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by Dr. Bob
jag1742@usl.edu
Greetings fellow Xenites!!
I've returned from a sabbatical where I tried to find a cure for XWS. There is none. On a positive note, I tinkered out the following parody, which seems to be the current trend in fighting XWS. I realize this won't measure up to the works of Democratus, Cathbad, or the others. DAMNIT PEOPLE! I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A COMEDIAN! But, at least it's something to read.
My focus is on the good old days of Saturday morning cartoons. Not the new commercialized, politically correct crap they shovel at children now-a-days. I'm talking about when a guy could walk up and blow the beak off a duck at point-blank range with a double-barrel 12 gauge shotgun and everyone walks away smiling in the end. Well, I hope you enjoy......
[This is how Xena and Gabrielle COULD have met.]
The scene opens as we see Gabrielle, looking Looney Tune-ish, skipping carefree through the panoramic New Zeal...Greek countryside, playing her pan-flute. She stops abruptly as a woman in leather armor leaps from the bushes to stand in her path.
XENA: Ho there short, blonde, and perky. What business have you in these woods?
GABRIELLE: I seek a warrior....
XENA: Ahh..I am a warrior.
GABRIELLE: Really?
XENA: Yes. Allow me to demonstrate my proficiency with this dinar staff. Actually it's a drachma staff, but I got it on sale. (begins spinning the staff in a complex series of motions) HO-HA!! GUARD!! TURN!! PARRY!! DODGE!! SPIN!! THRUST!!...{WHACK!}
Gabrielle giggles as she watches Xena hit herself in the face with the end of the staff.
XENA: (shakes her head) That didn't come out right. What'd I do wrong? (thinks it over in her head) I got it. (begins twirling the staff again) HO-HA!! GUARD!! TURN!! PARRY!! DODGE!! SPIN!!...{THONK!} (hits herself in the foot, curses loudly, drops the staff, grabs her foot, and begins hopping around on the other one) DAMNIT TO... (trips over backwards and lands in a nearby creek with a loud splash)
Gabrielle holds her sides as she rolls around on the ground, laughing hysterically.
XENA: (climbs out of the creek and shakes herself dry. She notices the girl laughing uncontrolably) Ho Ho. Very Funny. Ha Ha. It is to laugh. (wiggles her shoulders around as she realizes something's stuck in her armor. She flexes her pectoral muscles and pops a smiling trout out from her cleavage. She punts it back into the water)
GABRIELLE: (wiping her watery eyes as she finally catches her breath and stands) Look court jester, as much as I'd like to stay and see the rest of the show, I'm afraid I have to look for someone. Can you tell me where I might find Xena, the warrior princess. Ya see, I'd like to join up with her and maybe learn...
XENA: (jumps onto a rock and proclaims proudly) Look no farther young one. For I am she that thou seeketh. I am.... Xena, Warrior Princess!
GABRIELLE: (turns and begins walking away, annoyed) If you don't know where she is, just say so.
XENA: (hopping off the rock and following her) Hey?!, I really AM Xena, warrior princess. I'll prove it. C'mon.
Xena leads Gabrielle to the top of a cliff overlooking the valley below.
XENA: (standing next to Gabrielle, pointing to the far side of the valley) See yon greedy warlord? Watch as I steal his gold and give it to the poor and down-trodden.
GABRIELLE: And just HOW are you going to defeat him O mighty one?
XENA: (stands straight and shouts emphatically) With my skills and magic CHAKram!
GABRIELLE: Skills and magic chakram?!
XENA: Skills and magic CHAKram!!
GABRIELLE: Magic chakram?!
XENA: Magic CHAKram!!
GABRIELLE: (smirks and says skeptically) Heh, magic chakram.
XENA: Alright, so it isn't magical. (gives her a stare) But I have MANY skills.
GABRIELLE: (places her hands on her hips) You just HAD to work that stupid line in here somewhere, didn't you?
XENA: (shrugs) Don't blame me.
Later....
Gabrielle leans against a rock as she watches Xena climb an immense tree overlooking the road. She can see the warlord approaching on his horse. Xena finally reaches the top and looks down, watching as the unsuspecting rider gets closer.
XENA: (smiling devilishly, jumps into a forward somersault) AIEYIYIYIYIYIYIYI....{SLAM!!} (runs into a tree. She shakes her head clear and somersaults again) AIEYIYIYIYI....{SLAM!!} (runs into another tree, staggers along the branch, and flips forward once again) AIEYIEYieiee...{SLAM!!} AIIEieeie..{SLAM!!} AAAAHHHH...{SLAM!!} that didn't hurt..{SLAM!!} AIEie...{SLAM!!} uggghh...{SLAM!!} mercy...{SLAM!!}
Gabrielle winces as she watches the woman run into tree after tree after tree....
Xena finally falls to the ground, just short of the road, as the warlord bounces past, oblivious to her presence.
GABRIELLE: (running over) Are you okay?
XENA: (lying face down on the ground) Yep, just fine.
GABRIELLE: Well, I'll be going now. (turns to leave)
XENA: (still face down, shoots out an arm and grabs Gabrielle by the ankle) Get back here you.
Later....
Gabrielle finishes off her lunch and walks over to the middle of the road where Xena is shoveling dirt out of a large pit.
GABRIELLE: (looking into the hole) Whatcha doin?
XENA: Digging a Burmese tiger trap. (jumps out and covers the hole with a large tarp)
GABRIELLE: Where's Burma?
XENA: (covers the tarp with leaves and twigs) Shut up.
GABRIELLE: What's a tiger?
XENA: SHUT UP! Look, he's coming. C'mon. (leads Gabrielle to the bushes)
They watch as the warlord hops along, bounces twice on top of the tarp, and continues down the road.
Xena looks down to Gabrielle who just shrugs.
