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by Joanna
JSandsmark@aol.com
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Disclaimer: There is mention of a relationship between two women. If you are offended by this please read another story.
FADE IN:
INT. GREAT HALL - EVENING
There is a huge buffet table at one end of the room with a
beautiful ice sculpture of Xena and Gabrielle. Mounds of
exotic dishes are available. A gigantic multi-tiered wedding
cake is on display at one end of the hall. There is a five
piece band and a dance floor. The band is playing "Proud
Maryus" using a zither, pan flute, lyre, Amazon drums and
a bagpipe-like instrument. Several Bulgarian women
stand to the side doing vocals. Dining tables are packed
into the rest of the room. At the head of the room is a
long table for the bridal party.
BULGARIAN WOMEN
(singing)
Rollinszya'! Rollinszya'! Rollinszya'
downsk da Reeev-ah!
Xena and Gabrielle sit at the head table, eating. Several guests
at the tables in the back stare disconsolately at them, as they
know it will never be their turn for food.
XENA
(pointing to something on
her plate)
What's this one?
GABRIELLE
Mushki. It's lamb in grape leaves with
olives in a fish paste.
XENA
And this one?
GABRIELLE
Pekris. It's fish in grape leaves with
lamb in an olive sauce.
XENA
And this?
GABRIELLE
Spekros. It's fish and lamb in grape
leave paste with olive oil.
XENA
(looking around)
Where did the chorus go? It's
not like them to miss a chance at
making fun of me.
GABRIELLE
They're mingling. They'll be back.
XENA
I'm sure they will. Makes me want
to kill.
(realizing)
Great. Now they have *me* doing it.
GABRIELLE
Fight the urge, Xena.
XENA
Will do, Chimpycheeks.
GABRIELLE
Stop calling me that.
XENA
(pinching Gabrielle's cheek)
But it's so darn cute! Just like you,
Pookie.
GABRIELLE
How much have you had to drink?
XENA
I dunno. A flagon or two or twelve.
I lost count.
GABRIELLE
(stark terror)
Uh oh...
XENA
Waiter! More wine and keep it
coming! And bring me more of that
mushki while you're at it!
Xena chows down on mushki, downing several more
flagons of wine in the process. The chorus quietly files
up to stand behind the head table. Hercules stands up and
taps his spoon on his mug. The hall falls silent.
HERCULES
Thank you. It's time for a toast!
CHORUS
A toast for the bride! Cuz the bride
is toasted! This party has died!
Cuz it's poorly hosted!
HERCULES
I haven't even started talking yet.
Give me a chance.
CHORUS
Sorry Herc, just a quirk. We anticipate
snoring cuz we find you boring.
XENA
I said I wanted more furkin' mushki!
Hop to it, boys!
CHORUS
(about to say something, then
change their minds)
Nah, too easy. We don't wanna be cheesy.
HERCULES
As I was saying. I would like to propose
a toast to Xena and Gabrielle! Who, even
though they obviously like men--
ANGLE ON
Table Two, R.J. Stewart.
R. J. STEWART
'At's my boy!
BACK TO SCENE
HERCULES
--have found happiness in each others' arms.
May their ratings lag only slightly behind
mine forever!
CHORUS
Poor Herc, he's living in the past.
We knew his lead o'er Xena would
never last.
Dad stands up, clearing his throat.
DAD
I'd like to propose a toast to my little
girl.
(looks fondly at Gabrielle)
When you married Perdicus, I didn't
think we could possibly be more pleased.
CHORUS
I sing a song of Perdicus! The boy I
knew, the man I loved!
DAD
But now, seeing you with Xena, I realize
that no man could be more happy and
proud than I am tonight. Xena is everything
I ever wanted in a son and more!
CHORUS
I sing a song of Xena! The manipulative,
seductress I knew; the dark, haunted
warrior I love!
GABRIELLE
(misty)
Oh Daddy...!
DAD
I mean it, Sweetpea. I'm 'bout ready
to bust I'm so thrilled for the both of
you.
