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Xena and the Chocolate Factory

by Snoopmeff

Hey all. This is just something I wrote while extremely bored. I hope you enjoy it, however, if you don't , please feel free to flame the Hades out of it. :)

Part I

Scene 1:

You see Xena and Gab walking down a road.

Gabrielle: Xena?

Xena: Yes Gabrielle?

Gab: Tell me the story of the chocolate factory?

Xena: You want ME to tell a story, little miss Superbard!?

Gab: Hey, it might not make any sense now, but it will in the future.

Xena: Oh. Well anyways, once Salmoneus Chocolate factory was open to all. People came from miles around, from Athens to Amphipolis to see the factory. Well, we all know that Salmoneus make the best chocolate in the world right? It just so happened that people from other factories came to spy and steal his methods of candy making. Owners of other candy companies would use the stolen methods to make their own candy. The worst of them all was Falafel! He would make inferior food" products" ( I use this term loosely!) and sell them to passing heroes and their sidekicks!

Gab: Then what happened?

Xena: Well, after that, ole' Sal just closed his factory down!

Gab:Then what happened?

Xena: Well, one day, it started to look alive in the factory! And the next day, candy was being shipped out! But there was something strange about that. While it was busy in the factory, no one was seen coming in and out of the gates! No workers or anything!

Gab: That's odd.

Xena: And since he re-opened the factory, NO ONE has been in there.

Gab: Hmmm...

(Fade out)

(Fade in)

Scene 2:

Xena and Gab are in a tavern talkin 'bout stuff

Xena seems a little tipsy.

Gab: ...So I said, " Hey this wouldn't have happened if you kept you hands off my tomatoes!"

(All of the sudden an villager bursts in the tavern)

Villager: Has everyone heard!!!! Salmoneus is going to open his factory to the public!

(everyone begins talking at the same time.)

Villager: QUIET!!!! I'M NOT FINISHED!!!!!!

(Xena flashes him "the look")

Villager :*gulp* What I meant to say is that he will only let five people in. He going to have five golden scrolls randomly inserted in his bags o' candy!

(at that, everyone [including the barkeep!] runs out to buy as many bags as they can, except Xena and Gab.)

Xena: Well, come on! Let's go! (gets up and stumbles ever so slightly)

Gab: We have a slight problem...

Xena: (slightly annoyed) What is it?!

Gab: We don't have (starts to mumble)

Xena:WHAT? ( now almost fully aware)

Gab: Any dinars left! We're traveling heroes! We don't get much cash! And when we do get cash, we either spend it on drinks or to fix YOUR armor!

Xena: MY ARMOR?! What about YOUR medical bills! You think it's cheap to bring someone back to life! Because YOU didn't tell me you didn't have insurance, I had to pay 2,000 dinars !!!

Gab: Well how 'bout the time when YOU died!

Xena: That was different, I didn't need to pay to be healed in a temple! An' how 'bout the time when YOU turned into a Bacchae!

Gab: You think it was FUN for me to bite your neck?!? Looked like YOU enjoyed that more than I did!

Xena: All right, that's enough! You've go TOOO far!!! (draws sword. Gab grabs staff)

Xena: You wanna learn how to be a warrior, let go!

(start to fight)

Gab:(while fighting) Xena, why are we fighting?

(Xena stops & shrugs shoulders)

Xena: Maybe Snoop just couldn't think of anything else?!?!

Gab:(flatly) Or maybe you just had too much ale. Oh well, let's just go find somewhere to sleep. I'm tired.

Xena: Fine.( on way out grabs bread and another ale)

(Gab smirks.)


(fade out)

(fade in)

Scene 3

Morning , Greek Woods

you see Xena half under a blanket, looking slightly hung over.

Xena: Uhhhhh. Gabrielle?

( no response)

Xena: Must have went to get breakfast..

(drifts off into Slumberland)

Meanwhile in town....

Villager: Hey, did hear? Two of the golden scrolls were found already!

Another Villager: By who?

Villager: Some guy named Draco and some woman named Callisto.

