Convert this page to Pilot DOC Format
***** CAUTION/WARNING/MAJOR CAVEAT
The following spoof WILL be highly offensive to most of my fellow Irish-Catholics...at least the sober ones. PLEASE think twice before going any further and don't send me any e-mails about how evil I am...tell me something I don't already know! For the rest of you, ENJOY: )
Xena and Gabrielle are walking the streets of Boston
Gab: (Passing a restaurant and smelling fried clams) Ooh, Xena...
Gab: But we've been searching for hours, can't we get something to eat?
X: Cathbad and his clan of idiot bards must be stopped, ONCE AND FOR ALL
Gab: They only do it because they love us
Xena: Then why don't they buy the furkin' merchandise and leave us alone?
Gab: Well, for some people, our juice tumbler is just too expensive
Xena and Gabrielle freeze in their tracks as a strange wailing noise is heard
Gab: What's that sound?
Xena: (Unsheathing her sword) I think its Harpy mating season, be on guard
Gab: (Pointing to the end of the street) Look!
A drum and bagpipe corps marches by The crowd, gathered to watch the St. Patrick's Day Parade, cheers wildly
Gab: This looks like fun, let's join them!
Xena: I don't think we'll be welcomed there
Gab: And when it this NOT the case?
Xena and Gabrielle carefully mingle into the crowd and watch the proceedings
Gab: (Staring at the bagpipes) I think they're trying to kill those things in their arms
Xena: It's probably the humane thing to do
Gab: (Mimicking the drum major with her staff) I like this rhythm
Xena: Not bad, but I prefer our Bulgarian War Chants
Gab: (Whispering) Xena, why are those guys wearing skirts?
Xena: Well, there could be a few reasons
An old man standing next to them overhears
Old man: They're called "kilts," young lady
Gab: Who'd they kill?
The old man laughs Gabrielle looks at Xena Xena shrugs
Gab: (To the old man) Tell me, what do they wear under them?
The old man lifts the kilt of a passing drummer
Xena: (Covering Gabrielle's eyes) I think that answers that question
Xena notices the old man's club
Xena: (Unimpressed) Cute stick!
Old man: (Indignant) It's NOT a stick, it's a SHILLELAGH
Xena: You guys always have to name it, don't you?
Old man: (Looking at Xena's chackrum) What's up with that kitchen utensil of yours?
Xena: (Borderline rage) It's NOT a kitchen utensil, it's a CHACKRUM
Old man: Bless you!
Gab: Xena's chackrum is a weapon and an occasional eel chopper
Old man: Weapon, you say? - HA - My shillelagh is a REAL weapon
Xena: If you say so
Old man: My shillelagh cracked the skulls of over a hundred enemies!
Xena: My chackrum decapitated the heads of over a thousand enemies!
Old man: My shillelagh is carved from the strongest blackthorn and is inlaid with the finest emeralds!
Xena: My chackrum is forged from the strongest of...of...
Xena looks at Gabrielle Gabrielle shrugs
Xena: My chackrum is forged from the strongest of metals and is inlaid with the finest New Zealand Paua!
Old man: My shillelagh is over 12 inches in length!
Xena: My chackrum is over 1200 grams in weight!
Old man: Grams?
Xena: Go take a metrics class
Gab: (Sighing) How much longer?
Old man: My shillelagh has given pleasure to more than few women!
Xena puts her arm around Gabrielle and walks away
Xena: (Calling back) I don't need a tool for that!
Old Man: (Calling after) Who the Hell do you think you are, one of the "Chieftains?"
A trio of women come running over to Xena and Gabrielle
W#1: (Staring at Xena) I don't believe my eyes!
W#2: (Staring at Gabrielle) Could it possibly be?
W#3: IT'S MORRIGU AND BRIGHID COME BACK TO SAVE US
All three drop to their knees
W#1,2,3: (Unison) We'll do whatever you want
Gab: (Clearing them out with her staff) Go away, I saw her first!
Suddenly, Xena runs her sword through a man in the crowd
Gab: WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
Xena: Look at his shirt
Gab: Xena, it says "KISS Me, I'm Irish!" - "KISS" - Not "KILL"
Gab: We have GOT to get you some glasses
Gab: There's nothing wrong with glasses
Xena: "Xena: Four-Eyed Princess" - Wouldn't THAT be intimidating?
Gab: Actually, it would
Xena: No, Gabrielle
Gab: What if we found frames to match your armor?
Xena: (Decking a guy) No
Gab: Now, what was THAT for?
Xena: He pinched me!
