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The following story is parody/fan fiction and does not intend to infringe on the
copyright of any company.
Beavis and Butthead Do Macedonia
by snooperboy
Highland museum of natural history...
1997...
VanDreesen is taking the class to a field trip to the museum of natural
history...Of course, Beavis and Butthead are tagging along...
VanDreesen: O.k., class, we're going to look at some artifacts from
Macedonia...In 1940, doctors Janice Covington and Melanie Pappas
discovered the Xena scrolls...Not long after that, they found a stone
called the time stone...(Points to a glass case with multi-colored stone
in it)
According to legend, if the person holding the stone holds it at the
right time of day, Destiny, the goddess of time, will appear and grant
you the time you would like to be in...
Butthead: uh...huh huh huh...You mean Xena? The chick with the big
thingies? Huh huh huh...
Beavis: Yeah...heh heh heh...thingies...I saw one pop out when she was
singing the pledge of alliegence...heh heh heh...BOIIIIINNNGGGG!!!
Butthead: Yeah...Then you spanked your monkey...huh huh huh...
VanDreesen: Actually, Butthead, the t.v. show is based on the
scrolls...But, unfortunately, because of artistic licence, the t.v. show
is more entertainment than educational...
Butthead: T.v. must have sucked back then...
VanDreesen: No, Butthead...There was no t.v. back then...Instead of
watching Xena, they read it...
Butthead: Reading sucks...huh huh huh...
Beavis: Yeah...How did they see her thingies...heh heh...?
VanDreesen: That's why reading is called theater of the mind...They just
used their perception and imagination...
Butthead: Uh...o.k...huhuhuh...
Beavis: Heh heh heh...I sure as hell couldn't live back then...It
sucked! No t.v., no Ozzy Ozborne...Boy it sucked! IT SUCKED!
VanDreesen: Well, anyways, this is the most valuable stone in
existence...It's worth millions...
Butthead: Whoa! Huh huh huh...(To Beavis) Hey Beavis, let's steal it
when nobody is looking...huh huh huh...
Beavis: Yeah...heh heh heh...Buy a lot of nachos and pornos and chicks
and stuff...heh heh heh...
VanDreesen: O.k...let's break for lunch...
The class, except for B&B, leave for lunch...The security guard is
sleeping...
Butthead: Hey Beavis! Now's our chance...
They desparately try to open the case...Beavis starts to get frustrated
and starts kicking it...
Beavis: ...argh! COME ON! ...ARGH! DAMMIT! OPEN UP!
Beavis kicks the display over shattering the glass...an alarm sounds
waking the guard...
Guard: (Draws gun) Freeze, you punks!
Butthead grabs the stone...He and Beavis take off running. They get half
way to the exit when Destiny appears...
Destiny: Greetings...I am Destinty...
Butthead: (Whispering to Beavis) Whoa...huh huh huh...it's a chick!
Beavis: Yeah...heh ehehehe...We're gonna score...heh heheheheheeeeheh!
Destiny: When do you wish to go?
Butthead: uh...Huhuhu huh huh...to your place...Watch Xena and
then...uh...huh huh huh...
Beavis: Xena...Heh heh heh...She's got big thingies...heh heh heh...
Destiny: Very well...To the time of Xena you shall be...
Destiny waves her hands and...In a flash...
The two suddenly woke up in the middle of a forrest...
Butt: Uuuuuhhh...Huh huh...Where are we?
Bea: (Get's up, starts scratching himself.) I don't know...But, my nads
itch...
Suddenly, a chakram flies past them and embeds itself in the tree behind
them...
Butt: Whoa! Huh huh huh...
Butthead's eyes widen as he sees HER and Gabriel...
Butt: Hey, Beavis...Huh huh...It's those warrior chicks...
Bea: Uuuhhh...Butthead, I'm kind of busy right now...(Still scratching
nads.)
Butthead walks over to Xena...
Butt: Uuuuuhhh...Huh huh huh...Hey, baby...Wanna see my sword? Huh huh-
Xena smacks Butthead with a backhand...She tries cuts off the
circulation to his brain...It has no effect...
Butt: ...Huh huh huh...
Xena: You got thirty seconds to tell me who you are and what you want?
Butt: (Eyes widen) HHUHUHUHUHUUUUHUUUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUH!...Hey,
Beavis...I'm gonna score...huhuhuhuhuhuhuh...
Gabrielle approaches Beavis with staff ready in her hands and Beavis's
nads in his hand...
Gab: Whitteryewdewing here? (Texas to English translation: "What are you
doing here?")
Beavis looks wide eyed at Gabby...
Bea: Whoa!...heh heh heh...Uuum...Will you scratch my nads for me?
Hehehehehehehhehehh-
Gabrielle immeditely stops the maniacal laughter of Beavis with a staff to
his cranium...Beavis is out cold...