Gab: Those names sound vaguely familiar......Oh well. (take out cup and pan flute. Puts cup on ground. makes sign that says "Requests Taken", starts playing)

Man: I'll give you 20 dinar if you stop playing!!!!!

Gab:(a little insulted) Well...ok......

Man:(raises hands to sky) Thank the gods!!!!!! (walks away)

Gab: (yelling after him) I SEE SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T APPRECIATE THE ARTS!!(to herself) Oh well, I made 20 dinars, didn't I?

(picks up cup. Takes coins out and puts them in her bag. Heads back to camp.)

Back at camp....

Xena: (holding head) Oh man. No more ale for a while. Oh gods! *burp*

(runs behind bush and well, I think we get the point)

Xena:(walking out from behind the bush) Oh man, no more ale for a LONG while!

(Gab runs into camp)

Gab:(excited) Hey Xena! Guess what!?

Xena:(holding head) Keep you voice down ok!

Gab: Sorry, well anyway, I have some good news and some bad news.

Xena: First good, then bad ok?

Gab: Fine. The good news is that I got 20 dinar this morning.

Xena: And the bad news?

Gab: The bad news is that two of the five golden scrolls were found yesterday.

Xena: By who?

Gab: Draco and Callisto.

Xena:(sarcasticly) My two best friends.(mounts Argo) Well, come on Gabrielle, let's pack up camp and go.

Gab: I thought you were sick?

Xena: Hey, that never stopped me before!( Flashes a VERY rare smile)

Gab: I guess your right.

Xena: Now if only I can remember where I put my chakram last night..............

(the two walk off )

DISCLAIMER: No bard/amazon princess/sidekick/widows were harmed during the writing of this parody; but Xena had a REALLY bad hangover.

Part II

Scene 1

New Woods, afternoon Xena and Gab are on Argo.

Gab: You know what tomorrow is right?

Xena:(looking annoyed) How many times are you going to remind me of your birthday?

Gab: Depends.

Xena: Depends on what?

Gab: Depends on what you got me.

Xena: Gettin greedy,aren't we?

Gab: Sorry.

Xena: That's ok.

(they see a man running towards them)

Man:(panting) Ddd..did you hear about happened in the next village?!

Xena: (draws sword) WHAT?

Man: Oh, nothing bad. Just someone named Joxer found the third golden scroll.

Xena: Oh great, now JOXER's in this parody!

Man: Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

(Man walks away)

Gab: So, what DID you get me?

Xena: (annoyed ) Gabrielle............

(fade out)

(fade in)

Scene 2

Village marketplace, late afternoon

Gab: XENA! Hey Xena, c'mere. Look at this. (picks up a beautiful ebony fighting staff)

Xena:(flatly with a touch of sarcasm) It's lovely. (Gab starts trying it out) How much?

Vendor:500 dinars.

(Gab puts it down) Gab : (sheepishly) Oh, thank you.

Gab: I'm going to look around for a while. I'll meet you back here, ok?

Xena:(hesitantly) ok, but be careful.

Gab: I thought you were over treating me like a kid!

(Gab walks off)

Xena: (to vendor) Can I have a bag of Sal's candy and two bottles of chakram polish?

(fade out)

(fade in)

Scene 3

next night. Your average everyday campfire scene.

Xena & Gab are sitting by the fire

Gab:........ Artemis was so upset that she put Orion's image in the sky, so every night she could look up at her fallen friend.

Xena:(clapping) Good show! Oh, by the way, happy birthday. (pulls out gifts)

Gab: Alright! (opens first gift) Food!

Xena: Be careful, you could get the golden scroll.

Gab: Fine, fine, fine. On the count of three we'll open it, ok?

Xena: Fine. Ready? One, two, three!

(Gab opens bag, but sees nothing but a large hunk of chocolate)

Gab:(a little disappointed) Oh well. (starts to munch on chocolate)

(opens next gift) Gab: What's this?

Xena:(examines object) I really don't know. But it looks good.

Gab: Looks like a warped chakram!

Xena: It kinda does, doesn’t it?

(fade out)

(fade in)

Scene 4

Morning, camp

Gab's cooking something for breakfast.