GABRIELLE: (watches as Xena walks over to the pit, lightly places a foot on the edge of the tarp, and immediately falls in headfirst) Oh for the love of...(stops as she hears a cacophany of screams and loud animal growls coming from the pit. She hesitantly takes a few steps forward, but freezes as a large Burmese tiger jumps out of the pit. It growls once at her and then saunters into the forest. She steps a little closer to the pit) Hey lady, you okay?
XENA: (slowly crawls out of the pit, covered in scratches) Yep, just fine.
GABRIELLE: Look, I'm sorry. I'm just not convinced you're Xena, Warrior Princess.
XENA: I'm not done yet. (grabs Gabrielle and heads after the warlord)
Curtain closes as the Looney Tune theme starts up.
Be here next time when we'll see Xena and Gabrielle face off against a pack of bandits who don't realize who their prey are.
BANDIT: You're not Xena. Xena's 8 feet tall.
XENA: (smiling) Yes, I've heard. Kills warlords by the hundreds. And if she were here, she'd consume you with fireballs from her eyes and bolts of lightning from her arse.
GABRIELLE: (looks up at her quizzically) Arse?!?
So, tune in next time folks. Doctor's orders.
Greetings People!
The Doctor....is in.
Here's the continuation of part 1.
When last we left our favorite heroines, Xena was still trying to convince Gabrielle that she was, indeed, Xena Warrior Princess by attempting to capture a passing warlord and steal his gold. But what Xena doesn't know, is that we've secretly replaced her warrior skill and fighting ability with the coordination and keen intellect of Wile E. Coyote. Will she be able to tell the difference? Let's watch...
Later that day...
XENA: (running her hands admiringly over the brand new ballista mounted on the wagon parked just off the road) Wait until I hit him with this bad boy. (holding up the 3' long quarrel)
GABRIELLE: (leaning comfortably against the driver's seat) Remind me again. Why're we after this guy?
XENA: (struggling to crank back and load the large crossbow) So we can steal his gold and give it to the poor so they can buy food.
GABRIELLE: Uh-huh. And how much do you think he's carrying?
XENA: I don't know. 200, maybe 250 dinars.
GABRIELLE: On an unrelated subject, how much did you pay for that little toy of yours? (pointing to the ballista)
XENA: (loading the bolt) Uhm...350 dinars.
GABRIELLE: And the wagon and draft horses?
XENA: Another 250. Why do you ask?
GABRIELLE: (rolling her eyes) No reason. By the way, what's the rope for? (nodding towards the coil of rope at the base of the ballista)
XENA: (attaching the end of the rope to the quarrel) That's so I can reel the bastard in after I've nailed him. Shh, I hear him coming. (gets into firing position)
GABRIELLE: (notices Xena's right foot is in the coil of rope) Uhm...excuse me?
XENA: (says without turning around) SSSHHHH!! Don't bother me while I'm concentrating.
Gabrielle shrugs, smiles, and leans back with her hands folded behind her head.
Xena gets the warlord in her sights and pulls the trigger. The wagon rocks slightly as the heavy bolt sails off, making a huge tie-fighter sound effect.
XENA: (smiling wickedly) Die, you sonafabIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!
Gabrielle watches as the rope goes taut and Xena sails off behind the missle. She whizzes by slightly above and behind the warlord, who stops, looks around, shrugs, and continues on.
A short while later...
Gabrielle eventually finds Xena, a mile away, hanging upside down, 30' up in a large tree.
XENA: Don't ask me if I'm okay. Just get me down.
GABRIELLE: No problem. (grabs Xena's chakram, which she'd taken out of the wagon, and prepares to throw it)
XENA: (her eyes going wide as she starts waving her arms) NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!..
GABRIELLE: Relax. I think I'm getting the hang of this thing. (squints one eye and cocks back her arm)
Shortly....
Gabrielle and Xena are walking down the road in the direction of the warlord.
XENA: ...ever, ever, ever, EVER touch my chakram again. Understand me?
GABRIELLE: I got you down, didn't I?
XENA: (grunts) You throw like a girl.
GABRIELLE: I AM a girl! ...moron.
XENA: What was that?
GABRIELLE: Nothing. Look, can I go now?
XENA: No! We're gonna catch this %*&$!@ if it kills me.
GABRIELLE: (mumbles) Good, THEN maybe I can go home.
XENA: What was that?
GABRIELLE: (smiling sweetly) Nothing.
Later...
XENA: (walks over and joins Gabrielle near the side of the road) Well, whatta ya think?
GABRIELLE: (looks over Xena's handiwork) I can't say as I understand your idea of bait.
XENA: (looks back at the center of the road and the bowl of yellow flakes with the sign reading 'FREE BIRDSEED') Damn. I was trying to catch some breakfast this morning. (runs over, dumps out the birdseed, throws in a handfull of coins, scratches out BIRDSEED, and writes DINARS on the sign)
GABRIELLE: (asks as Xena comes back over) Explain to me again how this is gonna work?
XENA: Okay. The warlord's gonna come by and stop to pick up the dinars. Then, I'll throw my chakram and snap that little stick holding back all those boulders.
Gabrielle looks up towards the ton or so of rock precariously held up over the gap in the gorge.
XENA: He's coming. Get back.
The warlord bounces along, sees the bowl of coins, and hops off the horse. Xena steps out and throws the chakram. She and Gabrielle watch as it sails up and snaps the brace in half. Amazingly, the rocks seem to defy gravity and stay up. Xena catches the chakram and stares with her mouth wide open. Gabrielle watches as the warlord gathers up the money, climbs up on the horse, and then rides off.
GABRIELLE: Well, I guess that's.... (she watches as Xena marches over to the bowl and stares up at the boulders overhead while raising her chakram) She wouldn't.
XENA: (curses emphatically as she hurls the chakram repeatedly at the rocks overhead)!%&#@$* SONAFA...{CLANG!!} *&#@*@` PIECE OF %^&@....{CLANG!!} %#$@#!*....{CLANG!!}
Gabrielle watches as the entire mass of rubble falls into the gorge and onto the woman underneath. After the dust clears, she walks over and stares at the huge pile of rock. She can see Xena's hand sticking out the side of the rock pile.
