Greece: A Musical Parody

Disclaimer: This is a parody of the musical Grease, which was written and copyrighted by Jim Jacobs and Warren Casey. The characters Xena, Gabrielle, Argo, Callisto, Ephiny, Cyrene, Argo, and all others mentioned by name are the property of MCA/Universal. There is no intention to perform or to profit from this parody.

Warning: Subtext ahead.

Scene 1: Lights come up upon dancers and singers dressed as villagers and as raiders. The dance consists at first of a run and pursuit ballet and develops into a chorus line dance with each raider partnering with a villager.

Raiders: I saw you running from me down a byway, And I thought I'd chase you, what the hell, You looked like you would bring some money, When we put you up for sale. It turned out that you were faster, Than most villagers I've found, And when you started all that yelling, My heart raced from the sound.

Villagers: When you chased me down the byway, I thought you were a sad disgrace; You were working for those evil slavers, With your cocked hair and scarred up face. You may think you'll overcome me, And throw me on your horse's back. But my friend who's here beside me, Likes what I do...I mean...she. . . ACK!

The raiders are suddenly confronted by a BIG woman warrior who twirls around in a beige shift. The dance changes to one in which the woman warrior delivers high kicks to the heads of each raider. When the last raider has hit the stage, there is a long look between the woman warrior and one of the village girls, a small blonde.

Scene 2: The woman warrior walks into the village of Amphipolis. Older villagers turn their backs on her, but the young warriors, both male and female, all run up to greet her. On the other side of the stage, young villagers gather around a pretty, blonde stranger. Everyone starts singing.

Gabrielle: Warrior lovin'. Oh, what a blast.
Xena: Warrior lovin'. Forgot my bad past.
Gab: Met a warrior, wish you could see.
Xena: Met someone who's much shorter than me.
Both: Fought some slavers, oh, what a fight, And then what a fabulous night!
Warriors: Tell me more, tell me more, did you win a war?
Girls: Tell me more, tell me more, did you walk very far?
Xena: She tried to fight them, and she ran very fast, But she was little, and just couldn't last.
Gab: I beat a raider right on the head, Could have got loose, but I held back instead.
Xena: I dug up my sword, and I saved her life.
Gab: Would she be my husband, or would she be my wife?
All: Oh, oh, those summer nights.
Warriors: Tell me more, tell me more, When did you know the score?
Girls: Tell me more, tell me more, And I don't mean folklore.
Xena: All was fine until I met her folks.
Gab: My dad was angry, and that was no joke.
Xena: So I took off and came back to my home.
Gab: Dad sent me here 'cause he read my love pome.
Xena: I will forget what she meant to me.
Gab: A love forever that is what this will be.
Both: Warrior love may never go smooth, but oh..oh...those warrior nights.

Scene 3: A party at the home of one of the Amphipolis village girls. Gabrielle, the new girl, has been invited, but she is being teased by the other girls. One girl, who wears an Amazon costume, starts a song.

Ephiny: Look at me, I'm Gabrielle,
Protecting my virginity
Using a stick to keep off the guys,
But got no defense from Xena's blue eyes.
Just look, I'm Gabrielle.

Watch it, you all,
you know I'm the bard,
Mooning around in Cyrene's front yard.
To climb over Xena
I'd fall down a well.
Of course: I'm Gabrielle.

I don't injure or kill,
But I will give cheap thrills.
My top can't get much smaller,
Unless I grow TALLER.
But HEY, I'm Gabrielle.

Draco, get away from here.
Joxer, wipe away that leer.
You guys got no right to come here tonight.
You know I'm GABRIELLE.

Ares, no, no, you nasty god.
You'll never get close to my muscular bod.
I'm pretty and buff,
And you guys can get STUFFED!
I'm the BARD. I'm Gabrielle.
Gabrielle hears the song and runs off crying.

Scene 4: The warriors are leading an old yellow nag into the yard at Cyrene's Inn. Xena, who is sitting on a rock and sharpening her sword, looks at the horse and jumps up. She approaches the horse and starts petting it, and soon all the warriors are singing and dancing.

Xena: I'll have a big yellow horse with a silky white mane, oh, yeah. Big round hoofs that can run a mile in 2 minutes flat. A saddlehorn. That's really tall. Yeah, that girl. Will really fall. For Greek Argo.

Warriors: Go Greek Argo, you're runnin' on down the trail. Greek Argo, go Greek Argo. Yeah, Greek Argo, show the other horses your tail. Greek Argo, go Greek Argo. You will go far. You are the star. Greek Argo.

Xena: I'll have a sheepskin pad that will cover up the saddle seat. Make it real soft so she'll wanna ride up on your back. You know she'll hug me tight, when she looks down from that height. I know she'll get real damp when she rides my golden champ. Greek Argo.