Butthead is hog tied and gagged by Xena...His words are muffled...
Butt: MMMMmmmmph...My amphth moo mo moo muh mafmoom! (I have to go to
the bathroom.)
Xena: Oh, shut up!
She knocks Butthead out with the end of her sword handle...
Xena: Come on, Gabriel, let's get away from these perverts...
An hour after Xena and Gabriel had left...They come to, and Destiny
appears...She unties Butthead...
Des: Well, do you mortals want to go somewhere else?
Bea: Yeah...Hehe heh heh...Take us to a place where there's chicks and
guns...heh heh...
Butt: ...And a toilet...
Des: So be it...
In a flash, they end up in 1942 Macedonia...Outside a tent where they
wake up to gun fire...
Butt: Whoa! Huh huh...Let's go inside the tent and check it out...Huh
huh...tent...
Bea: Yeah...heh heh heh...Pitch a tent...
It's Janice Covington having a gun battle with some thugs...Mel Pappas
is crouched behind an overturned table...The shooting stops and all eyes
are on Beavis and Butthead...
Butt: Uuuuhhhh...huh huh...Where's the toilet?
Bea: Yeah, uh, Butthead has to take a dump...Heh heh heh...
Butt: Shut up, dillhole! (Smacks Beavis)
Bea: AAAAAAAH!
Janice sticks her revolver under Butthead's chin...
Jan: Whew sint yew? (Texas to English translation: "Who sent you?")
Butt: ...Uuh...huh huh...Did you pitch the tent? Huh huh huh...
Jan: No, one of my min did.(Min=Men)
Butt: (Looking down Jan's shirt)...I can see why...huh huh huh...
Bea: Yeah...heh heh heh heh..BOOIIIING!
Janice then puts the hammer back in rest position and withdraws her
revolver back to her holster...
Jan: The latrine is right out side...It's the small shack...
As Butthead runs outside to the jon, Mel returns to her feet and
proceeds over to Beavis...So do the thugs...
Mel: Are you here to fix the facilities?
Bea: ...The what?
Thug: Hey! He's not one of us...Who are you?(Sticking .45 auto in
Beavis's ear.)
Butthead is in the outhouse...There's a knock at the door...
Butt: Get out of here, dumbass!...Huh huh...I was here first...
It is Jaques Ser (AKA Jack Klayman)
Jaq: (In a fake French accent) I am Leuitenant Jaques Ser...French
resistance...Open up...(A fart sound comes out from behind the outhouse
door.)
Butt: Huh huh...That was cool...(Flushes, then exits the outhouse.) Huh
huh...Uuh..I wouldn't light a match in there if I were you...huh huh...
Jaq: Let me be the judge of that...I can take anything...(He opens the
door and is hit by a wave of butt stench.) OOOOH! Disgusting! (coughing
and fanning)
Butt: Huhuhuh...Dumbass...
Back in the tent, Beavis is tied up. Janice is arguing with a thug...
Jan: He's too stupid to be a claim jumper!
Thug: That's just a cover...(Points gun at Janice.) Unless you hired him
to act like a passer by to distract us...
Bea: Uuuh...Can someone untie me...Heh heh...My nads itch...(He looks at
Mel.) Uuuh...heh heh heh...Wanna scratch them for me?
Mel gasps in shock then smacks Beavis with her brief case...
Bea: OOOOWWWCH!
Mel: Creep!
Thug: You know, Covington, I think you're right...These guys ARE just
idiots...But, they know too much...(sticks gun up Beavis's nose.)
Butthead walks in...Everybody that has a weapon points them at
Butthead...
Butt: Huh huh...I farted and this French dude smelt it...Huh huh...
Jan: Hold on...Let me see if they know too much...(Walks over to
Butthead.) What are you here for?
Butt: ...Uuuuhhh...Huh huh...love, if you got any...huh huh...Hey,
baby...huh huh...I can pitch another tent for you...huh huh...
Janice walks over to Beavis...
Jan: Why are you here?
Bea: Uuuuhh...heh heh heh...I don't know...heh heh heh...
Jan: Well, maybe this will help...
Janice unties Beavis and hands him a bottle of truth serum...He chugs it
rapidly as everyone watches in curiosity...Suddenly Beavis starts to
shimmy, speak jibberish and shout...He then pulls his shirt over his
head...
Bea: AAAAAAAH!!!! I AM CORNHOLIO! I AM LOOKING FOR T.P. FOR MY
BUNGHOLE!!! (Looks at Mel.) Got any t.p.? Heh heh...
Mel: What is t.p.?
Suddenly, Butthead gets the urge to go again...He has the runs from the
nachos he had for breakfast...With those jalipeno peppers...
Butt: Uuuuhhh...Oh uh...Huh huh huh...I have to go to the bathroom
again...huh huh huh...diareah...
Bea:Oooooh...diareah...Aqua...Nicaraugua! AQUA...HE NEEDS T.P.!...For
the bunghole...heh heh heh...
