New Zealand Paua!

Old man: My shillelagh is over 12 inches in length!

Xena: My chackrum is over 1200 grams in weight!

Old man: Grams?

Xena: Go take a metrics class

Gab: (Sighing) How much longer?

Old man: My shillelagh has given pleasure to more than few women!

Xena puts her arm around Gabrielle and walks away

Xena: (Calling back) I don't need a tool for that!

Old Man: (Calling after) Who the Hell do you think you are, one of the "Chieftains?"

A trio of women come running over to Xena and Gabrielle

W#1: (Staring at Xena) I don't believe my eyes!

W#2: (Staring at Gabrielle) Could it possibly be?

W#3: IT'S MORRIGU AND BRIGHID COME BACK TO SAVE US

All three drop to their knees

W#1,2,3: (Unison) We'll do whatever you want

Gab: (Clearing them out with her staff) Go away, I saw her first!

Suddenly, Xena runs her sword through a man in the crowd

Gab: WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

Xena: Look at his shirt

Gab: Xena, it says "KISS Me, I'm Irish!" - "KISS" - Not "KILL"

Xena: Oh

Gab: We have GOT to get you some glasses

Xena: NEVER

Gab: There's nothing wrong with glasses

Xena: "Xena: Four-Eyed Princess" - Wouldn't THAT be intimidating?

Gab: Actually, it would

Xena: No, Gabrielle

Gab: What if we found frames to match your armor?

Xena: (Decking a guy) No

Gab: Now, what was THAT for?

Xena: He pinched me!

Gab: (Frustrated) Once again, YOU get all the action and I get NOTHING

Xena: Ahem

Gab: You don't count

Xena pinches Gabrielle really hard

Gab: YOU COUNT, YOU COUNT

Xena gets pinched again and decks another guy

Xena: This is getting tiresome

Gabrielle looks around at the people, at Xena and then herself

Gab: I think I know what's wrong...I'll be right back!

Gabrielle takes off and returns

Gab: (Giving something to Xena) Here

Xena takes the headband with two sparkling green shamrocks protruding out

Xena: And just what am I supposed to do with THIS?

Gab: Wear it

Xena: Not funny, Gabrielle!

Gab: Xena, everyone else, BUT YOU, is wearing green - it's some kind of bizarre custom - you'll get pinched if you don't

Xena: I'll take my chances

Gab: Xena, please

Xena: (Sighing) Alright

Xena starts to put it around her neck Gabrielle grabs it and places it right

Gab: It's SUPPOSED to go on your head

Xena: I'D RATHER WEAR GLASSES

Gab: LOOK, it was either THIS or a button about Erin and her bra!

Xena: (Keeping it on her head) Very well

They pass by a jewelry vending booth Gabrielle stops to look

Gab: (Picking up a silver ring) HOW CUTE - Xena, look at the little hands holding the heart with a crown on top

Xena: Fascinating

Vendor: It's called a "claddagh" - a ring of friendship...and love!

Gab: AWWWWW

Xena: No

Gab: (Pleading) Xena!

Xena: No

Gab: (Angry) Xena!

Xena: No

Gab: (Seductive) Xena!

Xena: How much?

Vendor: $40.00 and for an additional $10.00, I'll carve your initials in the heart for you

Xena: That's OK, I can do it myself

Vendor: Are you sure? - Some of the letters can be...

Xena pulls out her dagger and holds it up

Vendor: That'll be $40.00 even!

Xena slams down some dinars and goes off with a skipping Gabrielle The vendor looks at the dinars

Vendor: What kind of malarkey is the U.S. Mint up to NOW? - First the Susan B. Anthony, then the new $100.00 bill and now THIS?

Xena and Gabrielle pass a food court

Xena: (Stopping) I'm hungry, let's get something

Gab: Oh, now that YOU'RE hungry, we can get something!

Xena: Who's the one holding the sword?

Gab: (Rolling her eyes) Why does it always have to be about your sword?