Xena seems to be fencing with a tree

Xena:(getting carried away) Paray,paray, thrust, thrust, AYIYIYIYIYIYI!( jumps onto the lowest branch and proceeds to flip from branch to branch, slicing away)

Gab: By the gods Xena, it's only a tree!

Xena: Uh, oh. Sorry.

Gab: That's fine. Time to eat.

(Xena then flips down from the branch, does a few twirls in mid-air , then lands about one minute later.)

Gab: You never learned the law of gravity, did you?

Xena: (looking puzzled) What's gravity?

Gab:(shaking her head) A basic law of nature that you constantly break.


(they start eating)

Gab:(with food in her mouth) Hey, Xena!

Xena: Don't talk with food in your mouth!

Gab:*swallow* Sorry. Xena!

Xena: Yes?

Gab: Who do you think will find the next golden scroll?

Xena: I really don't know Gabrielle. I really don't know.

Meanwhile on Mt. Olympus.....................

Ares is playing with G.I. Joes.

Ares: BANG!!!ZOOM!!! CRASH!!! DIE SOLIDER BOY!!!! (menacing laugh)

Athena:(walks in room with scroll under arm & sword on her back) What are you doing Ares?

Ares: Playin' with my toys!

Athena: THAT'S mature!!!!(examines toys) Hey! That's cool! What's that?

Ares:It's called a TANK!

Athena: Dibs on the tank!

(now you see Ares & Athena playing with G.I. Joes)

Athena & Ares: BOOM!!!!CRASH!!!*whistle*BOOM!!!


Ares: Oh man, (makes toys disappear) Yes Dad?

Zeus: Are you playing with those stupid future toys again?( Walks in room) You brought Athena into this too?

Athena: No father, we were just, uh,um, (looks down. Sees a small figure that just wouldn't disappear. She kicks it out of the way.) comparing strategies!(Under breath) Where's Hermes when you need him?

Zeus: Look , I don't care about that. What I came in here to tell you is that I want one of you to take the form of a mortal to get a golden scroll. Ares?

Ares: No can do Dad, gotta start some wars!

Zeus: Athena?

Athena: I suppose. But why can't I just show up in the factory?

Zeus: I want you to check things out on Earth, ok?

Athena: Fine.

(Athena Disappears)

(Ares is looking at Zeus)

Zeus: Ares?

Ares: Yeah Dad?

Zeus: Go away.

(Ares disappears)

(Zeus snaps fingers and makes figures re-appear)

Zeus:(stars playing ) BOOM!!!!!! WHIZ!!!!!!! It's good to be the king!

To Be Continued......

DISCLAIMER: No beautiful ebony fighting staffs were harmed during the making of this parody, but an object that somewhat resembles a chakram, the law of gravity, and Ares took some SERIOUS abuse.

Part III

Scene 1

Dirt road. Morning

Both Xena and Gab are riding on Argo. Gab seems to be playing some killer blues riffs on her panflute. (Yes folks, blues on a panflute. I figured, if there was rap, there could be blues.)

(Panflute playing blues riffs)

Gab:(singing) Born under a bad sign, 'been down since I began to crawl. If it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have no luck at all!

Xena: What's your problem?

Gab:(stops singing) Well if you let me continue, you maybe would have heard the rest of my story. Ok?

Xena: Fine little Miss Attitude. Do your thang.

Gab: Thank you.

(she proceeds to sing a blues song about all that sucks in her life.[including her problem with men dyin' on her & Xena's amazing body switch-a-roo]) (Folks, I would love to write this whole song out, but it's really long, so maybe another time, ok?)

Xena: You got a set of pipes on you don't you? (Gab smirks) No pun intended.

Gab: It would sound better on a lyre or a lute or one of those type of instruments. Hmm..(starts blues piping again)

Xena: This is going to be one long day!

Scene 2

End of road: view of a large village with a very large building in the center, afternoon

Gabby is still playing that *&^$#@! panflute and singing that &*#!@&%^ song!!!!!!

Xena: Gabrielle?!