Beavis and Butthead run out of the tent...Everyone's guns are
blazing...Beavis runs somewhere unknown...Butthead to the
port-a-jon...Not know Jaques is still there...
Jaq: HEY! I AM STILL USING THIS...(Butthead tosses him out of the
outhouse...Pants at half mast.)WHOOOOOAAA!
Butt: Huh huh...I have diareah, dumbass!
Beavis stops at a cave...He gets to the entrance where he turns the knob
in the right sequence to open it...
Bea: Whoa...heh heh...The t.p...(He walks in...Admiring the echo...)I AM
CORNHOLIO...WHOA...COOL! GIVE ME YOUR T.P.! THE ALMIGHTY BUNGHOLE WILL
BECOME ANGRY IF YOU DO NOT SURRENDER YOUR T.P...IT IS DARK [IN HERE]
LIKE THE BUNGHOLE!!!!
Baevis proceeds to bump into walls until he hits the trigger that opens
a wall revealing scrolls...Then the embers in the torches ligth...
Bea: Whoa!...HEHEE HEH...It is the t.p. for the almighty
bunghole...(Notices the piece of chakram...) Oooooh...The
frisbee...(Pulls it out, inspects it, and tosses it behid him not
knowing that Smythe was following him with the other piece.)
Smyt: Good boy...(Some of his thugs have there guns pointed at Beavis.)
You have found the chakram and the scrolls...(Beavis picks up the other
piece of chakram...)
Bea: Are you threatening me? (The piece starts to pull him toward
Smythe.) WHOA! YOU HAVE MADE THE ALMIGHTY BUNGHOLE ANGRY! (The two
pieces touch throwing both Beavis and Smythe...and the chakram to the
eye that awakes Ares...)
Ares: Aaaaaaaahhhh! That feels good!
(Beavis gets up...)
Bea: IT IS THE ALMIGHTY BUNGHOLE! (Starts worshipping motion...)
Ares: Well...Nice to know that someone worsips me after all these
centuries of imprisonment...(Throws daggers at Sythe and causes thugs to
shoot each other.)
Bea: (Eyes the chakram.) Whoa! The great frisbeeeeeeeeeee...(Picks it
up, spins around, and tosses it at Ares causing him to fall back into
the coffin.)
Ares: YOU IDIOT!!!
Beavis picks up the chakram and tosses it in the eye...
Bea: You have unleashed the power of the almighty bunghole! You must
must rest, my god...Heh heh heh (Starts picking scrolls out of it's
housing...He casually walks out of the cave, before the door seals.) I
HAVE THE T.P...I MUST BRING IT TO MY PEOPLE!!! FOR THEY ARE WITHOUT
BUNGHOLES!
Later, back at the dig site, Butthead is sitting in the jon...He notices
there is no toilet paper in the jon...
Butt: Dammit! Where the hell is he...Huh huh...
Suddenly, Beavis as Cornholio busts open the jon door with scrolls under
his arms...
Butt: About time, buttmunch!...Huh huh...(Starts to grab the scrolls and
use them as toilet paper.)
Janice and Mel come out of the tent...
Jan: THE SCROLLS!!! WHERE DID YOU FIND THEM?!!!
Bea: Uuuuh...Heheheh...(The cornholio spell wears off.) I don't know...
Jan: Well, hand them over!!!
Beavis hands Janice the scrolls. Mel takes one and inspects it...
Mel: Heeeeey! This isn't the complete scroll!
Jan: (Starts inspecting scrolls)Neither is this one...Or this one...Or
this one...(Grabs Beavis by the shirt) WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE REST OF
THEM!?!?!?!!!
Butt: (From behind the door)There was no toilet paper...I had to use
something...Huh huh huh...
Jan: YOU IDIOTS!!!(Punches out Beavis.)
Mel kicks down the door to the port-a-jon...
Butt: Uuuuuuhhhh...huh huh huh...Hey baby...huh huh huh...
Mel beats the bejesus out of Butthead with one of her shoes, knocking
him unconscious.
Later, Beavis and Butthead awaken to see Destiny standing over them...
Destiny: You cannot change your destiny...I must take you back to your
time...For you keep getting defeated in your purpose...
Butt: Uuuuhhh...What?
Destiny: YOU KEEP GETTING YOUR ASSES KICKED!!!!
Three weeks later, at the Hercules/Xena convention in Highland...Beavis,
Butthead, and Stewart are waiting in line to get Renee O'connor's
autograph...Butthead with Beavis behind him are next to get an autograph
of a poster...Renee looks strangely at them...Signs their posters, and
Stewart is next...
Stew: Renee, how come you were looking at them like that? Was it their
b.o.?
ROC: No...But I did notice that, too...I have the strangest feeling I've
met them before...Like...In another life...
THE END...:-)