Xena: Don't answer a question with a question - WHO'S holding the sword?

Gab: You

Xena: And who's holding the dinars?

Gab: You

Xena: Who has the leverage?

Gab: Yeah, but who can SPELL leverage?

A few minutes later, Xena and Gabrielle sit at a table with their food

Gab: (Chewing) Mmm, this soda bread is good...not as good as nutbread...but NOTHING is as good as nutbread

Xena: (Dowing her 4th shot of Irish whiskey) Now THIS has made the day worth it

Gab: (Pointing to Xena's plate of corned beef and cabbage) You haven't even touched your meal - it looks delicious!

Xena: Looks can be deceiving

Gab: Ooh, big, brave warrior princess scared of a little meat!

Xena: I'M NOT SCARED

Gab: ARE TOO SCARED

Xena: NOT SCARED

Gab: SCARED

Xena defiantly takes a big bite and forces a smile

Gab: See, was that so bad?

Xena turns her head and spits it out, knocking off 2/3rds of the Hogan clan A man across the table looks at Gabrielle's plate

Man: Nice potatoes!

Xena reaches over and puts "the points" on him

Xena: I've just shut off the flow of blood to your "Blarney Stones" - Apologize to her, or you'll be the last of your line!

Man: (To Gab before he passes out) Sorry!

Musicians begin to play around them

Gab: Hey, maybe I should get my panflute and join in

Xena: I'm sure they'd LOVE that

Gab: (Listening to the Gaelic lyrics) I wonder what they're saying?

Xena: Too bad my slave girl wasn't here to interpret for us

Gab: DON'T YOU EVER BRING HER UP IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN

Xena: We were just...

Gab: I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT

Xena: Gabrielle

Gab: (Throwing her hand at Xena) HERE, CARVE OUR INITIALS INTO THIS RING, RIGHT NOW

Xena: (Carving) OK, OK

Two besotted men approach Gabrielle

S: Hey Clancey, would you get a look at this?

C: Saints preserve us, Seamus!

S: So you see it too?

Xena and Gabrielle look at each other quizzically

C: (Getting right in Gabrielle's face) Short...wearing a green outfit...red hair and funny-looking ears...IT'S A LEPRECHAUN

S: TAKE US TO YOUR POT O'GOLD

Xena throws both men across the street Gabrielle runs over to them and sticks her tongue out

Gab: (Leaving) THAT'S for the "funny-looking ears" crack!

Everyone gathers and starts to dance a jig Gabrielle joins in

Gab: C'mon Xena, this is fun!

Xena: No

Gab: Killjoy!

Xena: I've killed many in my life...no one with the name "Joy"

Gab: (Dragging Xena over) Just one dance

Xena: Fine

Xena starts to jig and inadvertently boots someone into The Old North Church steeple

Panic breaks out in the streets

Everyone: THE BRITISH ARE COMING, THE BRITISH ARE COMING...CALL GERRY ADAMS

Xena: NOW do you see why I don't like to dance?

In the chaos, someone spills green beer all over Gabrielle

Gab: OH NO

Xena: It's not like it's going to stain

Gab: I can't walk around like this!

Xena: Why, everyone else is?

Gab: They're not walking, they're STAGGERING

Xena: YOU AND YOUR WORDS - WHEN WILL IT END?

Xena and Gabrielle avoid the crowd by ducking into a cathedral

Gab: Look at all of these beautiful statues and candles and stained glass windows!

Xena: (Grabbing a bowl of Holy Water and chugging it) Yeah

Gab: This must be a temple

Bishop Maloney comes over to them

BM: Temple Beth-El is down the street, this is The House of the Lord

Gab: (To Xena) If this is his house, can you imagine his castle?

Xena: And just who is this Lord?

BM: The Lord Almighty

Gab: What's his kingdom?

BM: The Kingdom of Heaven

Gab: Heaven...heaven...nope, never heard of it

Xena: Is it near Atticus?

