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by Joanna
JSandsmark@aol.com
Editor's Note: Please don't have any liquid near your keyboard for this. Tom's Fan Fiction Page will not accept responsibility for any damage to keyboards.
Disclaimer: There is mention of a relationship between two women. If you are offended by this please read another story.
INT. HONEYMOON SUITE - NIGHT
PAN a sumptuous (for ancient Greece) room with a heart-shaped
pallet. There's a hot tub in one corner, a huge gift basket of kiwi
fruit, a flagon of wine and a balcony with a view. Xena and
Gabrielle enter, still dressed in their wedding apparel (Gabrielle
in a bridal gown, Xena in a tight-fitting leather tuxedo which
shows huge expanses of both legs and cleavage) and are followed
by a bellhop lugging their saddle bags, Gabrielle's pouch thingee
and a gigantic bundle of wedding gifts. He puts it all down, Xena
flips him a dinar.
XENA
Remember what I told you -- under
no circumstances are you to let a
large group of Poteidaian villagers
anywhere near our room.
BELLHOP
Got it. You can count on me, your
ex-warlordship.
The bellhop leaves.
GABRIELLE
Oh look, Xena! A hot tub! This place
is amazing!
XENA
I'm so glad you like it. It's the deluxe
honeymoon suite. I spared no expense,
thanks to our seemingly inexhaustible
supply of dinars.
GABRIELLE
It's magnificent!
Xena eyes her bride.
XENA
As are you, Gabrielle. You're so
beautiful.
GABRIELLE
Thank you, Xena. And you take my
breath away. That tux is stunning,
what there is of it. I can't wait to
get it off you.
The two are about to kiss when they hear chanting beneath
their balcony.
CHORUS (O.S.)
Hey Xena! Gabrielle! Can you hear
us if we yell?
The newlyweds cross to the balcony and find themselves staring
at the Poteidaian Greek Chorus.
XENA
How many times do I have to tell
you idiots to get lost? We're on
our honeymoon for Aphrodite's sake!
GABRIELLE
It's my wedding night! I can't have
all my old neighbors watching me
on my wedding night! Xena, please,
KILL THE FURKIN' CHORUS!
XENA
(to chorus)
She's a little testy. We haven't, that
is, we held off for awhile to make
this night kinda special.
CHORUS
Make it special! Make it great! Invite
us in to celebrate! We'll help out!
Without a doubt! But we'll go hoarse
if we have to shout!
GABRIELLE
Hmmm... There's our answer, Xena!
They'll all go hoarse and we'll be
alone. C'mon, let's get in the hot tub.
XENA
I'm right behind you.
CHORUS
But wait! We're not dopes! We bought
you fancy, fish-shaped soaps! Oh please!
We have many knacks -- we'll give
massages as we wash your backs!
Xena closes the curtains across the balcony and tests the water
in the hot tub.
XENA
Oooh, steamy!
GABRIELLE
How's your head?
XENA
Fine. I drank enough cups of that
stuff made from the brown beans
to kill off the wine.
GABRIELLE
I'm glad you had those beans with
you. Where did you get them?
Xena grows suddenly intense, her face showing her pain. A
swell of music and the voices of the Bulgarian Women's choir
can be heard.
BULGARIAN WOMEN
(singing as under)
Pozora ia izgori povetche
Ot hiliada udara...
XENA
Ten winters ago, my army was
attacked by--
GABRIELLE
Hold on just a minute.
The music stops abruptly and Xena goes back to normal.
XENA
What?
GABRIELLE
Did everything happen to you ten
winters ago?
XENA
It was a big winter.
GABRIELLE
But what about maybe five winters
ago? Nothing happened?
XENA
Just miscellaneous warlord stuff.
Not worth mentioning.
GABRIELLE
Seven winters ago?
XENA
Same old, same old.
GABRIELLE
Uh huh. But ten winters ago you
defended Amphipolis from Cortese,
became a warlord, fought the Horde,
had a kid, burned Cyrra, had about
fifty affairs, met Caesar, got
engaged, fought the centaurs,
fought the battle of Corinth --
Stop me anytime...
XENA
No, it all happened. Ten winters ago.
Big, big winter.