Xena stands up and swaggers toward Dad. A hush falls
across the room. Then she grabs him in a bear hug.
XENA
I love you, man!
CHORUS
(to Gabrielle)
What's going on? What's with her? Is
it henbane? A curse? Did a spell occur?
GABRIELLE
She's drunk. She gets very... affectionate...
when she's drunk.
CHORUS
(shouting)
Barkeep! Hurry! Xena needs more
wine! We want to be nearby when
she's feeling this fine!
Gabrielle readies her staff to keep the chorus away from
Xena when the bard is suddenly grabbed from behind by
her wife.
XENA
Let's dance, my little mushki mouth.
Everyone clears the floor so the happy couple can have
their first dance. Xena grabs Gabrielle's head and buries
it in her cleavage, then puts her hands on the bard's butt
and begins to sway as the band plays "For All We Know".
The chorus shoves the Bulgarian ladies aside and sings.
CHORUS
Love... Look at the two of them. A
Warrior and a little bard. The Moral
Majority will say -- they'll go to hell.
But ratings will swell, from day to day...
Long live the show.
CUT TO:
INT. TABLE TWO - EVENING
Sitting at one of the tables is Tyldus, Ephiny, Steve Sears,
R. J. Stewart, Callisto and a Maori bit player. Callisto has
made a sculpture of Xena out of her mushki and is busy
sticking her knife in it repeatedly.
EPHINY
(to Callisto)
What is it with you, anyway? Why
do you hate Xena so?
CALLISTO
She burned my village. Killed my mother
and my sister. She created me -- the
evil that I am.
R. J. STEWART
Well, technically, that's not true.
*I* created you--
STEVE SEARS
(sotto voce to R.J.)
Ix-nay on the ee-ated-cray...
CALLISTO
(to R.J.)
What are you talking about?
R. J. STEWART
Oh... nothing...
CALLISTO
C'mon, Bright Boy, spill it.
R. J. STEWART
Anyone wanna dance?
(looks at Ephiny)
C'mon, dance with me.
EPHINY
Not unless you have four hooves and
a tail.
TYLDUS
I have four hooves and a tail...
EPHINY
Yeah, but you're my father-in-law.
I don't want to get kinky here.
R. J. STEWART
(to Steve)
Way to go, Sears. You had to make the
cute Amazon go for four-leggers.
STEVE SEARS
(to R.J.)
How else are we supposed to get little
centaurs?
CALLISTO
(to R.J., maniacally nice)
I'll dance with you, Sweetums.
STEVE SEARS
(to R.J.)
Dance with your "daughter", Sweetums.
Before he can protest, R. J. is swept onto the dance floor
by Callisto. Soon they're joined by others. Mom and Dad
dance. Cyrene grabs Steve Sears. Hercules tangos with
Iolaus. Ephiny dances with Argo. Tyldus dances with Meg.
Diana dances with Philamon. Miss Artyphus with Salmoneus.
Ares with Lila.
ANGLE ON
Xena and Gabrielle.
XENA
I am soooo happy. Happy, happy,
happy.
Xena giggles.
CHORUS
Stop the presses! This, a mess is!
Xena chuckles, chortles, laughs and
maybe wiggles. But never, no never,
does Xena get the giggles!
XENA
(to Gabrielle)
You're so gorgeous. I'm so lucky. Lucky
and happy. Happy and lucky. Happy-go-
lucky
(she giggles. Again.)
Happy, happy, happy.
GABRIELLE
(her head in Xena's cleavage)
Mrphl fphm miffle phrap.
XENA
What did you say, Wonder Digits?
GABRIELLE
(pulling her head out)
I said, it's great to see you this happy,
but maybe you should lay off the flagons
a bit. I don't want you passing out on
our wedding night.
XENA
You said all that? Amazing.
(she buries Gabrielle in her
cleavage again)
You're so talented. Let's toast your
talent. Waiter! More wine!
CHORUS
Yoo hoo! Oh happy bri-ide! Let's dance,
Xena. Shove Gabrielle aside.