BM: (Smelling the booze) I take it you two have been honoring Saint Patrick today...come with me for a minute

Xena and Gabrielle sit with him in a pew

BM: (Kneeling) Care to join me in the Lord's Prayer?

Gab: This lord has his own prayer? - He sure thinks highly of himself!

Xena: I kneel for no one!

Gabrielle winks at Xena

Xena: Most of the time

Bishop Maloney begins

BM: "Our father..."

Xena: (To Gab) I don't know my father

BM: "Who art in Heaven..."

Gab: (To Xena) There's that "Heaven" place again

BM: "Hallowed be thy name..."

Xena: (To Gab) What a strange name

Gab: (To Xena) I bet he was teased in school

BM: "Thy Kingdom come..."

Gab: (To Xena) A little demanding, wouldn't you say?

BM: "Thy will be done..."

Xena: (To Gab) Already have been

BM: "On Earth as it is in Heaven..."

Gab: (To Xena) OK, we have GOT to go to this place!

BM: "Give us this day our daily bread..."

Gab: (To Xena) I hope it's nutbread

BM: "And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us..."

Gab: (To Xena) What did he just say?

Xena: (To Gab) I thought big words were YOUR specialty, Miss Know-It-All

BM: "Lead us not into temptation..."

Xena: (To Gab) That's your job!

BM: "And deliver us from evil..."

Gab: (To Xena) That's your job!

BM: "Amen"

X&G: (Unison) EEEWWW

Bishop Maloney gets up

BM: If you two will excuse me, I need discuss mass matters with Father Ryan and Father O'Connor

Gab: (To Xena) For some reason, they sound like good guys

Xena: JESUS CHRIST

BM: I BEG your pardon?

Xena: (Pointing to cross) That's Jesus!

Gab: Ohmygods, you're right!

BM: You know of Jesus, BUT, you don't know of Jesus?

Xena: We met him in the desert

Gab: A really nice man

Xena: Not much fun at parties, though

Gab: He DID change that water into wine

Xena: That was very cool

Gab: What's he doing on that cross?

BM: Paying for our sins

Xena: (Muttering) Been there, done that

Gabrielle and Bishop Maloney swap stories Xena wanders off and heads for the altar Snooping around, she stumbles across the Sacrament

Xena: YUM

Xena starts drinking the wine and popping hosts in her mouth

Xena: Not bad

Bishop Maloney shrieks in horror and runs over

BM: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Xena: Just getting a little snack

BM: (Grabbing the chalice away from her) These AREN'T cookies and punch!

Xena: You can say that again

BM: (Wiping his forehead) I...I...need to lie down now - I'm sending Sister Mary Astrea Nanaea Celtica Ban Cu over to take care of you

Gab: Bye, Daddy!

Bishop Maloney runs off

Xena: What's his trauma?

Gab: I don't think he was too please about you eating Jesus like that

Xena: HUH?

Gab: You were eating his flesh and blood

Xena: WAS NOT - Now, these weren't "cookies and punch" but they DEFINITELY weren't flesh and blood either - Believe me, I KNOW

Gab: (Covering her mouth) This whole thing is sick, it was bad enough when I found out Jesus sits on his father's right hand, I think we should just go!

Xena: You're right, the crowd should be gone by now

Gabrielle walks in a zig zag

Xena: What are you doing?

Gabrielle: (Looking up at the cross) He keeps following me with his eyes

Xena: Look somewhere else

Gab: LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE? - HE'S 20 FEET IN THE AIR AND THE WHOLE BUILDING IS CONSTRUCTED AROUND HIM...WHERE ELSE SHOULD I LOOK?

Xena flaunts her bosom in front of Gabrielle

Gab: Xena, we're in a house of worship!

Xena: That's never stopped you before!

As they reach the door, a booming voice stops them Even Xena is scared

Sis: AND JUST WHERE DO YOU TWO THINK YOU'RE GOING?