GABRIELLE
It's funny. I never questioned your
being able to leap up the side of
a fifty foot tree, but I'm finding
this 'ten winters ago' thing hard
to swallow. Oh well. Finish your
story about the beans.
Xena gets intense and shows her pain again. Music swells,
Bulgarians sing.
BULGARIAN WOMEN
(singing as under)
Pozora ia izgori povetche
Ot hiliada udara
Tova rasbi duha I
Da ia ubie...
XENA
Ten winters ago my army was
attacked by a ship from the west.
It came out of the rising sun and--
GABRIELLE
Just a second here...
Again, the music stops abruptly and Xena returns to normal.
XENA
What now?
GABRIELLE
The sun rises in the east. Sets in
the west. So it came out of the
setting sun.
XENA
No, it was a rising sun. Things were
different back then. Ten winters ago,
the sun rose in the west and set in
the east.
GABRIELLE
Uh huh. And when did things change
to the present pattern?
XENA
Ten summers ago.
GABRIELLE
Of course. Go on with your story.
Xena is in pain, music swells, Bulgarians sing.
BULGARIAN WOMEN
(singing as under)
Pozora ia izgori povetche
Ot hiliada udara
Tova rasbi duha I
Da ia ubie
Ia pravi po silna, po silna...
XENA
Ten winters ago my army was
attacked by a ship from the west.
It came out of the rising sun and
on it were people who looked strange
and spoke in a language unknown to
any in our world--
GABRIELLE
Hate to interrupt again, but...
Music stops, Xena is annoyed.
XENA
For crying out loud, Gabrielle. Now
what?
GABRIELLE
Sorry. Just wanted to check on
something.
Gabrielle goes over to the closet and opens it. Stuffed inside
are several Bulgarian women and some musicians.
GABRIELLE
Okay -- everybody out. We just
got rid of one chorus, we don't
need another. Besides, coming out
of the closet is good for you. I
know it did me a world of good.
The Bulgarian women and the musicians grumble about losing
a sweet gig, but they file out of the room.
GABRIELLE
Okay, Xena, please continue.
XENA
(mumbling)
Let's see... Ten winters, mysterious
ship, out of the west, rising sun -- ah!
Okay, got it.
Xena regains her pained, intense face.
XENA (cont'd)
These strange, foreign people carried
with them the miracle brown beans
which, when ground and boiled in
water, had many arcane effects.
I conquered these strangers from a
strange land and took their beans,
knowing that with them I possessed
a power unimaginable. Unfortunately,
the warlord Starbukus found out and--
She is interrupted by a knock on the door.
XENA (cont'd)
Now what???
GABRIELLE
Who's there?
BELLHOP
It's me! The luggage-carrying
person!
Xena opens the door. The chorus push past the bellhop and into
the room.
XENA
What in--!
(to bellhop, dangerously)
I told you not to let them near us.
BELLHOP
Oh, were *these* the Poteidaian villagers
you were talking about? I thought you
meant the *other* Poteidaian villagers.
XENA
What other Poteidaian villagers?
CHORUS
We lied! We lied! He seemed real
stupid so we tried!
BELLHOP
Hey!
CHORUS
No lip! No lip! That's why we gave
you that big tip!
BELLHOP
Oh, right. Forgot.
(holds up a heavy bag
of dinars)
Yeah, I'm *real* stupid, all right...
The bellhop exits to live out his dream of buying exotic
cheeses. The chorus looks around.
CHORUS
Great room! So deluxe! The closet they
gave us really sucks!
GABRIELLE
So you were in the closet, too? Must
be something going around...
XENA
I don't give a minotaur's ass what your
accommodations are. You're not staying
here.
CHORUS
Xena, no! Don't make us go! We'll be
real quiet, we'll lay low!
GABRIELLE
You? Quiet? Ha!
CHORUS
Look who's talking! A bard who's always
sqawking!
GABRIELLE
Look, you. I don't sqawk, got that? And
FYI -- I don't whine or giggle, either,
so I'm certainly not going to sqawk!
It would be sooo out of character.
Why, no one would ever take me seriously
again. So no more talk of squawking!
CHORUS
Chill out, Gab! We have no talent. It's
hard to rhyme 'talk' so don't get all bent.