GABRIELLE: CAN YOU HEAR ME?!
XENA: Yes, I can hear you. Get me outta here.
GABRIELLE: Get comfortable, this may take a while. (begins struggling to move the heavy rocks)
TIME STAGGERS ON (a small Sunex wristdial stumbles across the foreground)
Later....
XENA: (looks pridefully at Gabrielle) I'm telling you. This is so simple, it can't fail.
GABRIELLE: Wanna bet? (she follows the length of rope from the end in Xena's hand, across the canyon, to the other end wrapped around a HUGE boulder sitting on the edge of the opposite cliff)
XENA: What could be simpler? He passes underneath. I pull the rope and he gets squished like a bug.
GABRIELLE: (sighs and decides to try and reason with the woman) That rock over there weighs a HELL of alot more than you.
XENA: (points to herself) Hey, I'm stonger than I look.
GABRIELLE: Look super genius, it doesn't have anything to do with strength. It's a matter of basic physics. You simply don't have enough mass to...
XENA: (becoming annoyed) You're a bard. Whatta you know? Why dont'cha go write a poem or something?
GABRIELLE: (grumbles) I'll meet you down there. (starts walking down the trail leading to the canyon floor)
XENA: (calling after her) Give me some credit. I'm also smarter than I look.
GABRIELLE: (mumbling) Yeah, you'd pretty much have to be, you...
Xena spots the warlord bouncing along on his horse. She tightens her grip on the rope and steps to the edge of the cliff. As he gets closer, she gives a mighty heave and yanks herself right over the edge.
Gabrielle smirks and shakes her head as she watches Xena fly off of the cliff, swing across on the rope, and smack spread-eagle into the canyon wall. She walks over as she watches the warlord hop away.
XENA: (still stuck flat against the rock face) Not ONE word. I'm in a BAD MOOD! (she slowly slides down the stone wall, making a squeaking sound)
Gabrielle extends Xena a hand to help pull her up.
XENA: No, I can manage (pulls herself up by tugging on the rope. She then proceeds to dust herself off) You know, I'm done playing around... (looks around as she notices Gabrielle's no longer standing next to her. She spots the girl on the other side of the canyon floor, smiling and waving at her. Xena looks up as she hears a strange whistling sound growing louder. She then pulls out a tiny daiquiri umbrella and opens it over her head) Sonafa.....{THUUMMPP!!}
GABRIELLE: (winces as the huge boulder slams into Xena) Ouch. That's gotta hurt. (walks over) CAN YOU HEAR...
XENA: YES I CAN HEAR YOU!! GET ME OUTTA HERE!!
GABRIELLE: Well, I certainly can't move this thing. (leans closer to the huge boulder and shouts) Ya see, I don't have enough mass to...
XENA: SHUTUP! Look, go find Hercules and tell him I'm in trouble.
GABRIELLE: (throws her arms into the air) Oh, so now I'm supposed to believe you know Hercules?! Lady, I think you've fallen off one too many cliffs. (says sarcastically) Ooo, I know. Screw Hercules! Why don't I just go find Ares? I'm sure you and him are old pals. Or, better yet... (she stops as she turns and sees Xena standing next to her, covered in dirt after having dug herself out from under the huge rock)
XENA: C'mon! We still have a warlord to catch.
GABRIELLE: I don't think so. Look. He's almost reached his stronghold.
XENA: (looks across the wide pasture at the warlord nearing the open gates of a large fortified castle) Not if I have anything to say about it!
Xena runs across the field at impossible speed as `O Fortuna', from Carl Orff's `Carmina Burana', flares up in the background. [The Bulgarians were on strike.] She reaches the edge of the moat just as the drawbridge slams shut.
XENA: (shouts towards the gatehouse) OPEN THIS DRAWBRIDGE! OPEN IT I SAY! OPEN IT THIS...{WHAAAMMM!!} (the drawbridge slams down, pinning her underneath) CLOSE IT! CLOSE IT! CLOSE IT UP AGAIN!
The drawbridge raises back into position with Xena still stuck flat to it. She slowly peels off and falls into the moat, only to be chased out by several snapping crocodiles. As she reaches the edge of the moat, she spots Gabrielle approaching, leading Argo by the reins. She looks back at the castle, down at her tattered armor, and then to her messed up hair. As Gabrielle gets closer, Xena starts to cry.
XENA: (sobbing) I give up. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just can't take it anymore.
GABRIELLE: (comes closer and wipes the tears from the woman's cheeks) Hey, don't cry. Look, if it's any concilation to you, I DO believe you're Xena, Warrior Princess.
XENA: (sniffling) Really?
Gabrielle nods.
XENA: You mean because of my great warrior prowess and many skills?
GABRIELLE: (chuckles and shakes her head) No. I just figure anyone else woulda been dead by now.
XENA: Does that mean you've decided to stay with me?
GABRIELLE: Yeah, I suppose. But if we're gonna start traveling together, let's get some things straight from the start. First of all, I want my own freakin' horse. Don't think I'm gonna follow you all over creation on foot. Second, I want you to tell me all about your past and your family. I don't want any surprise siblings popping up at the ass-end of the season or anything stupid like that.
XENA: You done?
GABRIELLE: Ohhhhh, I'm just getting started. Third,....
Xena rolls her eyes and groans as the two of the walk off into the sunset.
Curtain closes and the Looney Tunes theme revs up.
JOXER: (pokes his head out and stutters) Th..th..th.th...th..th..
Gabrielle runs across the screen and punches him in the face, breaking his nose. She turns, bows, and then runs back out.
The End......of the beginning.
Be here next week when we'll hear Xena say: "Not tonight Gabrielle. I have a headache."
So, tune in next time folks. Doctor's orders.
Dr. Bob
Greetings Folks!