Gab:(ignoring her) OHHHHHHH YEAHHHH I GOT THE BLUES!!!!!

Xena: Gabrielle?!

(Gab is still singing)


Gab is STILL singing)

(Xena then does the unimaginable; she puts her keen touch on Gabrielle)

Gab:( struggling to speak) *Ugnh, errk* what is *ungk* this all about?

Xena: I you had to listen to me complain for 5 straight hours, you would do this to! (releases her)

Gab: I wasn't complaining, I was singing!

Xena: You see that's where we differ. You were not singing, You were complaing about that wennie Perdicus. I know that it's hard to lose someone you love, but just find another way to express your emotion, ok?

Gab:(sacasticly) Fine. I'll go crazy and conquer all the villages I can! That's ten times better! Oh no wait, I can't do that. It's been done. Bummer.

Xena:(obviously mad) OHHHHH! To the moon Gabrielle. To the moon. Tell Artemis I said hi.

Gab: Ok, that's enough. I'm sure we can find some way to solve this, ok?

Xena: Fine.

(Gab jumps of Argo, Xena tosses her a few coins)

Gab: What's this for?

Xena: Singing lessons.

Gab: You are in such a good mood today, aren't you? You know, mabye you shold wear your armor a little bit looser from now on, ok?

Xena: I'm sorry Gabrielle, I'm really not in a good mood today.

Gab:(under breath) No, really?! Did I just say that?!(voice raises to normal pitch) Wanna talk about it? Xena: Later.

Gab: Ok. By the way Xena, where are we?

Xena: Thebes.

Gab: You mean that's...

Xena: Yes, that's Sal's chocolate factory.

Gab: Oh man, alright!

(Gab runs like a little kid towards the factory)

Xena:(picks up panflute) Hmm.....(starts to attempt to play and half-sing) Born under a bad sign...

(fade out)

(fade in)

Scene 3

Athenian Agora, afternoon. Athena is seen in mortal guise bartering with a vendor.

Athena: I'll give you 2 dinars for that hat!

Vendor: It costs 15 .

Athena: I'll give you 5.

Vendor: No. 15.

Athena: Ok, 10. But that's my final offer!

Vendor: Ohh, your final offer. Like I'm supposed to be upset that YOU won't buy this hat. Who do you think you are, the goddess Athena?

Athena: Actually, yes. ( She touches a toy wooden sword he is selling and it turns into a sword that looks like it was crafted by Hephesteus himself)

Vendor (on knees) Oh forgive me goddess! Forgive me! (He kisses her golden sandals)

Athena: I forgive you. Just next time don't use my name as an insult, ok?

Vendor: Oh yes goddess! Yes goddess! Thank you goddess!

Athena: Your welcome. Now do me a favor.

Vendor: Oh anything your goddessness!

Athena: Get me two bags of Sal's candy, ok?

Vendor: Yes goddess. (get bags) Here you go oh fair and just goddess!

(Athena opens up first bag)

Athena: Nothing. Here, you can have the chocolate. (shoves the chocolate in the vendor's mouth.)

Vendor: (with a huge hunk of chocolate in his mouth) Oh thank you goddess. This chocolate is even sweeter now that you have laid your godly fingers on it!

Athena:Thank you. (Opens up the next bag) Alright! Jackpot! Golden scroll!

Vendor: Everybody! The fourth golden scroll has been found by (Athena muffeles him)*Ummmm*

Athena: Don't tell anybody it's me, ok?

Vendor: (whispering ) Yes goddess.

Voices from the Crowd: What's her name!

Athena: My name is Pallas.

Voices from the Crowd: As in Athena?

Athena : Just a lucky coincidence!(uncomfortable silence) Well, goodbye all!

(Athena runs to one of her temples.)

Athena: Your goddessness, I like that!

(She then hides behind her statue and disappears)

Meanwhile back in Thebes........

Xena is sitting at a small table in the corner of a tavern/inn. The town lowlifes are tryin' to pick her up. (As usual)

Drunk#1: Hey babe. Howza bout' me (points to Xena) and you (points to himself) go an' have a little drinky poo.*burp*

Xena: How 'bout not. (Picks him up and throws him into a table)

Xena: And NEVER call me babe.