GABRIELLE
Walk. Balk. Hawk--
XENA
Uh, Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE
Gawk-- Yeah, Xena?
XENA
Shouldn't we be figuring out how
to get rid of them, as opposed to
giving them pointers on their poetry?
GABRIELLE
Oh. Right.
(to chorus)
Buy a thesaurus and look up ways
to say goodbye.
CHORUS
Ooooh, how effective! Such vituperative
invective!
XENA
Maybe if we don't pay any attention to
them they'll get bored and go bug some
other newlywed-female-warrior/bard
combo.
GABRIELLE
Worth a shot.
TIME DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. HONEYMOON SUITE - NIGHT
Xena and Gabrielle are in the hot tub. Several of the chorus
members are on a bucket brigade, keeping the water hot. Others
wash the women with large sponges and fancy fish soaps.
XENA
Funny. This isn't exactly how I
pictured our honeymoon.
GABRIELLE
It's close. I did see us in a beautiful
room and we were both soapy, wet
and naked. I just hadn't foreseen all
my old neighbors circling us like
middle-aged voyeurs.
CHORUS
(staring lasciviously)
We're closing our eyes! We can't see
at all! Feel free to rise, making
sparkling droplets fall...
XENA
All right, I've had it. Enough's enough!
GABRIELLE
What are you going to do?
XENA
First, I'm going to make sure everyone
sees my bare back. Then I'm going to
wring my hair out in slow motion. And
when I'm done with that, I'm going to
go on a murderous rampage, killing
everyone in the room who isn't named
Gabrielle.
The chorus whips out documents showing they all had their
names legally changed to Gabrielle that very afternoon.
XENA (cont'd)
Okaaaaay... Time for Plan B.
CHORUS
Oh my! Oh me! She has a Plan B!
Wish we'd thought of that before
we changed things legally!
CUT TO:
SCENE DELETED BY NETWORK CENSOR
CUT TO:
INT. HONEYMOON SUITE - NIGHT
Xena and Gabrielle are on the heart-shaped pallet. They're
relaxing in each other's arms. Xena is smoking a cigarette.
GABRIELLE
Explain the burning weed thing again?
XENA
All right.
(pained and intense)
Ten winters ago, my army was attacked
by a ship that came--
GABRIELLE
On second thought, let's save that story
for another time.
XENA
Wanna know where tomatoes came from?
GABRIELLE
Does it have anything to do with being
attacked by a strange ship ten winters
ago?
XENA
Oddly enough it does...
GABRIELLE
We'll save that one, too.
XENA
How about corn? Want to hear about
corn?
GABRIELLE
You do know how to sweet-talk a girl
on her honeymoon, but no thanks.
XENA
Just checking.
GABRIELLE
(re: chorus)
They're awfully well behaved, aren't
they?
XENA
Plan B always works.
Both women look over at the corner where the entire chorus
is deeply involved in unwrapping the wedding gifts.
CHORUS
This one's from Atyminius! Dear
gods it's simply hideous!
They hold up a macrame plant holder that no human would place
in view of other eyes. No one finds it odd that a dead guy gave a
gift, however.
CHORUS (cont'd)
The next one says 'from Ephiny' --
of course! It's a negligee for Xena's
horse!
Xena and Gabrielle smile then return their attention to each
other.
GABRIELLE
Do you think we'll ever get rid of them?
XENA
Yeah. The last gift is boobytrapped.
It'll wipe them off the face of the
earth, never to be heard from again.
GABRIELLE
Really? How do you know? I mean,
the gifts were meant for us -- who'd
want to get rid of us forever?
XENA
Someone who is insanely jealous of
the fact we even exist.
GABRIELLE
But who? A warlord? One of the
people we've fought? Ares? Callisto?
XENA
Nah, think about it.
GABRIELLE
Hercules!
XENA
Yeah, but I got revenge. I substituted
henbane for his steroids.
GABRIELLE
That's what I love about you, Xena.
Always thinking.
XENA
Ah, but Chimpycheeks -- you forget!
I am first and foremost a woman of
action...
Xena grabs Gabrielle and they begin to make love again.
CHORUS
Last gift! Last gift! It's from
Herc -- awwww, and we thought
he was miffed!
As they undo the wrapping we:
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END. REALLY.