The Doctor....is in.
Disclaimer: Hmm?...er,okay. Here's one. "Damnit Cathbad, I'm a doctor! Not a pez dispenser!" How's that?
Anyway, this episode may have some adult themes to it. Remember, to be forewarned is to have four arms.
On with the show...
Xena and Gabrielle are seated around a small campfire [bear with me people] as dusk begins to descend over the New Zeal...Greek landscape.
GABRIELLE: This sucks!!
XENA: What?
GABRIELLE: Being animated! Look at us. We look ridiculous. We look like Looney Tune rejects!! (stands and looks around) Look at this scenery! None of it moves. Look, over there at that squirrel. He's been sitting on that rock for the past two hours with that stupid grin. He's part of the backdrop for crying out loud. Watch. (she bends over, picks up a stone, and throws it at the squirrel, hitting it square in the face) See? He didn't even move!
XENA: Don't you think you're over reacting?
GABRIELLE: No, I don't.
XENA: At least we got to keep our real voices and didn't get stuck with some Mel Blanc wannabe.
GABRIELLE: (nodding) I suppose it could be worse. We could've ended up like that guy.
Xena looks toward the nearby road and watches as Marc Singer, dressed in a loin cloth and flipping through the want-ads, walks past followed by a tiger, two ferrets, a hawk, three goats, a penguin, a giraffe, two chickens, a wombat, and a Komodo dragon.
XENA: I guess you're right. (shaking her head) Boy, they should've stopped at the first one.
GABRIELLE: Tell me about it. Tanya Roberts was the only reason I watched it all the way through.
Xena gives her a puzzled look.
GABRIELLE: I still say we oughta...(scratches her chest and then gets a funny look on her face. She pulls her top back and looks down) Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!!
XENA: Who?
GABRIELLE: Uggghh! I don't even have nipples anymore!!
XENA: What? (likewise looks down to her own chest. She then turns around and begins fooling with her skirt and armor) Okay, that does it! (stands and shouts towards the sky) I don't know who's running things, but if you want us to keep up this little spoof of yours, how about at least making us anatomically correct?!
GABRIELLE: Yeah! No satirization without accurate representation!
XENA: (turns to Gabrielle) What?!
GABRIELLE: (staring upwards) LOOK OUT!!
Xena looks up and then ducks as a torrent of multi-colored paint splashes over them and the entire area. Eventually, the excess washes away, revealing the new Manga-style animation.
GABRIELLE: (opens her eyes and looks around) Heeeeey?! Not bad. Not bad at all. Kinda has a Masamune Shirow, 'Ghost in the Shell' feel to it.
XENA: (looking under her armor) Well, everything seems to be where it should be.
As Gabrielle turns and looks towards Xena, she falls backwards onto her butt and takes in a deep breath.
XENA: (comes over, concerned) Gabrielle, are you okay? What is it?
GABRIELLE: (stares up at her dreamily) You're BEAUTIFUL.
They both look towards the road and see a man pushing a vendor's wagon.
GABRIELLE: (hops up and heads towards the road) C'mon, I'm starved.
As they approach, the man smiles broadly and welcomes his new customers.
FALAFEL: Good evening ladies. Can I interest you in perhaps a fine delicacy or two from my vast selection.
GABRIELLE: (licking her lips) Whatta ya got?
FALAFEL: Well, I just made a fresh batch of these. (pulls back a cloth) They're called... 'burritos'.
GABRIELLE: (scoops up an armful and grabs a bottle labeled 'tequila') Uh..Xena? You'll take care of this, right? (she walks back over to the fire without waiting for an answer)
Xena picks out a few apples off the cart and hands Falafel a handful of coins.
FALAFEL: Are you sure you don't want to try a burrito? The meat is very, very fresh. (grinning broadly)
XENA: (arches her brow) How fresh?
FALAFEL: Well, I met a man just back down the road a ways. Made me a great deal. (shrugs) It was meat on the hoof...and the paw, and the claw.
Xena walks back to the fire and finds Gabrielle already on her third burrito.
A little tequila and about a dozen burritos later...
GABRIELLE: (leaning back and patting her belly) Who-ah! That was some good eats. Thanks again for treating. Listen, when are we gonna see about gettin' me a horse?
XENA: (sighs and looks over towards her) We've tried Gabrielle. You DO remember what happened to the last horse we got for you.
Gabrielle mumbles something softly.
XENA: I'm sorry. What was that.
GABRIELLE: I.....accidently killed it with your chakram.
XENA: Uh-huh, and the one before that?
GABRIELLE: I..drove it off a cliff.
XENA: And the one before that?
GABRIELLE: I accidently killed IT with your chakram.
XENA: And the one before that?
GABRIELLE: I fed him a handful of hemlock.
XENA: No, that was the one BEFORE that. Let's see, the other one you...
GABRIELLE: (coming over to sit by her side) Okay, okay. You've made your point.
XENA: Gabrielle, there simply aren't that many horses in New Zeala...Greece.
GABRIELLE: (puts her arm around Xena and hands her the bottle of tequila) It's okay. I just want to tell you...how much I appreciate everything you've done for me. You know, you really mean a lot to me. What I'm trying to say is...(sniffles) I love you man!
XENA: (stares across the fire) You're not getting my horse Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE: (sighs as she stands) Fine. Figured it was worth a shot.
XENA: (watches as Gabrielle picks up a scroll, places it under her arm, and starts walking towards the treeline) Where are you going?
GABRIELLE: (hollers over her shoulder) I'm going see a man about a horse. (starts laughing)
Xena stares into the fire for awhile, weighing the pros and cons of her new traveling companion. She suddenly looks up as she hears a commotion coming from the forest where Gabrielle had gone. She stands slowly and draws her sword as the bushes begin shaking violently. She then watches in shock as a multitude of animals bolt out of the forest and run straight past her, fleeing for their very lives. She stares in disbelief as an immense hydra runs past with its tail between its legs, whimpering like a puppy. She slowly draws nearer to the forest's edge, fearful of Gabrielle's fate.