(gets up and walks out)

Meanwhile on the other side of town.....

Vendor: Miss. Wanna buy a bag of candy? Only 1 dinar.

Gab: No thanks.

Vendor: Only 3 more days of the contest left!

Gab:Really ! Give me two bags.

(she opens on on the spot and keeps the other for travel)

Gab:Bummer. Not again! Oh well, I get one of those golden scrolls one day.

(walks away to join Xena)

(fade out)

(fade in)

Thebes, next day. Xena and Gab are walking around town.

Xena: I'm sorry I was on such a bad mood yesterday.

Gab:Apology accepted! Now lets find somewhere to eat!

(At that moment, the town crier comes flying through the town on a large black stallion)

Crier: Fourth golden scroll found by woman named Pallas!

Xena: That means there's one left.

Gab: Now I'll never get one. You know (her eyes start to tear up) It was always Perdicus's dream to go to the Chocolate factory.....

Xena: It was?

Gab: Well, he never actually said that, but he did talked about this place alot.

Xena: When?

Gab: When we were little.

Xena:It wasn't around when you were little.

Gab:Well, he did mention Thebes for our honeymoon.


(Gab's stomach rumbles)

Gab: Man, am I hungry! Do you have any food?

Xena: None.

Gab: Oh wait! (reaches into her bag and pulls out a small bag of chocolate) here's some food!

(Gab opens the bag and sees a sparkle of gold in the bag.)


Xena: IT looks like a golden scroll!


Xena: Read what it says Gabrielle!

Gab: It says "To whomever this may concern . Congrats my friend! You are one of the lucky finders of the elusive golden scrolls! Only a select few will be able to tour the wonders of the mysterious chocolate factory. To tour the factory, please come to the gates of the factory on the 24th day of the 11th month. You may bring one other person with you. Remember to bring this scroll, or you will not be allowed in. Thank you. Your friend, Salmoneus."

Xena: You do know that's in two day right?

Gab: IT IS!!! ALRIGHT!!!!

Xena: (looks down at ground and shuffles her feet) So, who ya gonna take?

Gab: Well, Pedicus is dead, and all my friends at the Academy are taking their exams, so I guess I'm stuck with you! (smiles)

Xena:(smiling) To the moon Gabrielle! To the moon!

To be continued..............

DISCLAIMER #1: If you liked Gab's blues song, here are some recording I think you'll really like!
John Lee Hooker: Greatest Hits
Robert Johnson: The Complete Recordings
Muddy Waters: Greatest Hits

DISCLAIMER #2: No goddess were insulted during the making of this story, but Athena was really annoyed by the vendor.

DISCAIMER #3: DO NOT attempt to play blues on a panflute without adult supervision.

Part IV

Scene 1

The gates of the chocolate factory, morning

Gabrielle: Xena! Hey Xena! Look, it's Salmoneus!

(you see Salmoneus walk out of the factory. He has on his usual garb)

Salmoneus: Hello my friends! Welcome to my chocolate factory! All those with golden scrolls, please come to the gates.

(the gates open. Draco goes first.)

Salmoneus: What's your name?

(Draco hands him the scroll then grabs him by the neck)

Draco: I'm called Draco. Got a problem?

Sal:(In his ever so famous nervous tone of voice) No! G-g-go right in! Next!

(Callisto flips next to Sal)

Gab:(running towards her) ARGH! It's her! Lemme at 'er! LEMME AT 'ER! I WANNA KILL HER XENA!! LEMME KILL 'ER!

(Xena holds her back)

Xena: No Gabrielle, not now.

(after Callisto flips off into the building, Joxer runs up and draws his sword)

Joxer: Hello candymaker! My name is Joxer the mighty!

(Xena run after him)


Gab:(Gab attempts to hold her back.)Whoah! Down girl! Calm down!

(After the preceding evil leaves, Athena/Pallas walks up)

Sal: What's your name?