Gab: (Frustrated) Once again, YOU get all the action and I get NOTHING
Gab: You don't count
Xena pinches Gabrielle really hard
Gab: YOU COUNT, YOU COUNT
Xena gets pinched again and decks another guy
Xena: This is getting tiresome
Gabrielle looks around at the people, at Xena and then herself
Gab: I think I know what's wrong...I'll be right back!
Gabrielle takes off and returns
Gab: (Giving something to Xena) Here
Xena takes the headband with two sparkling green shamrocks protruding out
Xena: And just what am I supposed to do with THIS?
Gab: Wear it
Xena: Not funny, Gabrielle!
Gab: Xena, everyone else, BUT YOU, is wearing green - it's some kind of bizarre custom - you'll get pinched if you don't
Xena: I'll take my chances
Gab: Xena, please
Xena: (Sighing) Alright
Xena starts to put it around her neck Gabrielle grabs it and places it right
Gab: It's SUPPOSED to go on your head
Xena: I'D RATHER WEAR GLASSES
Gab: LOOK, it was either THIS or a button about Erin and her bra!
Xena: (Keeping it on her head) Very well
They pass by a jewelry vending booth Gabrielle stops to look
Gab: (Picking up a silver ring) HOW CUTE - Xena, look at the little hands holding the heart with a crown on top
Vendor: It's called a "claddagh" - a ring of friendship...and love!
Gab: (Pleading) Xena!
Gab: (Angry) Xena!
Gab: (Seductive) Xena!
Xena: How much?
Vendor: $40.00 and for an additional $10.00, I'll carve your initials in the heart for you
Xena: That's OK, I can do it myself
Vendor: Are you sure? - Some of the letters can be...
Xena pulls out her dagger and holds it up
Vendor: That'll be $40.00 even!
Xena slams down some dinars and goes off with a skipping Gabrielle The vendor looks at the dinars
Vendor: What kind of malarkey is the U.S. Mint up to NOW? - First the Susan B. Anthony, then the new $100.00 bill and now THIS?
Xena and Gabrielle pass a food court
Xena: (Stopping) I'm hungry, let's get something
Gab: Oh, now that YOU'RE hungry, we can get something!
Xena: Who's the one holding the sword?
Gab: (Rolling her eyes) Why does it always have to be about your sword?
Xena: Don't answer a question with a question - WHO'S holding the sword?
Xena: And who's holding the dinars?
Xena: Who has the leverage?
Gab: Yeah, but who can SPELL leverage?
A few minutes later, Xena and Gabrielle sit at a table with their food
Gab: (Chewing) Mmm, this soda bread is good...not as good as nutbread...but NOTHING is as good as nutbread
Xena: (Dowing her 4th shot of Irish whiskey) Now THIS has made the day worth it
Gab: (Pointing to Xena's plate of corned beef and cabbage) You haven't even touched your meal - it looks delicious!
Xena: Looks can be deceiving
Gab: Ooh, big, brave warrior princess scared of a little meat!
Xena: I'M NOT SCARED
Gab: ARE TOO SCARED
Xena: NOT SCARED
Xena defiantly takes a big bite and forces a smile
Gab: See, was that so bad?
Xena turns her head and spits it out, knocking off 2/3rds of the Hogan clan A man across the table looks at Gabrielle's plate
Man: Nice potatoes!
Xena reaches over and puts "the points" on him
Xena: I've just shut off the flow of blood to your "Blarney Stones" - Apologize to her, or you'll be the last of your line!
Man: (To Gab before he passes out) Sorry!
Musicians begin to play around them
Gab: Hey, maybe I should get my panflute and join in
Xena: I'm sure they'd LOVE that
Gab: (Listening to the Gaelic lyrics) I wonder what they're saying?
Xena: Too bad my slave girl wasn't here to interpret for us
Gab: DON'T YOU EVER BRING HER UP IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN
Xena: We were just...
Gab: I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT
Gab: (Throwing her hand at Xena) HERE, CARVE OUR INITIALS INTO THIS RING, RIGHT NOW
Xena: (Carving) OK, OK
Two besotted men approach Gabrielle
S: Hey Clancey, would you get a look at this?
C: Saints preserve us, Seamus!
S: So you see it too?
Xena and Gabrielle look at each other quizzically
C: (Getting right in Gabrielle's face) Short...wearing a green outfit...red hair and funny-looking ears...IT'S A LEPRECHAUN
S: TAKE US TO YOUR POT O'GOLD
Xena throws both men across the street Gabrielle runs over to them and sticks her tongue out
Gab: (Leaving) THAT'S for the "funny-looking ears" crack!