Warriors: Go Greek Argo, you're runnin' on down the trail. Greek Argo, go Greek Argo. Yeah, Greek Argo, show the other horses your tail. Greek Argo, go Greek Argo. You will go far. You are the star. Greek Argo.

Scene 5: There's a party at Cyrene's Inn. All the warriors and village boys and girls are there when Xena rides up on Greek Argo. Gabrielle is riding double with her, her arms around Xena's waist, and her head on Xena's shoulder. Everyone goes inside the inn, and Xena tenderly helps Gabrielle down. They follow the others. When they are inside, Xena and Gabrielle start to dance, but a stranger cuts in.

Xena gasps: Callisto!
Callisto grabs Xena, and they begin to dance wildly, both a dance and a fight. Everyone but Gabrielle dances and sings.

Callisto: Since you were born, you've looked like a god. Your papa, I've heard, just might have been one.
Xena: That isn't true, it's only a lie. You've been a goddess; you know it's not fun.
Both: Mortal or goddess, we don't really care, Pure lovin' and hatin' is what we both share.
All: Learn to hand-fight, baby. Learn to hand-fight, baby.
Callisto: When I was little, you came around. You burned my village right down to the ground.
Xena: That is the truth and I'll never dispute it. But if you don't shut your mouth, I'm gonna mute it.
Both: Watch everybody as we punch and whirl. We're each other's enemy, each other's best girl.
All: Learn to hand-fight, babeeee. Learn to hand-fight, baby.

Gabrielle, who has been watching all this, starts crying and runs from the inn. Xena looks after her, but Callisto draws her sword, and they continue to dance and fight as the lights come down.

Scene 6 - Xena is sitting by a small campfire all alone. She adds small sticks to the fire as she sings.

Xena: There are worst things I could do
Than go with a girl or two.
I could sack villages for fun
The way I used to do.
I could seduce dumb Hercules,
Bring little Iolaus to his knees,
Raise old Marcus from the dead,
But I fell in love instead.
I could burn some other town
Just to calm my feelings down
Or put some farmers to the sword
Just to forget some little bard.
I could hurt someone for free
Just like she's hurting me.
I know I care but don't know why
My body trembles at her sigh.
I may yell, but I won't cry,
For warriors know this thing is true.
I won't be weak in front of you.
For there's no worse thing I could do.
Gabrielle has come up behind Xena and, as Xena puts her head in her hands,
Gabrielle sings.
Gabrielle: Xena, when you look at me,
Sometimes I wonder what you see.
Much too naive? Or too sweet to believe?
See me, just Gabrielle.
When you tease me that I talk too much
Can't you see past my smile to the pain?
I tell you I love you. I make that plain.
Can't you just tell me that you feel the same?
(sings to herself)

Gabrielle, you must change your ways.
Find a new life without more delays.
Lift up you head.
There is nothing to dread.
Goodbye
To sweet Gabrielle.
Xena stirs the fire, and Gabrielle turns and walks away.

Scene 7: A band of warriors has entered Amphipolis. It's the same group that had tried to enslave Gabrielle and the other girls of her village. Xena motions for the other warriors and villagers to stand back. She draws her sword and goes out to fight alone. The odds are overwhelming, and she seems to know it. Suddenly, Gabrielle appears. She is dressed in an Amazon costume that is made of black leather. The top and the skirt are both TINY, and her abs and arm and leg muscles ripple and gleam. Xena stops and stares. They sing.

Xena: Oh, my heart is beatin' double,
And my muscles are going tight.
If I look at you much longer,
I won't fight.
Gabrielle: Let the others do the fightin'.
Let's do lovin' this one day.
It is time for a vacation.
Don't you feel that way?
Xena: I better get up, get up on my horse.
Gabrielle: No, just stay here on the ground.
Xena: There are folks depending on me.
Gabrielle: Look around.
Villagers/warriors: We have swords and we have skills, you know,
'Cause you taught us how to fight.
Why don't you take a little time to love
Let all of us defend the right.
Just one time we'll make the fight.
Xena: We're gonna ride off.
Gabrielle: 'Cause we need some time.
Xena: To learn happiness and love.
Gabrielle: We're gonna ride off.
Xena: I don't need a shove.
Both: We'll make sweet love all the time.
We'll make sweet love all the time.
The villagers and warriors rush the bandits, who flee, as Xena and Gabrielle mount Argo and ride off the stage.
ALL: They're gonna ride off
To make sweet love all the time,
To make sweet love all the time,
They're gonna ride off
To make sweet love all the time....
(voices and lights FADE)

CURTAIN

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