Pallas: Hello Salmoneus, I'm Pallas. Here's your scroll.

Sal: As in Athena?

(Athena/Pallas laughs nervously)

Pallas: No! It's just a conisidence! You wouldn't believe how much I get that!

(uncomfortable silence; Pallas's eyes shift)

Pallas: I'll go in now.

(runs in)

Sal: Hmm. Let's see who's last. Xena? Gabrielle? How did........?

Gab: Long story Salmoneus. LONG story.

(they walk into the factory)

(fade out)

(fade in)

Scene 2

inside the factory, the Chocolate Room

Sal:...... And that waterfall is where my chocolate is being stired. The fall is actually churning my chocolate!

Draco: That's nice, but where's the gold?

Sal: Well oh great warlord, it's across the river.

Gabrielle: Who are they?

(she points across the river to an eclectic mix of Ompah Lompah's and Xenites)

Sal: Well, the short purple and orange people are called Ompah- Lompah. I borrowed them from a story written by Roaldus Daulus. The Xenites are from a far away land.Gabrielle, they actually follow the adventures of you and Xena!

Gab:(with a strange look) Hmph!

Xena:(with equally strange look) Imagine that!

Draco: Well I don't care who they are, I WANT THAT GOLD!

(Draco jumps into the river)

Sal: NO! My chocolate! Your posioning my chocolate!

(after in the river for about 5 seconds, Draco starts to get pulled under)

Draco: Help *gulp* me! I'm drowning!

(everyone looks down at river, shrugs, and walks away)

Draco: Hey! Hey! Someone *gulp* help me! Help! Any*gulp*one? Oh bloody hell.

(Draco gets pulled under)

(fade out)

(fade in)

Scene 3

A dock by the side of the chocolate river

Sal: Ok folks, all aboard.

(All left walk on board. First flips on Callisto, then Joxer, then Pallas, then Xena & Gab)

(the boat starts)

Xena: How is this boat running?

Sal: Oh. My workers are rowing it.

(Xena draws her sword)

Sal:Oh no, no,no,no! They are paid quite well!

(She puts her sword back in her sheath)

(the boat starts to move faster and faster.)

Gab: Oh gods, I can't take fast boat rides! (she goes to throw her head over the side, but when she realizes it's chocolate, she runs to the bottom of the boat)

(Xena puts her chakram against Sal's throat)

Xena: Slow down the boat Salmoneus, or I'll slow down something else!

Sal:Um, right. Slow down the boat!

(the boat slows down to a float. It floats by a number of rooms. Gab reads the names out loud)

Gab: Marshmallow room, sugar room, honey room, (you see an Ompah-Lompah walking out of a room with three large whips in his hands) oh Xena look, there's a whipping room!(A impish gleam starts to shine in her eyes)

Xena: Gabrielle, don't start this again!!!!!

Gab:Sorry. I figured I had to fit some sort of innuendo in somewhere.

Xena: That's fine.

Sal: Ok everyone, get off the boat!

(they all walk into a large room)

Sal: This is my special room .This is where all my best ideas come from. In this corner of my room, is my desk. In the middle of the room, is my shrine to the gods. (At that last comment, Pallas transforms into her true form and flies through the roof.)

Athena:(voice over) Salmoneus, you are a good man. You have my help whenever you need it.!

Gab: Well, that was strange!

Xena: It was, wasn't it?

Gab:Wonder why that was put in there?

(at that last comment, the author comes out of a corner where she was working with some Ompah-Lompahs and other Xenites)

Snoop: It was the only way I could get rid of Athena without offending her.

(she then goes back into her corner and continues working)

(Gab & Xena exchange strange looks and shrugs)

Sal:People, lets move on! We have so little to do, so much time. No, strike that, reverse it.

(fade out)

(fade in)

Scene 4

A large hallway in the factory

Xena, Gab, Joxer, Callisto & Sal are walking

Gab is giving Callisto the evil eye

Xena: Gabrielle, what are you doing?

Gab:SHHHH! I'm focusing my hate. Excuse me for a second.