Everyone gathers and starts to dance a jig Gabrielle joins in
Gab: C'mon Xena, this is fun!
Xena: I've killed many in my life...no one with the name "Joy"
Gab: (Dragging Xena over) Just one dance
Xena starts to jig and inadvertently boots someone into The Old North Church steeple
Panic breaks out in the streets
Everyone: THE BRITISH ARE COMING, THE BRITISH ARE COMING...CALL GERRY ADAMS
Xena: NOW do you see why I don't like to dance?
In the chaos, someone spills green beer all over Gabrielle
Gab: OH NO
Xena: It's not like it's going to stain
Gab: I can't walk around like this!
Xena: Why, everyone else is?
Gab: They're not walking, they're STAGGERING
Xena: YOU AND YOUR WORDS - WHEN WILL IT END?
Xena and Gabrielle avoid the crowd by ducking into a cathedral
Gab: Look at all of these beautiful statues and candles and stained glass windows!
Xena: (Grabbing a bowl of Holy Water and chugging it) Yeah
Gab: This must be a temple
Bishop Maloney comes over to them
BM: Temple Beth-El is down the street, this is The House of the Lord
Gab: (To Xena) If this is his house, can you imagine his castle?
Xena: And just who is this Lord?
BM: The Lord Almighty
Gab: What's his kingdom?
BM: The Kingdom of Heaven
Gab: Heaven...heaven...nope, never heard of it
Xena: Is it near Atticus?
BM: (Smelling the booze) I take it you two have been honoring Saint Patrick today...come with me for a minute
Xena and Gabrielle sit with him in a pew
BM: (Kneeling) Care to join me in the Lord's Prayer?
Gab: This lord has his own prayer? - He sure thinks highly of himself!
Xena: I kneel for no one!
Gabrielle winks at Xena
Xena: Most of the time
Bishop Maloney begins
BM: "Our father..."
Xena: (To Gab) I don't know my father
BM: "Who art in Heaven..."
Gab: (To Xena) There's that "Heaven" place again
BM: "Hallowed be thy name..."
Xena: (To Gab) What a strange name
Gab: (To Xena) I bet he was teased in school
BM: "Thy Kingdom come..."
Gab: (To Xena) A little demanding, wouldn't you say?
BM: "Thy will be done..."
Xena: (To Gab) Already have been
BM: "On Earth as it is in Heaven..."
Gab: (To Xena) OK, we have GOT to go to this place!
BM: "Give us this day our daily bread..."
Gab: (To Xena) I hope it's nutbread
BM: "And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us..."
Gab: (To Xena) What did he just say?
Xena: (To Gab) I thought big words were YOUR specialty, Miss Know-It-All
BM: "Lead us not into temptation..."
Xena: (To Gab) That's your job!
BM: "And deliver us from evil..."
Gab: (To Xena) That's your job!
X&G: (Unison) EEEWWW
Bishop Maloney gets up
BM: If you two will excuse me, I need discuss mass matters with Father Ryan and Father O'Connor
Gab: (To Xena) For some reason, they sound like good guys
Xena: JESUS CHRIST
BM: I BEG your pardon?
Xena: (Pointing to cross) That's Jesus!
Gab: Ohmygods, you're right!
BM: You know of Jesus, BUT, you don't know of Jesus?
Xena: We met him in the desert
Gab: A really nice man
Xena: Not much fun at parties, though
Gab: He DID change that water into wine
Xena: That was very cool
Gab: What's he doing on that cross?
BM: Paying for our sins
Xena: (Muttering) Been there, done that
Gabrielle and Bishop Maloney swap stories Xena wanders off and heads for the altar Snooping around, she stumbles across the Sacrament
Xena starts drinking the wine and popping hosts in her mouth
Xena: Not bad
Bishop Maloney shrieks in horror and runs over
BM: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Xena: Just getting a little snack
BM: (Grabbing the chalice away from her) These AREN'T cookies and punch!
Xena: You can say that again
BM: (Wiping his forehead) I...I...need to lie down now - I'm sending Sister Mary Astrea Nanaea Celtica Ban Cu over to take care of you
Gab: Bye, Daddy!
Bishop Maloney runs off
Xena: What's his trauma?
Gab: I don't think he was too please about you eating Jesus like that
Gab: You were eating his flesh and blood
Xena: WAS NOT - Now, these weren't "cookies and punch" but they DEFINITELY weren't flesh and blood either - Believe me, I KNOW
Gab: (Covering her mouth) This whole thing is sick, it was bad enough when I found out Jesus sits on his father's right hand, I think we should just go!