XENA
(flattered)
You wanna dance with me? How come?
CHORUS
Cuz we're great dancers and popular
at fests. And cuz we wanna put our
faces between your breasts.
XENA
That is so sweet...
The chorus offers Xena another flagon of wine.
ANGLE ON
Callisto and R.J.
CALLISTO
So... that kinda makes you my daddy?
R. J. STEWART
Not really. Well, kinda, but not really.
CALLISTO
Hmmm... This changes everything. If
you're my daddy, then my entire family
wasn't wiped out. But if that's true,
then I have no purpose anymore. I'm
going to have to ask Xena to kill you
so I don't lose my focus. Pardon me.
Callisto leaves R.J. quaking on the dance floor as she heads
toward Xena and Gabrielle to cut in. Ares approaches R.J.
and starts to dance with him.
R. J. STEWART
Hey! Cut it out!
ARES
Why? Thanks to you, *everyone* on
the show now likes men.
ANGLE ON
Ephiny dancing with Argo.
EPHINY
What makes you say it'll never work?
So what if we worship different gods...
ANGLE ON
Meg, who walks over to talk to the chorus.
MEG
So what're you clowns supposed
to be?
CHORUS
We're a chorus! A chorus! But this
wedding's begun to bore us.
MEG
Yeah? Want me to spice it up?
CHORUS
Oh please! Don't tease! We're begging
on our knees!
MEG
What do you want me to do?
CHORUS
Start a fight! All right? It'll liven
up the night!
MEG
Sorry. You got me confused with
Xena over there. I'm a tramp, not
a warrior.
Meg walks away, the chorus all slap their foreheads in unison.
CHORUS
A tramp? We're vexed! We let her go
yet we're oversexed!
ANGLE ON
Callisto plowing her way through the chorus to face Xena
and Gabrielle.
CALLISTO
Xeena.
XENA
Callisto! How are'ya old buddy?
CALLISTO
Not well. I just found out I have
a father. Sorta.
XENA
I'll drink to that! A toast to your
father!
CALLISTO
I want you to kill him.
GABRIELLE
Mie mrd moo phan murr oo moo pha?
CALLISTO
I'm sorry, dear, I didn't understand.
Gabrielle pulls her head out of Xena's cleavage with a
whoosh.
GABRIELLE
Why would you want her to do that?
CHORUS
Callisto's hatred is in trouble.
If someone loves her it bursts her
bubble.
XENA
Izzat true?
CALLISTO
Dance with me, Xena, and I'll answer.
XENA
But I'm dancing with Loverlips.
CALLISTO
Just one dance? Pretty please with
blood on top?
XENA
Hokay.
Xena lets go of Gabrielle and grabs Callisto. They
begin to waltz.
ANGLE ON
Lila, now dancing with Iolaus.
LILA
Sidekick, huh? My sister's a sidekick.
IOLAUS
It's good work if you can get it.
LILA
Oh, she's getting it, all right.
ANGLE ON
Xena and Callisto, dancing.
CALLISTO
Stop trying to lick me.
XENA
Stop leaning away.
CALLISTO
What's gotten into you?
XENA
Yer purty.
CALLISTO
Xena! Ordinarily I'd love this,
but my new daddy is watching!
ANGLE ON
R.J. Stewart.
R. J. STEWART
I wrote her to *hate* Xena, not
dance with her! Oh, kids! Kids!
Where did I go wrong?
ANGLE ON
The chorus, now all dancing with each other.
CHORUS
We're so confused. We don't know
who to bug! Our focus is diffused,
so we'll have to cut a rug.
TIME DISSOLVE TO:
INT. GREAT HALL - EVENING
Hercules is near the cake, banging on the cup again.
Everyone gives him their attention.
HERCULES
Thank you. It's time for the ceremonial
cutting of the cake. Xena and Gabrielle?
Would you please come over here?
Xena is dancing with Gabrielle again. A multitude of flagons
sit nearby, empty. Xena is way past just affectionate.
GABRIELLE
Um... Xena? We're supposed to
cut the cake.