GABRIELLE: (suddenly steps into the clearing) WOOOOOO!! (waving an arm behind her) DO NOT go into that side of the forest.
Xena sheathes her sword and grumbles as they return to the fire.
GABRIELLE: You know? I've been thinking about what I want to do with my life. About what I want to accomplish.
Xena chuckles.
GABRIELLE: Well? What does the great Xena think is best in life?
XENA: (stares stoically across the flames) To crush your enemies! See them driven before you! And to hear the lamentation of their women!
GABRIELLE: (raises her eyebrows) Okay. No more tequila for you. (takes back the bottle and finally notices something floating around inside near the bottom) What the hell is that? (spins the bottle around trying to determine what it is)
XENA: Seriously? I don't know. I still have a lot to make up for. I mean, I did some pretty wicked $#!+ in my day. I guess basically, when all is said and done, I wanna be remembered for the good things and not the bad. Know what I mean?
GABRIELLE: (still messing with the tequila) Huh? Uh...yeah. (starts chugging the contents of the bottle trying to get to the small lump at the bottom)
XENA: Someday, hopefully I'll find someone to settle down with. Someone that I can spend the rest of my life with.
GABRIELLE: (finishes off the tequila and then spits out the soft object into her hand) Ewwwww!? It's a bug! (tosses it into the fire and watches as it ignites in a tiny fireball. She smiles as she suddenly gets an idea)
XENA:...someone whom I care about, and cares about me. Maybe, someone that I've gotten a lot closer..... Gabrielle? What are you doing?
GABRIELLE: (giggling uncontrolably as she leans backwards with her legs over her head) I am Prometheus, the giver of fire! (she lowers a lit branch near her butt)
XENA: (her eyes going wide) Gabrielle...DON'T...YOU...DARE...
GABRIELLE: (laughing) FIRE IN THE HOLE.....{WHOOOOFFF!!!}
A short while later....
Gabrielle's lying on her stomach with her skirt hiked up around her waist as Xena rubs burn cream over her slightly scorched rear.
GABRIELLE: (wincing) Ooo.. Ow! I guess in retrospect..Ouch! Maybe that wasn't...Ow! such a great idea..Ow!
XENA: (grinning) What? You mean your little Mt. Vulcan imitation? Between all those burritos and the tequila, you're lucky you didn't kill me, you, AND Argo.
GABRIELLE: I've learned my lesson.
XENA: (suddenly feeling sympathetic for her friend as she continues her ministrations. She asks sincerely..) Does it hurt much?
GABRIELLE: (smiling back over her shoulder) Actually,...it kinda feels...pretty nice.
XENA: (grins down at the half-naked girl) Really? (leans closer and whispers) Well, how about....
And that's just about all we have time for folks. Tune in next week when we'll see Xena having horse troubles. Here's a clip....
Xena is chasing Callisto, again, on horseback somewhere in the lush forests of New Zeal...Greece. Xena grins wickedly as she draws ever closer to her arch-nemesis. Suddenly, Callisto makes a sudden sharp, 90 degree turn down a side path. Argo continues galloping full speed, straight ahead.
XENA: (pulling on the reins) Whoa... Whoa!! Argo whoa!! ARGO!! WHOA!! Aw c'mon, please whoa!!
The horse doesn't stop.
XENA: (getting angry) Damnit! When I say WHOA...I.. MEAN... WHOA! (hits the animal three times on the side of the neck, cutting off the blood to its brain and dropping it in its tracks)
Xena does a forward somersault and lands nimbly on her feet. She walks over and releases the animal. Argo lies on her side, panting, with her tongue hanging out.
XENA: (staring down with her hands on her hips) That'll learn ya! You idgit horse.
So, be here next time true believers. Doctor's orders.
Dr. Bob
Greetings Folks!
I'm going back home for the weekend, but I figured I'd leave you'll something to chew on. Here's a short trailer reel of coming attractions....
Coming soon...
{The gratuitous lake scene.}
XENA: Go ahead Gabrielle. Reach under this rock and grab the fish.
GABRIELLE: (moving closer) Uhh..Xena? I don't think that's a rock.
XENA: (grinning) I'll let you in on a secret. That ain't no fish either.
(The long awaited animated version of the episode: "Is There A Doctor In the House?"
GABRIELLE: Xena, I think this man's heart has stopped. I can't feel a pulse.
XENA: (puts on a pair of heavy-duty rubber gloves and grabs an electric eel out of a nearby bucket) CLEAR!!
GABRIELLE: huh?...{BBRRRZZZTTT!}..AAHHHHH!!
(More gratuitous lake scenes.}
GABRIELLE: (smiling impishly) Xena? You know, I think I saw a lake a little ways back there. (winking)
XENA: (sighs) Give it a rest Gabrielle. We must be the two cleanest people in all of New Zeal...Greece.
(The animated slant on the classic episode: "The Path Not Taken.")
Xena and Gabrielle are walking down a small trail when they see a sign ahead. It reads...
Warning- Private Property
Trespassers Will Be Violated
GABRIELLE: (looking up to Xena) You wanna risk it?
They suddenly hear giggling and the opening riff to 'Dueling Banjos' coming from the bushes up ahead.
XENA: (shaking her head) I don't think so. We'll go back.
(The summer blockbuster event... XENA VS. PREDATOR or as I call it, the shortest post in history.)
Here's a preview...
XENA: AEYIYIYI....{ZAPP!!}
The End
Well, I guess that was more than just a preview. That was pretty much it.
Stay tuned for these, and other, exciting episodes on...
Xena: The Animated Adventures
Dr. Bob
Greetings People!
The Doctor...is in....the house.
Disclaimer: [voice over by Dennis Franz] The following police drama contains violence, partial nudity, and adult language. Viewer discretion is advised.