Xena: You're right, the crowd should be gone by now
Gabrielle walks in a zig zag
Xena: What are you doing?
Gabrielle: (Looking up at the cross) He keeps following me with his eyes
Xena: Look somewhere else
Gab: LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE? - HE'S 20 FEET IN THE AIR AND THE WHOLE BUILDING IS CONSTRUCTED AROUND HIM...WHERE ELSE SHOULD I LOOK?
Xena flaunts her bosom in front of Gabrielle
Gab: Xena, we're in a house of worship!
Xena: That's never stopped you before!
As they reach the door, a booming voice stops them Even Xena is scared
Sis: AND JUST WHERE DO YOU TWO THINK YOU'RE GOING?
Sister Mary hovers over and blocks the door She spins her head around in disapproval at Gabrielle's outfit
Gab: It wasn't my fault, someone spilled green beer on me
Sis: It's not the beer I'm having a problem with - Honestly, child, that's the most hideous garment I've ever seen - You're taking this "Blessed be the poor" business a little too far!
Gab: I know it's kinda raggy but...
Gabrielle throws up her hand
Gab: DON'T YOU JUST LOVE MY RING?
Sis: You'd think the man who gave you this nice ring could give you some nice clothes!
Gab: Yeah, Xena
Xena: You're lucky you got the ring
Sis: WHAT ARE YOU TWO SAYING?
Gab: (Nuzzling Xena) SHE gave me the ring
The cathedral starts to shake
Sis: (Grabbing Gab) YOU'RE COMING WITH ME
Xena goes after Sister Mary but is pinned against the wall by a firestorm
Sis: (Pointing at a charred warrior princess) AS FOR YOU...GET IN THAT CONFESSIONAL, RIGHT NOW
Sister Mary takes Gabrielle over to the school and gives her a uniform to wear
Gab: (Scratching her wool blazer and looking down at her saddle shoes) Why am I being punished?
Sis: (Holding a ruler) I don't want to hear one more word from you!
Gab: Technically, that wasn't a word, it was an interjection
Sis: Are ya sassing me back, Missy?
Gab: I didn't touch your back
Sis: A few weeks in our school and we'll take care of that mouth of yours!
Gab: Don't bother, I just went to the dentist - Look, no cavities!
Sis: I don't know what kind of heathen Mother and Father raised you but I shall pray to the Lord to have mercy on their pathetic souls!
Gab: What's wrong with my parents' shoes?
Gab: OWWWWWWWW - That is SOOO it!
Gabrielle takes her staff and snaps Sister Mary's ruler in half
Gab: (Leaving) You're not the ONLY one who knows how to use a stick
Meanwhile, Xena sits in a confessional booth
Xena: (Banging on the wall) HEY, is anyone here?
Xena: Alright, what do I do?
Priest: Why don't you start with, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned..."
Xena: (Lunging at the screen) ARES, ARE YOU IN THERE?
Priest: Please hurry it up, my dear, Ted Kennedy is due at any moment and I want to be out of here before The Ascension
Priest: What have you done?
Xena: Killed people
Xena: Burned villages
Xena: Stole what didn't belong to me
Priest: Fine...now, were any of the men you killed Catholic?
Xena: I don't think so
Priest: Were any of the Houses of the Lord burned down in those villages?
Priest: Did you offer alms from the things you stole?
Xena: I dropped a bag of dinars in the church coffer
Priest: Great, say 10 "Our Fathers" and 10 "Hail Marys" and you're absolved of all your sins...NEXT!
Xena: Father, wait, I'm not done!
Priest: (Bored) What else?
Xena: Apparently, I'm living in sin with my friend
Priest: (Perking up) You mean that irritating little blonde?
Xena: Strawberry blonde
Priest: (Excited) And what kind of...SIN...would that be?
Xena: (Blushing) You know...S-I-N
Priest: JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH, CHILD, GET SPECIFIC
Xena: Is that REALLY necessary?
Priest: The Lord may work in mysterious ways but he doesn't read minds, if He did, this whole planet would've exploded ages ago - NOW GIMME DETAILS
Xena: (Leaving) You're one sick Father!
Xena grabs Gabrielle out of the bingo parlor and they start to run
Gab: (Holding up some Rosary Beads) Hey Xena, look at what I won!
Xena: Very nice, LET'S GO
Gab: What about Cathbad and his clan of idiot bards?
Xena: Another time
Priest: (Chasing after them) WAIT, COME BACK, it's been a slow week and all of the altar boys are on retreat!