(She closes her eyes and makes a tense face for a second , then relaxes it)

Gab: Ok, I'm done.

(Callisto turns around)

Callisto: Hello Xeena! How's your little friend? Over her loss yet?

Xena: Callisto, turn around, or I'll make you turn around.

Callisto: Oh! So sorry to be concerned! (Laughs demonicly)

(Gab closes her eyes and starts to whisper)

Gab:(whispering) Elysian fields, so calm and green. The love birds singing so serene......

Xena:Gabrielle, what are you doing?

Gab: You told me when you were Callisto, I mean when Callisto was you , I mean..


Gab:Anyways, you told me whenever I was upset to recite that poem.

Xena: Oh.

(Joxer then turns around)

Joxer:Hello my warrior chums! How's fighting for the side of good been for you these days?

Gab:(whispering to Xena) If only he died instead of Perdicus.

Xena:(whispering back) Your tellin' me!(voice goes to normal level) Joxer, it's been good. Now will you just GO AWAY!!!!!!!

(Joxer turns around)

Xena: I should kill him VERY SOON!

Gab: But Xena, what about the greater good?

Xena:It is for the greater good!

Gab: That's true..........

(fade out)

(fade in)

Scene 5

a lovely scene where our two heroes are faced with a dilly of a pickle...

Gab:Get on with it!

Right! So anyway, Scene 5, a large room with a small hole in the floor and a larger hole in the upper left corner.

Sal: And in this room is where I can communicate with the dead.

(Gab makes a "why isn't this guy locked up" face)

Xena:(with a strange look) Talk to the dead?

Sal: Yeah! Just pour some wine into that hole!

(Callisto takes the wine flask. She pours wine into the hole)

Callisto: I wanna see my mother.

(you see a blond woman pop out of the hole. )

Callisto: Mama?! See Xena , look at her, you killed her!

Gab(under breath) Hasn't this been done already?

Xena:(under breath) Same dialogue, different bodies.

Gab:(nodding) Oh......Xena watch out!

(Xena ducks as Callisto lunges at her. They proceed to engage in some major combat)

Gab:GET 'ER XENA!!!!

(The two forces continue fighting until Callisto is cornered on the edge of the large hole. The hole is bottomless.)

Xena: Looks like I got you cornered.

Callisto: But I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of killing me AGAIN.

(She jumps into the hole)

Sal:Well, that was dramatic. Ok people, press on, press on. There's not much time! Come on people!

Gab: Damn! I didn't even get to talk to Perdicus!

(they start to walk)

(Sal turns around)

Sal: Well, three down, two to go.

(fade out)

To Be Continued....

DISCLAIMER: Joxer was not harmed during the making of this story but a lot of people wished he was.

Part V

Well folks, this is it! The end of my story. The nailbitting conclusion! The final hurrah! The well...... I think you get the point. Enjoy!

Gab: Salmoneus, my feet hurt!

Joxer: Mine too!

Xena: Just grin and bear it Gabrielle, grin and bear it.

Gab:(getting excited) Grin and bear it?! GRIN AND BEAR IT?! I walk all over creation while you sit pretty on you horse and your telling me to GRIN AND BEAR IT!! NO! I WON'T!!!!!

Xena: (softly) Have you been in the henbane again? You know, the first step is admitting you have a problem. I'll support you through this tough time.

Gab:(teeth clenched) Elysian Fields, calm and green....

Sal: You know Gabrielle, your right! We should sit down for a while. (yells) Get the Salmobile!

Xena: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard anyone say.

(a large goofy contraption is wheeled in. You see several Xenites & Ompah Lompahs pouring Lord Seltzer's fizzy water in )

Joxer: What are they doing?

Sal: This vehicle is not powered by horse or donkey, but fizzy water.

Gab:(sarcastically): Oh the miracles of modern science. Yippee skippy.

Sal: Everybody get on.

(Joxer and our heroes get on)

(Sal starts it up.)

Sal: Ok folks, here we go!

(the vehicle starts moving. While moving , it drenches everybody with foam)

Gab: Hey Xena!

Xena: What?

