The Incident

Disclaimer: This sketch is not intended to poke fun at Ms Lawless in any way shape or form. Xena meets Lucy and they discuss The Incident.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Lucy Lawless sits on the sofa, flipping channels. She's wearing a ratty bathrobe, bunny slippers and a scowl.

Worthless tripe. Seems to me if a person's up at this ungodly hour they need entertainment, not infomercials.

She pauses on a program dedicated to a product no human could possibly use and picks up the phone.

I think I need one of those...

Suddenly, the door opens and in walk XENA and GABRIELLE.

Hello, Lucy.

Xena! What the bloody hell are you doing here? No one is ever supposed to see us together. It's part of our mystique!

Told you she'd be mad.

Yeah, like that scares me. Having an actress mad at me. Brrr.

Lucy turns away, and begins to flip channels again.

I don't know why you're here, but you may as well leave me alone. I don't feel like talking to anyone.

Where's Rob?

He's visiting his mum. Chances are she's trying to talk him out of dating an actress again.

I take it she saw 'the incident'?

Did anyone miss it?

I sorta did. Don't have cable. But I've seen Xena's, so no biggie.

Xena is transfixed on the TV, watching another infomercial.

That's amazing. Guaranteed to get any spot out of leather or your dinars back!

The gods be praised, how do I bargain for this?

You don't. You make a call and give them your credit card number and they send it to you. No bargaining, no trading, just simple commerce.

I bet they'd be willing to trade for a bardly tale if it was the right story.

(to Lucy)

You should hear her version of Odysseus' homecoming.

Don't you mean Ulysses?

Never heard of him. Anyway, she tells it really good. Worth at least a couple containers of that leather stuff.

(to Gabrielle)

Use Lucy's plastic talking machine and start telling them the story, Gabrielle. I want that liquid miracle in a bottle.

Will do!

Lucy shuts off the TV and turns to Xena while Gabrielle picks up the portable phone.

So why *are* you here?

You've been pretty quiet lately. You were on ET every night during your hiatus -- then you sing at a stick-waving ice festival and suddenly you disappear.

Just wondered why.

Duh, Xena. My costume fell off.

So?

So??? It was during the American National Anthem!

And this is important why?

It just is, okay? I made a bloody fool out of myself. And I didn't even sing as good as I can. Now everyone is gonna hate me and my career is over. I knew it was too good to last.

I see. So you don't get to play me on TV anymore, is that it? You were fired?

No, of course not.

Then what's the problem?

Everyone is laughing at me. Saying nasty things about me. That I did it on purpose. Or that my breasts aren't big enough or that I have no taste in clothing or--

Did you choose that outfit?

Well, no, but I went along with it, didn't I?

(wistfully)

Skin sells...

ANGLE ON

GABRIELLE as she talks on the phone animatedly.

(into phone)

...lashed to the mast, he could hear the Sirens singing! 'They're singing for me!' he exclaimed! Desperately he tried to...

BACK TO SCENE

So tell me. Are you ashamed of your body?

No. I've worked hard to keep in shape. Don't eat all the really tasty things, have to keep my weight down. I jog, and the hours on the set are long. I have to look good, it's part of my job.

And thanks for that, by the way. If you don't look good, I don't look good. (off Lucy's look) Vidallis told me that one.

Uh huh.

I guess I just don't understand what all the fuss is about. Did people not know you were female?

Of course they did.

And they were aware you had breasts? With nipples and everything?

(wryly)

That's the usual arrangement, yes.

ANGLE ON GABRIELLE

...pulled the bow, straining for all he was worth with the lovely Penelope, wide-eyed, watching the peasant who would be king...

BACK TO SCENE

And this anthem. It's a song of celebration?

Yes. Of America. This is where the TV show comes from, actually. We film it in New Zealand, but it's an American show. With a huge American audience.

I see. So accidentally proving that you're female while singing about America is considered bad enough to bar you from the country.

No, it's just that--

Did you also scratch your crotch and spit?

Of course not! Roseanne did that and you should have heard the fuss!

And she obviously had her career taken away for it.

Well, no, actually her series ran for a long time after that.

ANGLE ON GABRIELLE

...sure, I'll hold.

(beat)

...Billy, don't be a hero, don't be a fool with your lii-ii-ife... Billy don't be a hero come back and make me your wii-ii-ife...

BACK TO SCENE

Lucy, why don't you just laugh about it?

I'd like to, believe me. I don't care that people saw my breast. What's the big deal? But they care. So I have to treat it seriously or they'll think I really did do it on purpose. Or that I'm dishonoring their country or something.

And obviously, now that they've seen your breast, no one will watch the show.

Actually, a lot more will probably tune in.

That's bad, right?

No, that's good.

So the bad part is that people who maybe didn't know about you, or the show, will suddenly know who you are, right?

Well... that would be good, too...

ANGLE ON GABRIELLE

...so I went to the desert on a horse with no name. It felt good to get out of the rain. Singing nah nah nah nah nah -- oh hello! So what did your manager say? Uh huh, I see. Well, then you'll simply have to refund my story. ...I thought so... it's a deal. Thanks!

 Gabrielle hangs up the phone and runs to Xena.

I did it! I got us four bottles coming on some horse named Federal Express. They'll get here day after tomorrow.

(smiling proudly)

Thank you, Gabrielle. I had faith in you. Always do.

So that subtext stuff that Renee and I stick in whether the scripts have it or not -- that's real?

Bet your last dinar it is.

You should see what we do between scenes.

I've read the fanfic. I can figure it out.

Those fanfic writers never get it right. Don't they realize how acrobatic I am? And I have so much more stamina.

If they wrote it like it really is, nobody would believe them. By the gods, I barely believe you myself sometimes, Xena!

Well, as fascinating as all this is, I suppose I should get some sleep.

Hang on. Gabrielle, why don't you get the polish and paint her toenails while I give her a rubdown. I think Lucy needs some pampering.

Good idea.

Smiling, Lucy flicks on the TV. The American flag waves across the screen to the tune of the Star Spangled Banner.

...what so proudly we hailed... at the twilight's last gleaming...

Gods, but I love your voice.

Me too.

Here, let me get into the mood.

With a big smile and a saucy wink, she lowers her robe, baring her left breast and continues to sing as we:

FADE OUT.

THE END