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EXT. GABRIELLE'S HOUSE - DAY
Xena and Gabrielle stand outside the bard's childhood home in
Poteidaia. Gabrielle looks nervous.
Okay. Now, let's go over the rules
one more time.
C'mon, this is important.
Gabrielle, I know the rules. No fire
breathing, no mentioning my many skills,
no chakram demonstrations in the
house, no scary warlord stuff, and
absolutely no cutting off the flow
of blood to anyone's brain.
Right. And no letting on that we're
anything but best friends.
Uh huh, though I still don't understand
that one. We do live in Greece, y'know.
Yeah, but I want to tell them in my
own way. They're still mourning the
whole Perdicus thing.
You over that?
No more "I sing a song of--"
Gak! No, and I'm so sorry I ever wrote
Okay, let's go in.
Gabrielle takes a big breath and opens the front door.
INT. GABRIELLE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Her parents, her sister Lila and half the neighbors are there.
They're all beaming a welcome and a big banner says "WELCOME
HOME, GABRIELLE" in large letters. Everyone cheers then they begin to speak
in unison, in the fine tradition of Greek choruses.
I sing a song of Perdicus. The boy I
knew, the man I loved--
(waving to them to stop)
Thank you! Thank you very much, but
I'd, uh, just as soon not be reminded
Gabrielle's mom rushes forward, giving her daughter a bear hug.
Aww, Chimpycheeks, losing Perdycakes
was so hard for you, wasn't it?
(sotto voce to Gabrielle)
Uh huh. Bet it's not in any of those
scrolls of yours, either.
Gabrielle glares at Xena as her Mom's hug deepens, squeezing
the breath out of the tiny bard.
Mom... Mom... can't... breathe... must...
You are way too skinny. Don't you
girls ever eat?
Xena rolls her eyes and walks toward Gabrielle's father,
who is vacillating between beaming at his little girl and
glaring at the warrior.
You got something to say to me?
Get out of town, Zina. We don't want
your kind here.
That's what I said.
I know, but I can tell you'd spell it
wrong if you wrote it.
Gabrielle walks over to her father, dragging her mother who
is still clinging to her.
Hey, Little Squirrel. How's my princess?
I'm a queen now.
The villagers, all aligned in a neat row, sing as a Greek chorus.
She's a queen! A queen! Not a princess
but a queen! Wherever have you been?
I heard her. I've got ears, don't I?
He has ears! Has ears! Very large ears
which stick out of his head like two
shovels made of lead!
(ignoring Xena, to Gabrielle)
So how's my little girl?
Great, Daddy. I've been having adventures
like you wouldn't believe, been working
on my bardly skills, doing a lot of traveling...
Have you met any nice boys? You know,
it's time to start thinking about getting
married again. Looks like Perdicus might
actually stay dead, and you aren't getting
For awhile it almost seemed like I met a
new boy every week, but they all up and
died on me. So I'm sorta laying low for
(glaring at Xena)
Did you have anything to do with that?
Other than praying a lot, no.
She prayed to mighty Zeus! That the boys
their lives they'd lose! She gave them all
a hex! So that she could get some--
(to chorus, menacingly)
-- subtex... t!
Not all that talented at this rhyming thing,
We suck! We suck! If you want poetry you're
C'mon, Sunshine, let's get some vittles
in you. We slaughtered the fatted lamb
just for you, Petutie Pie.
Sure, every time I asked for fatted lamb
it was "No, Lila, we're saving it for a
Oh, I forgot you were in this scene.
Hi, Xena. Are you doing it with my sister?
All ears turn to listen now! As the warrior
chooses her words! If the answer's 'yes'
Dad'll have a cow! If it's 'no' it'll appease
We suck! We suck! If you want poetry
you're outta luck!
Sorry. I forgot.
So? Xena? You gonna answer my question?
Define 'doing it.'
Okay! Change of subject. Mom, you
mentioned a fatted lamb?
Mom is still clinging to Gabrielle and smiles mistily.
I'll go see if it's ready.
Mom starts toward the kitchen, dragging Gabrielle.
Uh... Mom? Couldja let go for a sec?
Do I have to?
It would make breathing easier.
Anything for you, Honeybear.
Reluctantly, Mom lets go and exits. Gabrielle takes a deep
breath, though her stomach still appears as though she is
sucking it in to show off her abs.