As we join out intrepid duo, Gabrielle and Xena are approaching the town of Auckland and the foreboding castle therein.
GABRIELLE: Xena, explain to me again why we're going to the castle.
XENA: (sighs) Gabrielle, you mean you've forgotten already?
GABRIELLE: No, it just seems like a logical way to explain to the viewers what we're doin' here.
XENA: Very well. But listen carefully, for I shall say zis only once. I recently learned that there's another batch of ambrosia hidden in the catacombs underneath that castle. I figure we can sneak in, find it, and be out without anyone noticing.
GABRIELLE: You intend to destroy the ambrosia so it won't fall into the wrong hands.
XENA: HAH! I ain't makin' dat mistake again. I'm gonna make a big bowl o' ambrosia gumbo, chere. I GUA-RAN-TEE!
GABRIELLE: You think...maybe...I'd be able to have some?
XENA: (looks down to her friend) Oh...I guess. Just don't ruin your appetite, okay?
GABRIELLE: Aw c'mon Xena. There's always room for ambrosia.
The two sneak onto the grounds and then into the inner recesses of the castle itself. As they walk cautiously through the dark passageways, Xena in the lead, Gabrielle notices a small basket, labeled 'Free Nutbread', suspended from a rope which leads upward and disappears into the darkness.
GABRIELLE: (grinning impishly) If I dooed it, I det a whippin'. (smiles and nods) I dooed it. (reaches up and yanks on the rope)
XENA: (turning around too late) No Gabrielle, don't...
The floor suddenly drops away as Gabrielle and Xena plummet into the darkness. After what seems an eternity, the two finally land on the floor of a large audience chamber, surrounded by armed guards. They both look towards the raised dais at the end of the large room and spot a statuesque woman with dark hair, wearing a translucent gown, seated on a large throne. As the guards lead them closer, they recognize the woman as Julie Strain.
XENA: How'd YOU get this job? I thought it was supposed to be...
JULIE: Yeah. I know. Monique Gabrielle. The switch was made to avoid name confusion. (stepping into character) So, the two of you were snooping around in my castle. I can't believe the nutbread trap actually worked.
Xena gives Gabrielle a look.
JULIE: What were you two doing in my castle anyway?
GABRIELLE: Looking for am..(Xena kicks her in the shin) ..OW! Uhh..Amway. Yeah, that's it. We're Amway saleswomen.
JULIE: Whatever. The two of you broke the law and must be punished. (turning to one of the men near her side) Sayer of the Law, tell what happens to she who breaks the law.
SAYER: She who breaks the law must go to the house of pain.
JULIE: (turns back to the man and whispers) Didn't the house of pain burn down last week?
SAYER: (whispers back) Gee, you're right. I forgot about that.
JULIE: (turns back to Xena and Gabrielle) In an act of compassion, I shall spare the two of you a trip to the house of pain. To gain your freedom, I will give you two choices. You may either fight in gladiatorial combat in our arena, or the two of you can spend one night in my private chambers as my personal 'slaves', seeing to my 'needs', shall we say. (grins down at Gabrielle)
From the tone of the woman's voice and the look on her face, it's obvious to Xena what the queen had in mind. She looks across to Gabrielle, who's blushing and smiling back shyly at the woman on the throne.
JULIE: Well, what is your choice?
XENA: (THE look) Which way to the arena?
GABRIELLE: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, I'd MUCH rather fight.
JULIE: What a pity. Oh well. Captain, lead them to the arena.
Xena and Gabrielle follow the guard captain down a long passageway. As they get closer to the end, they can hear the noise of the assembled spectators.
GABRIELLE: Boy, they sure gathered a crowd real quick.
CAPTAIN: You're lucky. It's league night.
GABRIELLE: (turning to her friend) Xena, what do you think they'll make us fight? Lions? Minotaurs?
XENA: I don't know. Just stick close to me.
The three of them stop as they reach a large entryway leading into a huge darkened chamber. The crowd's murmurs echo through the cavernous area.
CAPTAIN: Wait here. (turns and walks back up the passageway)
Suddenly, a couple of spotlights begin circling around the arena as a chorus of trumpets blare loudly over the ecstatic cheers of the spectators. The spotlights finally converge in the center where a short guy in a toga stands. Gabrielle and Xena watch as he raises a loud-talking-thing to his lips and begins shouting.
MIKE: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Gladiator Arena! I'm your host, Mike Adamle. Unlike my former co-host Larry Czonka, who had the sense to get outta this chicken-$#!+-outfit, it looks like I'll be here till the day I die. But enough about my problems, it's time to meet your....ANCIENT GLADIATORS!!
The spotlights move to a large door at the opposite side of the arena as the trumpets blare and the crowd goes wild.
MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, the bitch...is back! It's....CALLISTO!
Gabrielle and Xena watch as Calisto, bound in chains and wearing a Hannibal Lector mask, is rolled out on a dolly. She's screaming and foaming at the mouth.
GABRIELLE: (looking up at Xena) Right thing to do huh? I told you you shoulda killed her when you had the chance.
MIKE: First up for the men, the guy who takes no bull........TAURUS!
Gabrielle and Xena stare in shock as her brother runs out from the doorway in a goofy costume with his hands near his temples and his fingers pointed up like horns. He runs around like a bull.
GABRIELLE: (on the verge of hysterical laughter) I don't believe it!! Your own brother!? THIS is what he's decided to do with his life?! What a loser! (holds her sides as she falls back against the wall, laughing to tears)
MIKE: Now, let's welcome that feisty farmer's daughter from Potedeia.....LILLA!
Gabrielle stops laughing as she watches her sister prance around in a matching goofy costume.
XENA: (looking down to Gabrielle) You were saying? (grabs Gabrielle and drags her back down the corridor) Let's get outta here before anyone realizes we're related to those two.
GABRIELLE: Where are we going?
XENA: To the Queen's chambers.