Gab: Now we have a reason to take a bath! (that same impish gleam is shining in her eye)

Xena: Stop playing with the readers head like that!

Gab:Why, it's fun!

Xena:(the look) Just stop.

Gab:*gulp* ok.

Sal: Ok all, off.

(they walk into a large room with padding on the wall and something that resembles a kick bag in the middle)

Sal: And since I'm always hangin' out with heroes, I decided to build my own gym and to learn how to fight.

(Joxer looks at his "armor" [Or, to most people, a couple of pans pounded flat] and sees some foam left over)

Joxer:(whining) This is going to rust my armor!

Xena:(sarcastically) Oh no. You precious armor. Whatever shall we do.

Joxer: Hey, a warroir's armor is very important. (breaks into song) A warrior's armor (Gab hits him)

Gab:Not that song again.


Gab:(puzzled) Spaghetti? What's that?

Xena:(continuing) YOU WANNA BE A WARRIOR, COME ON, LET'S GO! Gabrielle, I need a can opener.

Gab: Why?

Xena: To open up this can of whup-arse! AYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI!

(They start to fight. Joxer is getting his arse whupped)

Xena:(with sword up to Joxer's throat) Got ya!

(She lifts her sword to execute the fool when the author comes running in)

Snoop: Stop! Stop! Stop! What do you think you're doing?

Xena: I'm killing him! It's for the greater good!

Snoop: I know , I know. But I think you should listen to Sal's plan before killing the fool.

(adjusts glasses)

Sal: My plan was to find a new owner of the chocolate factory. I'm sick of this gig! I need to sell flowers or Sun-X or open a haunted house or something. This is getting old fast. So I sent out the golden scrolls to find a new owner. I really wished that you would take over the factory.

Xena: Xena, the chocolate maker? That's crazy talk!

Sal:Right. I knew you wouldn't just ditch Gabrielle to work in a factory with a bunch of midgets and obsessive fans. So while you were fighting Callisto, I figured that I 'd give Joxer the factory.

Gab:Hey! Didn't I get the scroll. ME! ME ME ME ME ME ME MEEEEEEE!

(everyone is ignoring here, except the author)

Snoop: There needs to be some sort of inconsistency for this to truly be a Xena parody I have to add some sort of element from the show to make it more authentic.


Sal:(continuing) Giving Joxer the factory would get him off your back and give him a job he could actually be semi-good at.

Xena:(with sword still at his neck) Don't be silly. He's not good at anything!

Snoop: That's true. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'll write him out later, ok?

Xena:Fine.(takes sword back and pulls Joxer up)

Gab:So Sal, you going to find Hercules?

Sal:(putting on cologne) Nope. Atalanta! Bye!

(runs out the door)

Xena: Men.

Gab:So where are we going next?

Xena: Got me. How 'bout we visit you're sister.

Gab: Ok.

(they walk out of the chocolate factory into the sunset)



Gab: What happened to my panflute?

(you see the author walking back to her own time. She finds a panflute at her feet)

Snoop:Hmm.*toot* Born under a bad sign.............

(Fade out)


After Xena and Gabrielle left, Salmonueus caught up with Atalanta. She unfortunately turned him down, so he went back to his old ways of selling useless objects to make a quick dinar. Draco was fished out of the river and now won't go anywhere near gold again. Callisto is still suffering in Tartarus with all the other bad guys. Athena went back to Olympus and is still wondering why exactly she was put in this parody. (She is also still playin' G.I. Joes' with Ares). Joxer was in a horrible accident involving something in the factory and was ripped to pieces. His friend Willae Wonkus now runs the factory. Snoop went back to her own time and is still trying to figure out how to play the blues on a *$&%@ panflute (Don't worry, I'll get it one day!) Xena and Gabrielle are still wandering around ancient New Zeal....Greece. (Hehehe!)

So finally, after all that ........

C'est Finis!

DISCLAIMER: No one was harmed during the making of this parody, but Sal did get his heart broken & I got very frustrated trying to play blues on the panflute.

Liked it? Hated it? Just wanna share your views on government conspiracy theories? E-mail me!

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