Sister Mary hovers over and blocks the door She spins her head around in disapproval at Gabrielle's outfit

Gab: It wasn't my fault, someone spilled green beer on me

Sis: It's not the beer I'm having a problem with - Honestly, child, that's the most hideous garment I've ever seen - You're taking this "Blessed be the poor" business a little too far!

Gab: I know it's kinda raggy but...

Gabrielle throws up her hand

Gab: DON'T YOU JUST LOVE MY RING?

Sis: You'd think the man who gave you this nice ring could give you some nice clothes!

Gab: Yeah, Xena

Xena: You're lucky you got the ring

Sis: WHAT ARE YOU TWO SAYING?

Gab: (Nuzzling Xena) SHE gave me the ring

The cathedral starts to shake

Sis: (Grabbing Gab) YOU'RE COMING WITH ME

Xena goes after Sister Mary but is pinned against the wall by a firestorm

Sis: (Pointing at a charred warrior princess) AS FOR YOU...GET IN THAT CONFESSIONAL, RIGHT NOW

Sister Mary takes Gabrielle over to the school and gives her a uniform to wear

Gab: (Scratching her wool blazer and looking down at her saddle shoes) Why am I being punished?

Sis: (Holding a ruler) I don't want to hear one more word from you!

Gab: OK

Sis: WHAT?

Gab: Technically, that wasn't a word, it was an interjection

Sis: Are ya sassing me back, Missy?

Gab: I didn't touch your back

WHACK

Gab: OW

Sis: A few weeks in our school and we'll take care of that mouth of yours!

Gab: Don't bother, I just went to the dentist - Look, no cavities!

WHACK

Gab: OWWW

Sis: I don't know what kind of heathen Mother and Father raised you but I shall pray to the Lord to have mercy on their pathetic souls!

Gab: What's wrong with my parents' shoes?

WHACK

Gab: OWWWWWWWW - That is SOOO it!

Gabrielle takes her staff and snaps Sister Mary's ruler in half

Gab: (Leaving) You're not the ONLY one who knows how to use a stick

Meanwhile, Xena sits in a confessional booth

Xena: (Banging on the wall) HEY, is anyone here?

Priest: Yes?

Xena: Alright, what do I do?

Priest: Why don't you start with, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned..."

Xena: (Lunging at the screen) ARES, ARE YOU IN THERE?

Priest: Please hurry it up, my dear, Ted Kennedy is due at any moment and I want to be out of here before The Ascension

Xena: Right

Priest: What have you done?

Xena: Killed people

Priest: And

Xena: Burned villages

Priest: OK

Xena: Stole what didn't belong to me

Priest: Fine...now, were any of the men you killed Catholic?

Xena: I don't think so

Priest: Were any of the Houses of the Lord burned down in those villages?

Xena: No

Priest: Did you offer alms from the things you stole?

Xena: I dropped a bag of dinars in the church coffer

Priest: Great, say 10 "Our Fathers" and 10 "Hail Marys" and you're absolved of all your sins...NEXT!

Xena: Father, wait, I'm not done!

Priest: (Bored) What else?

Xena: Apparently, I'm living in sin with my friend

Priest: (Perking up) You mean that irritating little blonde?

Xena: Strawberry blonde

Priest: (Excited) And what kind of...SIN...would that be?

Xena: (Blushing) You know...S-I-N

Priest: JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH, CHILD, GET SPECIFIC

Xena: Is that REALLY necessary?

Priest: The Lord may work in mysterious ways but he doesn't read minds, if He did, this whole planet would've exploded ages ago - NOW GIMME DETAILS

Xena: (Leaving) You're one sick Father!

Xena grabs Gabrielle out of the bingo parlor and they start to run

Gab: (Holding up some Rosary Beads) Hey Xena, look at what I won!

Xena: Very nice, LET'S GO

Gab: What about Cathbad and his clan of idiot bards?

Xena: Another time

Priest: (Chasing after them) WAIT, COME BACK, it's been a slow week and all of the altar boys are on retreat!


Lizzy/Tendre
N10DRE2@aol.com


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