GABRIELLE: (smiling) You know? I noticed she really didn't look that bad.
XENA: (gives Gabrielle a wry grin) Yeah, I noticed you noticed.
MIKE: Next up, the bloody one himself....Ja, Ja, Ja, JOXER!!
Later that evening, in the Queen's chambers...
Gabrielle and Xena are on all fours.
GABRIELLE: (turns to Xena, nearly sobbing) Oh Xena, this is so degrading. I didn't know it would be like this.
XENA: (leans closer, trying to comfort her) I know Gabrielle. Just, try not to think about it and it'll be over quicker.
JULIE: (walking over) NO talking slaves! Ugggh! Look, you missed a spot! Do I need to get down there and clean that floor myself!?
XENA & GABRIELLE: No.
JULIE: What was that?!
XENA & GABRIELLE: No mistress.
JULIE: Well, hurry up with the scrubbing. I have lots of other chores for the two of you. (walking over to the royal wardrobe) At least you finally hung up all my... What is THIS?! (pulling one of the robes out) WIRE hangers?! How many times do I have to tell you? NO WIRE HANGERS!! (starts pulling out all the clothes and throwing them all over the floor as she continues to shout hysterically)
XENA: Hey!! Relax, we'll take care of it.
The Queen takes a deep breath and regains her composure.
GABRIELLE: (suddenly bolts up onto her knees and stares wide-eyed at the door) Someone's at the door. Someone's at the door. Someone's at the door. Someone's at the door. Someone's at the door....
JULIE: (looking from Gabrielle to Xena) What's wrong with her?
XENA: (shrugs) I don't know.
A soft knock is then heard at the door, causing both women to turn in mild alarm.
JULIE: Enter!
The door opens to reveal Gary Coleman in servant's robes.
JULIE: Ahh, it's just my...HUH?!?
The Queen, Xena, and Gabrielle each pull out a script and begin going over them.
Suddenly, Gary Cole steps up in matching servant's robes. He shoves Gary Coleman out of the way.
COLE: Beat it runt. They asked for Gary Cole, NOT Gary Coleman. (nods and smiles to the three women in the room) Ladies.
JULIE: (stepping back into character) Ahh, it's just my kitchen servant. Uhh...Puck.
COLE: That's Buck. With a B.
JULIE: Whatever. You can take away the dinner plates now. That'll be all for the evening Fu...
COLE: That's Buck. With a B. (picks up the plates)
Gabrielle begins to cry.
JULIE: NOW what's wrong?!
GABRIELLE: (sniffling) I didn't get any dessert.
JULIE: (looks down at the unfinished slab of meatloaf on her plate) You didn't eat your meat!! If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding!! How can you have any pudding, if you don't eat your meat?!
The Queen continues to holler down at Gabrielle as Cole hastily leaves the room.
XENA: (looks across at Gabrielle in tears) Oh that's it!! (stands and removes her pair of yellow Playtex gloves)
JULIE: And just where do you think YOU'RE going?! The two of you still have to snake the drains.
XENA: (gives her THE stare and says menacingly) Don't you EVER, make my friend cry again.
Gabrielle watches as Xena then lays out the Queen with a right cross that woulda made Ali proud. [I mean, back when he was in his prime. Nowadays, he's proud if he can just color inside the lines.]
XENA: (extends a hand down to Gabrielle) C'mon, we're leaving.
GABRIELLE: (taking off her gloves) But what about the ambrosia?
XENA: Ambrosia...Spambrosia. Ain't NOTHIN' worth this. (smiles tenderly and wipes the tears from Gabrielle's cheeks) I tell you what. How about we go into town, and I'll buy you all the pudding you can eat.
GABRIELLE: (clapping her hands) Goody!
The two walk out arm-in-arm.
The curtain drops as the Looney Tune theme starts up.
JOXER: (pokes his head out, looks around, and then starts to stutter) Th.. th..th... thi... th..
GABRIELLE: (voice over) Don't MAKE me break my foot off in yo' ass!!
Joxer quickly ducks back behind the curtain.
Alas my friends, we've reached the end of yet another grand adventure. Be here next time when we'll hear Xena say...
XENA: (turning to Gabrielle) Gee Ward, you were a little rough on the beaver last night.
So, tune in folks. Doctor's orders.
Dr. Bob, I have seen the fork, and it is good.
Greetings Folks!
The Doctor...is in.
Disclaimer: "I will not eat green eggs and spam!" You know me. You know my humor. Nuff said.
Xena and Gabrielle walk off the road into a nearby clearing. Both are covered in foul smelling mud and very pis...miffed.
XENA: (shouting and waving her arms) Of all the STUPID, LAME-BRAINED, IDIOTIC, DIM-WITTED, STUPID...
GABRIELLE: You already said stupid!
XENA: Well, it bears repeating! Gabrielle, you've done some dumb things before, but this took the cake.
GABRIELLE: (grumbling)
XENA: (in an impression of Gabrielle's voice) `Look Xena, I've found a shortcut. Follow me.'
GABRIELLE: Well how the hell was I supposed to know it was quicksand?!?
XENA: Duh!? How about the big sign that said `DANGER-QUICKSAND' in bright red letters!!
GABRIELLE: (balling her fists at her side) I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T SEE IT DAMNIT!!
XENA: Gabrielle, I won't always be around...
GABRIELLE: Promises, promises.
XENA: I'm serious! You have to be more alert. Act, don't react. Remember?!
GABRIELLE: WONK! WONK! WONK! You sound like Charlie Brown's freakin' teacher!
XENA: Who?! Look Gabrielle, I figured you would appreciate some advice from someone of my experience!
GABRIELLE: Well EXCUUUUSE ME!! (sarcastically) I can't compare with the great XENA, WARRIOR PRINCESS......Who never met a village she didn't burn.
XENA: (stares at Gabrielle incredulously) You....BITCH!!
GABRIELLE: COW!!
XENA: VIRGIN!!
