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XENA VS HOCKEY’S DEAD THINGS
By: Mil Toro
In honour of Lucy’s Red Wings and my Philadelphia Flyers.
Warning - This skit was written in the spirit of the old cliche "I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out." There is lots of violence, this is a hockey game after all, and some subtext between Xena and Gabrielle but no sex, this is a hockey game, after all.
It is Spring and the Ancient Hockey Tournament for the Lord Stanleus Mead Cup is in full swing on the Alconian Lake. After several interminable preliminary rounds, the final game features our favourite Warrior Princess and her team, Xena’s Amazons vs Delphi’s Dead Things. The final game is scoreless and it’s now sudden death overtime but since the Dead Things can’t be killed, the first one to score wins.
Xena’s Amazons consists of Xena (centre), Gabrielle (right wing), Callisto (left wing), Ephiny (defenceman), Solare (defenceman) and Joxer (goalie). Salmoneus is the Coach. The team is standing around waiting for the referee, Ares, to drop the puck. Xena clears her throat to sing a song before the overtime period begins.
JOXER - Hey Xena, are you gonna sing the National Anthem again? You’re only supposed to sing it before the start of the game. You’ve sung it every period now.
XENA - So? It’s my team and I can do what I want. (Xena starts singing "Oh say can you see?.....")
JOXER - Hey! My brother owns this team and besides, Joxer the Mighty is a much better song. (he starts singing "Joxer, the Mi------------.")
EPHINY - Just shut and play! (she whacks a two-handed cross check at his nose with her stick)
JOXER - <<ow!>> Ares!
GABRIELLE - Xena, why don’t you sing something from Sappho’s Greatest Hits.
XENA - (Xena stops singing, her face lights up as she smiles at Gabrielle) Okay, (she starts singing "Yes I am....I am your passion, your promise, your end.....").
CALLISTO - (rolls her eyes) Can we get on with the game.
GABRIELLE - (glares at Callisto, smiles dreamily at Xena) No, let her finish.
XENA - (still singing) "Yes I am.....yes I am"
Xena finishes her song and Ares drops the puck. Xena wins the draw and passes the puck to Gabrielle who gets hammered by a Dead Thing and crashes with a thud to the ice. Xena immediately catapults into a somersault and lands atop the Dead Thing as her blades slice into his chest. The puck squirts away.
XENA - KILL ‘EM ALL!!! (she backhands two Dead Things with her stick while she guards Gabrielle who is prone on the ice. She retrieves the puck while Ephiny and Solare trip up the other Dead Things).
GABRIELLE - Relax, Xena, it’s only a game.
XENA - This is WAR! Gabrielle. What did you expect?!
GABRIELLE - A nice peaceful Sunday afternoon game, Xena. What did you expect? (She struggles to get up off the ice)
XENA - Are you all right? (Xena helps Gabrielle up and takes her in her arms and kisses her)
Callisto skates by and uses her stick to knock both women to the ice. Xena and Gabrielle’s lips never break contact as they roll around on the ice in a passionate embrace. Ares steps in.
ARES - All right, ladies, break it up!
JOXER - Yeah, so we can make like hockey and get the puck out of here! <<OW!>>
SOLARE - Just shut and play! (she whacks a two-handed cross check at his nose with her stick)
JOXER - Hey Ares! Aren’t you going referee and call any penalties?
ARES - For Zeus’ sake, she’s your teammate!
JOXER - Oh yeah, (mutters) but if she were a Dead Thing, I bet he wouldn’t have called it.
Ares drops the puck and this time the Dead Things win the face off and one player whistles a shot towards Joxer. He cowers and raises his stick, accidentally deflecting the puck into the corner.
JOXER - Nah nah nah nah nah! <<OW!>>
CALLISTO - Just shut and play! (she whacks a two-handed cross check at his nose with her stick)
Gabrielle and Xena skate to the corner fighting off the Dead Things for the loose puck. One Dead Thing raises his stick to smash Gabrielle from behind. Xena skates over just in time and flings her chakram so that it slices into each Dead Thing and severs their heads.
CALLISTO - Oops!
XENA’S AMAZONS IN UNISON - RELAX, XENA! IT’S ONLY A GAME!!!
ARES - Xena! You know you can’t kill the Dead Things! This is a warning, the next severed head and you’re in the penalty box!
Play is stopped while Salmoneus retrieves the five dead heads and since the Dead Things can’t be killed, each player’s head grows back.
SALMONEUS - Oh proud Warrioress! (lowers his voice) We need you in this game. Can you please watch your temper?
XENA - (rolls her eyes) Yeah right (she skates over to Ares and smiles demurely, batting her eyelashes) I’m sorry Ares, it won’t happen again.
GABRIELLE - Xena! Making him happy will NOT make me happy.
XENA - What? Oh, I’m so sorry, Gabrielle, I wanna make you happy so it’ll make me happy. (she sweeps Gabrielle off her feet and heads toward the bench)
GABRIELLE - Xena, I don’t mean right now. The game, remember?
XENA - Oh yeah. (she puts Gabrielle down)
Ares drops the puck again and a Dead Thing takes a wicked shot at Joxer standing in front of the goalmouth. Xena skates over and stretches horizontally leaving her feet to catch the puck between her teeth saving the puck from going into the goal. She drops the puck to her stick blade and shoots a pass to Gabrielle streaking up the right sideline. Callisto parallels her breakaway along the left sideline. It’s two skaters against none as Solare and Ephiny knock all the other five Dead Things to the ice.
CALLISTO - Here comes trouble! (Gabrielle glances over, ignores her and shoots the puck at the goal)
Xena takes out her whip and aims it at Callisto taking her feet out from under her, then she skates up ice just in time to bury the rebound past a dazed Dead Thing goalie.
Xena’s Amazons - 1
Delphi’s Dead Things - 0
Joxer’s nose breaks - 3
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