XENA
Huh? Izzat so? Jus' a sec.
Xena grabs her chakram and throws it. It zips around
the great hall into the cake, slicing it completely into
neat little guest-sized pieces then returns to Xena.
She holds it up, frosting covering it.
XENA (cont'd)
Hey, Pookie -- wanna lick m'chakram?
GABRIELLE
I think we're supposed to stuff
cake into each others' mouths in
a traditional attempt at public
humiliation.
XENA
Hokay.
They walk over to Hercules, and proceed to shove cake
into each others' faces.
XENA (cont'd)
Mmmmm... fishcake. M'fav'rit.
GABRIELLE
With olive and grape leave frosting
-- yum.
The band begins to play. The chorus sings.
CHORUS
Where have all the warlords gone?
Long time passing. This party is a
great big yawn. Let's have a fight...
Draco and the warlords, who were seated at the last
table still haven't been called to get their food. They
weakly grab for their table knives but haven't the
strength to lift them. They all pass out en masse.
HERCULES
Time to throw the bouquet! Will
all the single women please form
a group so that Gabrielle can throw
her bouquet!
The women comply. Callisto stands in front,
elbowing women out of the way until she is there
alone. Gabrielle has her back turned, some lovely
wildflower sprigs in her hand.
GABRIELLE
Everyone ready?
CALLISTO
Here spriggy spriggy spriggy!
Gabrielle whips the bouquet behind her. It hits Callisto
in the eye, bounces off and is caught by Miss Artyphus.
CALLISTO (cont'd)
You did that on purpose!
GABRIELLE
Did not!
CALLISTO
Did so!
GABRIELLE
Not!
CALLISTO
So!
Gabrielle and Callisto run at each other and have a cat
fight, rolling around on the ground, pulling hair, biting,
scratching, etc.
CHORUS
It's a fight! You made our night!
Watch out Gabby, for Blondie's bite!
Oh joyous day! How very gay! Two
chicks wrestling 'round that way!
HERCULES
All the single men! Get ready for
Xena to throw her garter!
The men give the two fighting women wide berth and
line up. Xena puts one long leg up on a chair, slowly
removes her garter, smiling seductively, then turns
her back to the guys. She throws the garter in front
of her. It careens off several walls, decorations, and
furniture, hits Callisto, knocking her out cold until it
finally is caught by Miss Artyphus. Gabrielle staggers
over to Xena.
GABRIELLE
Thanks, Xena. She bites.
XENA
C'lishto an' I have sho mush in
comm'n.
TIME DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. GREAT HALL - NIGHT
The guests are lined up outside waiting for the bride
and bride to leave for their honeymoon. Xena staggers
out, propped up by Gabrielle and followed by the chorus.
Argo is waiting patiently, sandals and empty flagons
tied to her tail. Ephiny is whispering sweet nothings
in the horse's ear.
Xena and Gabrielle lurch past the guests who throw
chunks of nutbread at the happy couple.
XENA
(unsheathing her sword)
We're unner attack!
GABRIELLE
Wait! Don't--
XENA
Take th'phillage!
LILA
What's a phillage?
IOLAUS
I dunno. Maybe her accent is
slipping.
CHORUS
Let's run! Let's run! The bloodbath
has begun!
GABRIELLE
Xena, please! Get on Argo -- we
have reservations!
Xena stops slashing the guests.
XENA
We bedder go, then. Hey Eph'ny!
Shtop kissing m'horse!
Ephiny slinks away. Hercules helps Xena climb onto Argo.
GABRIELLE
I think I'd better go in front.
XENA
Non'snce. I'll drive.
GABRIELLE
Brides don't let brides drive drunk.
Chastened, Xena hands Gabrielle the reins.
XENA
Yer sho good't'me, Chimpycheeks.
Lesh go! Hyah!
Argo lurches into a gallop, causing Xena to fly off. She
spins in the air, runs along the guests' heads then leaps
back into the saddle. The newlyweds ride off into the night
as we:
FADE OUT.