GABRIELLE: Aww...KISS MY ARSE!! (starts walking away)
XENA: Where are you going?!
GABRIELLE: (yelling over her shoulder) I think I'll go see if I can get a job on `Space Ghost: Coast to Coast'. I heard he and Zorak had a falling out!
XENA: Fine!! Go ahead! I'll start looking for a new sidekick. I understand Beavis is thinking about branching out.
GABRIELLE: (turns back and hollers) Is that what you want?! Some dinky teenager following you around, making stupid comments, and staring at your ass all the time!
XENA: (shrugs) And that would be different from you....how?
GABRIELLE: Well it's kinda hard to avoid staring at your ass considering it's SO HUGE!!
XENA: (steps closer to Gabrielle) One of these days, Gabrielle... One of these days.. BANG! ZOOM!
They both hear laughter coming from the other side of the clearing. They turn to see Ares standing there with his arms crossed.
********* Fade to commercial....
The camera follows Xena and Gabrielle fleeing frantically through the streets of some ancient bustling city. Xena wears an expression of fear never before seen on the woman's face. They bolt into a darkened alley, looking back over their shoulders. Gabrielle starts to speak, but Xena places her hand over the girl's mouth. She shakes her head. She looks around and finally leads Gabrielle through the back door of a local tavern. The two make their way through the darkened room towards a corner table. Finally, they breathe easy.
XENA: (panting) I think we lost him. We'll rest here awhile.
GABRIELLE: (leaning back, also panting) Xena, we've been running non-stop for two days. We nearly killed Argo getting here. I'm sure we left him behind a long time ago.
XENA: (smiles to her friend and places a hand on hers) You're right. Let's get something...
Xena stops in mid-sentence as she and Gabrielle stare up in stark terror at the newly arrived figure standing before them.
GABRIELLE: (whispering as she clenches Xena's hand) By the gods. He's found us!
JOXER: (in a giant penguin suit) Ladies? How's the Bud Ice? (hums) DooBeee.. DooBeeDooo... DooDooBee....
XENA & GABRIELLE: AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
The two turn and run straight through the back wall, leaving perfect cookie-cutter holes in the stone.
{voiceover} Beware of the penguin.
********* Fade in
They both hear laughter coming from the other side of the clearing. They turn to see Ares standing there with his arms crossed.
ARES: Well it's about time Xena. I can see the old you trying to break free. Get rid of the pipsqueak and come back to my side. She's been holding you back for too long. You know you want to be evil again.
Suddenly, Darth Vader appears to his left.
DARTH: Xena, Taurus never told you. I...am your father.
XENA: Who the hell are you?!?
DARTH: (holding out his hand) Come Xena. Join me. Come to the Dark Side.
The Emperor appears to Ares' right.
EMPEROR: Yes Warrior Princess. Strike down your little friend with all of your hate and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete.
ARES: (turns to the two of them) Excuse me guys? I'm trying to work here. Why don't you go bother Hercules.
GABRIELLE: (turns to Xena) Xena, what's happening to us? Why have we been fighting?
XENA: (puts her hand on Gabrielle's shoulder) I think I understand now. Gabrielle, do you know how when women start living around each other...well, they start to become...`in sync'.. I mean... their cycles start to...
GABRIELLE: (realization dawns on her as she takes Xena's hand) You too? I've been puffy all day. Oh Xena, I don't want us to fight anymore. (smiles sheepishly) I'm sorry about what I said about your ass.
XENA: (smiles tenderly) It's okay. Hey, I seem to recall there's a lake a little ways back down the road.
GABRIELLE: (smiles back and winks) C'mon.
The two walk back down the road arm in arm.
GABRIELLE: Xena, was that man your father?
XENA: I don't think so. I don't remember my father having asthma.
ARES: Damnit to Hades!! I was so close. (turns to see Darth and the Emperor staring at him blankly) Hey, you guys wanna go drown some puppies or something?
EMPEROR: Sure
DARTH: Sounds like fun.
ARES: (puts his arms around their shoulders as they walk up the road) I know this great place, all the puppies you can carry. (turns to Darth) Mind if I give you some advice? Lay off the cigarettes. You sound like an espresso machine.
Curtain closes as the Looney Tune theme starts.
Joxer runs out from the left side, in a giant penguin suit, and stands center stage.
JOXER: (stuttering) Th.. Th. Th.. Th... That's....{THONK!}
A hurled staff from offstage whacks him in the head, knocking him cold.
(Gabrielle voiceover) Beware of the bard.
Well true believers, c'est finis. Be here next time when we'll see Xena and Gabrielle break up a child slavery ring. Here's a preview...
Gabrielle and Xena sneak closer to the "abandoned" warehouse. They make their way to a grimy window and peer inside. They stare, shocked at what they see. Dozens of children, malnourished and dressed in rags, working diligently at small spinning wheels, making a variety of gaudy looking togas.
GABRIELLE: (whispering) Xena, this is awful. Who could do such a thing?
XENA: I don't know, but...look, over there.
Gabrielle looks back inside and spots a woman with red hair pacing across the room. She's wearing a toga with `Carnival Cruise Lines' written across it. She's also carrying a coiled bullwhip in her hands.
KLG: (sneering) Faster you little bastards! (cracks the whip over their heads) Cody needs a new pair of sandals! (as the children begin to cry, she laughs maniacally and then goes into a chorus number..) If they could see me now, on...
GABRIELLE: Xena, it's HORRIBLE what she's doing to these poor children.
XENA: I know. The lack of food, the filthy living conditions, not even a 401K plan.
GABRIELLE: (her hands over her ears) Well, actually, I was talking about the singing.
XENA: (gets THE look as she draws her sword) Don't worry. It ends, NOW.
Camera does a quick pan left to Michael Buffer, wearing a black toga.
MIKE: (raises a loud-talking-thing to his lips) LET'S.. GET READY....TO RUMBLE!!!
Dr. Bob