Gabrielle gets a hug from Dad.
Tell him! Tell him! Tell him about you
and Xena! Courage! Courage! He loves you
and isn't mean... ah!
Tell me what, Fuzzywuzzy?
What ever happened to the days when the
chorus wasn't audible to the players?
Why am I even in this scene? I haven't talked
You and me both, babe.
Daddy... I have something to tell you...
So I gathered. What is it, Candycane?
Suddenly, Gabrielle notices that the corner of the room
houses a huge drawing of Perdicus, surrounded by candles,
fresh fruit and various shiny objects.
What is that?
Our Perdicus shrine. Everyone in Poteidaia
has one, only ours is the biggest.
I sing a song of Perdicus! The boy I knew,
the man I loved!
So, Lila, want to see how my chakram
Xena readies to throw her chakram.
Xena, you promised!
(putting chakram away reluctantly)
I'm about to tell my dad that you and I
are lovers and you're *bored*!?!
Did you mean to say that out loud?
She's out! She's out! So that's what this's
about! She's gay! She's gay! What's her
Daddy gonna say?!
For long moments, Dad just stares at Gabrielle. He glances
over at Xena who looks ready to slice anyone in two who'd
even dare to hurt Gabrielle. Slowly, he walks over to the
warrior. They stare eye to eye, sizing each other up.
Welcome to the family, Xena!
Dad hugs Xena, warmly. Gabrielle heaves a sigh of relief.
Love is a many splendored thing! Be it love
twixt daughter and dad or what a warrior
Gabrielle runs over and joins the hug.
Lila! Take down that blasted Perdicus
shrine! Thank the gods we can get rid of
Will do, Daddy.
So... I hear you have medical skills. I've
always hoped my little girl might marry
She has many skills! All good for lots
Gabrielle glares at Xena.
(innocently, pointing at chorus)
They said it, not me.
Mom enters with a huge platter of Fatted Lamb Almondine.
C'mon all -- supper!
Hey honey! Guess what? Our little girl
Who's the lucky fella?
Oh how lovely!
My little baby -- engaged!
Mom smothers Gabrielle in another hug.
Did we say anything about being engaged?
I *assumed* your intentions were
Well... yeah, they are, but I wanted to pick
the right time.
Gabrielle extricates herself from Mom and stands before
Xena, her eyes wide.
Oh Xena! Does this mean...?
Why do birds suddenly appear? Every time
you are near? Just like me, they long to be,
close to you...
Lila is in the corner punching holes in the Perdicus drawing,
Xena and Gabrielle continue to hug each other and Mom and
Dad look on proudly.
Looks like we're going to have to get another
fatted lamb, dear.
Good thing they're on sale this week.
(re: Xena and Gabrielle)
Oh! don't they make an adorable couple!
See? I told you everything would work
Yeah, you did. Mom, Dad, I'm sorry I
I love a happy ending! A family that is
blending! Xena and Gabrielle will soon
hear a wedding bell!
Xena, why don't you carve?
Xena unsheathes her sword, twirls it several times, then
begins slicing the lamb.
Pass the mint jelly! There's a rumbling
in my belly! Fatted lamb's my favorite
dish! It's yummy and delish!
You guys are really starting to annoy me.
We're sorry, but we're starving! Please hurry
with your carving!
Xena takes a long drink from her wine then picks up a candle.
No! C'mon, Xena, you promised!
We're gonna die! And that's no lie! Unless
the bard can save our lard!
(to Gabrielle, swallowing)
Anything for you, Chimpycheeks.
'Save our lard?' Maybe I shouldn't have
We suck! We suck! If you want poetry you're
So, Xena, tell me about your financial
portfolio. And do either of you plan on
being artificially inseminated? I've
always wanted grandkids.
Xena, you aren't planning to wear leather
to the wedding are you?
About this whole warlord thing, what's
up with that?
Gabrielle, we simply must talk seating
Have you bought her a ring?
We're going to need invitations, a caterer,
flowers, rent a hall -- oh, there's so much
Are you into sports, Xena? I've always
wanted my daughter's mate to be into sports,
like me. We could go to the games together.
I heard that the cottage two doors down
is up for sale!! We could be neighbors!
(their mouths full of lamb)
Uh-oh 'irls! 'ere 'omes drouble! 'edder 'eave --
on th' double!
Off Xena and Gabrielle's pained expressions we:
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